Trapped with boyfriend

I have been living with my boyfriend for 3 years now (we co-own a home) and I love him very much, he makes me laugh and I enjoy spending time with him. Increasingly though I have begun to wonder if he is good for me or if I am with him because I have no other options. When we bought our place we took out a joint account and since then I have been helping him pay collassal amount of debt that he acquired through travelling, living the high life buying expensive clothes and socialising. I dont know how I started doing this, I guess I felt bad for him and wanted to help. But now we both have no money. I work in a good job yet cant afford to do anything. Once we pay the mortgage and the debt, nothing left. Every Fri & sat he just buys wine or beer and sits in drinking, when I go to bed he just stays up on his own drinking, during the weekend day he plays golf. He never helps with any housework, rarely cooks and although he is appreciative of my work never really lifts a finger. In January I turned 30, he promised to put money towards laser eye surgery as a gift, as well as a meal out, but I never saw that money and he never actually bought me a gift. Now it is his 32nd in 6 weeks and he has booked flights to Amsterdam to see an old friend on his own. I cant help but think this is so selfish and he just keeps putting himself first. I can imagine people will say get out, but we are stuck in negative equity and cant sell our home, I know he would stay if i left, but with his debt he would default on the mortgage and that would be my name in ruins. I just feel so lonely and sad and I cant tell anyone the truth because I am ashamed that I have been such an idiot, i just pretend everything is cool when it is not :(

I can relate to your problem. I am in a similar situation although we have kids involved. No you are not a fool, just looking for love in all the wrong places. You want to be loved and appreciated. I dont think he appreciates you even though you say he does. You need to get away with some friends, have a holiday with some girlfriends. It doesnt have to cost you a lot, stay at their house or meet up somewhere cheap. Have some fun. Believe me your frineds will understand. They probably realise already that you are unhappy and dont quite know how to help. Does he have a job?? If not, he certainly shouldnt be booking trips to Amsterdam without you. It sounds as if he drinking too much, there must be a reason for this, is he happy??

What about kicking his butt out? Can you take on the debt alone? Sounds as if you already are. I know ending relationships can be difficult and usually that's why we end up doing things subconsciously to make it end. Sounds like he may be doing a little of that. Maybe he wants you to react in a way that will allow him to leave. My guess is, it's bound to come to a head sooner or later. Have you tried to communicate any of this to him? I know guys aren't big on communication but that's usually the first step. Just something to think about. Oh. One more thing...life is too valuable to stay in a situation that is not beneficial to you in some way. This may have to be a big lesson learned and you actually cut your losses and move on. You are not a prisoner, although it may seem as such. You just have to examine the options and see which ones are ones that you can live with. Is money more important or is happiness? Only you can decide. I wish you the best in whatever decision you make.

Hi & thank you both for taking the time to reply. Cookie, I took your advice & arranged a beauty weekend in y friends house next weekend. Ive tried to talk to him about it, but he says the right things which ends in me accepting his apology. But nothing really changes. when you ask is his he happy, I guess he must feel the same way I do, I do know he lost his dad very young & feels alot of guilt and says himself he needs to talk to someone, but again he never arranges an app and we cant really afford it...I know you are right Gelan about cutting my losses as nothing looks like it is going to change, but I wish it was as easy as that, I know life is too short too though so it is difficult but thanks again for replying it means alot x

Hi. I am just checking in with you to see if you have made any decisions or taken any action about your situation. I hope you are well and taking steps that are going to get you on a path to happiness. Let me know what's going on and I want you to know that you are certainly not alone in this world.