17 and feeling totally down due to my inexperience
It never occurred to me that I'd feel this way, but I am feeling like a complete, absolute, and totally pathetic failure for being a dateless, kissless, virgin who has never touched a girl or even had a platonic female friend.
Now I know, that the reasons for this are in part getting dealt "a bad hand" and in part my fault pre-16. What I mean by "bad hand" is starting from elementary school, my reputation in this town has been poor. I used to have some issues back then and well it caused me to be unable to make many friends or get socially involved throughout my childhood, and it all snowballed into middle school, and then high school. I also used to be really annoying through middle school and early high school (though at this point this was only with my few close friends who were able to endure it, because I was already alienated from the masses), and here's the thing: my social skills have never been my forte (I'll get into current issues later).
The other aspect is that aside from having this huge dramatic crush on a girl in seventh grade that I'd discuss and fight over with the few friends I had back then, and occasional minor crushes here and there early high school, I never really held much regard for my dating life (though I'd occasionally fantasize about it and think about making attempts).
Also, I think another factor was that around this time I basically had no interest in socially conforming or being a part of the social scene. I had defined myself as a “nerd” and was proud of it and gave no shits about socializing, aside from talking to my close friends about whatever hobby I was into. And according to my then perspective, I was having the time of my life (aside from my parents eventually banning me from whatever it was that I was into).
Of course, I didn’t give a rat’s ass about my looks or hygiene either (I mean I showered daily, but aside from that…)
This all changed when I had my real major crush soon after turning 16, early 2014. In short (I could go on and on for pages about this), everything since then dramatically changed. I did a total 180. Suddenly, I was trying to maximize my looks, working out, asking out girls (made no progress though), filled with teenage angst and severe insecurity, researching dating and “picking up” girls and romantic relationships in general ad nauseam (well this I have done a lot in general over the past five years), etc. Then we realized that I was totally jumping the gun and getting ahead of myself and since the later part of last year, we have established that what I really need to do is actually develop myself in terms of social skills and making friends. Then I went on to realize that while my desire for a girlfriend is still quite strong and my sexual frustration is quite prevalent, what I really need to do is establish a mobile social life where I am hanging out with friends, partying, etc every now and then and in general have
healthy social circle(s). It’s this social mobility that I currently seek the most, not only because I want friends or a girlfriend or get laid, but because I also just freaking want to have some fun. I feel like I have totally missed out by practically having ZERO social life - NO experiences - never gone out at night, never been to a party, almost never been out with friends (I’d just go over a friend’s house back in the days occasionally and that was it). I have an old friend from back in the days who has an abundantly high social status and I have recently talking to him more and sitting with his friends at lunch.
The problem now is of course, I am practically starting from ground zero: with almost no connections, no reputation, low in social skills in that I feel very insecure and lack confidence (but I am trying to be more outgoing and open up and talk to people more in general), attend school events, etc (and of course, I continue to put effort into my looks and work out) so of course, I am finding it extremely difficult to do anything. Now I have been given tons of advice on forums, therapy, etc, and I know what it is that I need to do.
It’s just...I am still totally feeling like a loser on the inside and I am getting very worried/anxious here, especially when we talk about romantic and sexual experience, not only because I have had a strong desire for it since the beginning of last year, but all this pressure from people online saying, “How can you go through high school, one of the most hormone-packed environments without kissing a girl? I think it says something about a person to end up like that,” and listening to my peers go on about their amazing sex lives. And apparently, I am never going to know what it feels like to be “young and in love” (I know I am still “young”, but I mean “young young”) and at the basic level, I have simply missed out on the social and romantic quirks that most other people experience during middle and high school. Then there’s pressure from people in the adult dating scene online saying that they’d be hesitant about dating an inexperienced man because it implicitly indicates other issues or because he’ll suck in bed or because he’ll be clingy. I am talking romantic/sexual experience in general, not just virginity-wise.
And the fact is that even during my “nerd” phase which took up a lot of my childhood, I quite strongly and passionately fantasized about my romantic and sexual life (like most others), so at the basic level, these are things that I have really dreamed to experience for a long time. So it makes me feel left out to see most everyone else either currently active in that scene or at the minimum have some experience in that regard.
I know that to most of you adults, I am probably sounding extremely silly right now, considering what the older more experienced crows has always told me. “Don’t worry about it,” or, “You’re still really young,” or “There are many other people out there just like you.” The last one seems most questionable because it certainly doesn’t feel like that when I look at my peers, listen to my friends talk about how much ass they’re getting, and look at teens (younger than me!) on forums asking for advice on giving a blowjob or going reverse cowgirl or doing BDSM.
I have slight hope for prom night after-party coming up in 2.5 months, but prom has its own problems. Obviously, I have zero “viable” date prospects for that since as I said, I still am far from socially established or having any circles or connections. And given that, I don’t think it will even be likely for me to get anywhere sexually on prom night either (I want to clarify: I am not only looking to lose my virginity. I’d love to have a girlfriend and all, but in the meantime I am also open to casual hookups as well).
So anyway, I know what it is that I need to do. I just felt like blowing some steam because this has been getting to me recently and making me feel very anxious and insecure and I’d like to hear what you folks have to say regarding my situation.
hi, you you start with having friends with girls first. get to know them. you wont be able to have anything if you don't go step by step. you want to fly before u can run or walk. learn the tricks of the trade from an experienced person. know what girls want and start from there. everybody learns
Yeah, I.know you're right. As I said, this post was more about me feeling like a loser and regretting not targeting this earlier. Like I am just really angry, ashamed, and dissappointed in myself with respect to this.
Don't beat yourself up: you weren't READY for what you want to do.
Yes - begin as friends. That's how it starts in REAL life. (Only in porn and fantasies do people jump into sexual encounters immediately)
Start by making some new connections. It doesn't even have to be from your own school. Inviting a girl from another school to your prom would be cool and give you a sense of mystery.
Good luck. You are now ready for launch.
Thanks, but how do people forge connections with people outside their high school? Just curious...
By leaving your neighborhood - exploring the local coffee shop, ice cream parlor, beach, workout gym, clothing store, or take classes from another community ed, volunteer at a crisis center or food bank, attend church - all in a neighboring community.
Just go for a drive or a hike, for goodness sake, and buy a pack of gum at the local store NOT near your home. See what other people are doing.
I realize my high school situation is severely dated, but it was very similar. I had a bad reputation in a small town, which had followed me from grade school, through middle, into high school. I did exactly what others are suggesting here, I made friends in the next town over. Here's where it's really dated, I met them using CB (Citizen Band, yeah what truckers use) when it was cool (ok, i guess it never really was). I met girlfriends 1-9 in that neighboring town, and had others pursuing me. I was basically able to start over with new people, not having to defend my previous actions, or deny stories they had heard about me. Now in this day and age, i'm thinking social media may be the best way to meet people in another area. I realize it's hard to start up a friendship with strangers, but certainly not impossible.
Good Luck and enjoy your dating explorations. Those memories will stick with you after you become some old married dude (like me).
hey, don't worry about it. I am a 17 year old girl and I have never had sex either. I haven't had a successful relationship my last one being 2 years ago and I only kissed my total of 3 boyfriends that Ive ever had and did nothing more. I eventually made out with someone and a had a small somewhat sexual experience but that was over a year ago. You are not alone. I consider myself a nerd as well and I just started going out and stuff this past summer but before then, i was really similar to you in the social regard. don't feel like you are alone, three of my close friends have never even had their first kisses or anything either and we are all around the same age. it will come when it comes and yeah, sometimes we all feel like we're missing out on things like that in high school but don't put too much value on it or it will stress you out. you are not the problem. just be yourself, befriend girls, etc. and things will happen naturally.