Messed up, I love my friend

I have never ever told anyone this. I'm stuck in love with my best friend and am so dependant on her. I'm not gay but somehow I fell for my best friend. Years ago in college we started a relationship. We shared a room together for two years and never had the slighted interest in each other. We were very close though and she was and amazing friend to me. She also had a load of shit to deal with and I was there for here. It was cool having someone to be there for me and I became quite dependant on her. I never really had a load of confidence and she helped me be more out going. When I broke up with my first love it hit me really hard but she was great. Anyway we had a drunken moment and eventually with a lot of trying not to we pushed it a bit everytime til we ended up having a proper secret lesbian relationship. It made me sick at first and I couldn't even look at here. likewise for her. anyway against our better judgement we kept it going and fell in love. We carried on this top secret relationship for about 3 years. It was totally against the question that we could tell anyone. There was no way our families or friends could understand. It was great though, we were really in love and she helped me get through college and get a job after. Eventually when she moved away to another college we decided to call it quits. It was make or break and we both decided we couldn't come out. This was about 2 years ago. It was really hard, as we had to remain as friends. We both shared all the same friends and she was close with all my family too. We had to stay friends as she was part of everything about me. Although we didn't do anything we were stil very close and spoke every day. The odd time we would get together but then feel really guilty after and then back track. Neither of us wanted to make a proper go of it but couldn't move on either. After a year or so, I felt she was moving on, she didn't need me as much anymore and was doing really well at college. It seemed to be me always chasing after her. At the same time though I was having a rough time of it at work, I was being bullied by my boss and had lost all self confidence. She was a great help to me and help quit that job, she was wonderful to me when I became depressed and was out of a job for ages. All the time she was moving on and I felt left behind. When I got a job offer in a great job it was great boost, That same week I met a guy and we started going out. I really liked him and it was going well but it ended after 6mths. During this time, my best friend became very very jealous. When things started going right for me, it got though for her. She moved to a new town and started a new job where she knew no one.Other stuff from her past was coming back to haunt her and I really had to be there for her. The worst for her was she couldnt handle me being with someone else. One night she had a mental break down in my house and I was afraid she was going to do something stupid. It was such a scare. It really hurt me that I was causing this. It put a strain on my relationship with Joe, and even once I had to get up in the middle of the night from him and answer a call from my friend. I was so worried about her and of course I could'nt tell him why. She totally blacked my out for about 6weeks which hurt incredibly. When it ended with him I really needed her as a friend. Eventually we started to be friends again but strait away she started seeing someone, he was also called Joe. It really hurt. I wanted to be happy for her and tried to let her be as in some way I resented the way she made me feel so guilty for finding someone new. I didn't want to be a hypocrite but now I was left with nothing and was awful jealous of her. She had a new found confidence and Guys were and still are tripping over themselves to get near her. She had had many short flings since and when we go out with our friends guys are all over her, She loves it but I get liltle or no attention. It kills me. I kept lashing out a her and tried making her feel bad. I suppose I was always on her back. Everything was working out for her and I was lost. None the less in the last couple of months we have been getting on really well. We have started having fun again and enjoy being with eachother.(except when we go out) It's like the good old days when we were best friends (only). Now she tells me that she is with her housemate, I don't know what to do, how to react. She means everything to me, she really does. I wan't her to be happy but I make me feel crap. I have no one..

Hi Jupiter. Wow! Sounds like you really got yourself into a mess there. Back up a minute and take a deep breath. Right now you really need to focus on who you are and what you need. Find your own interests and set some goals for yourself. Start doing things to achieve those goals. Do these things to find direction in your life and put the focus back on yourself. You need you more than you need anyone else. I know when you have a relationship and it takes a turn for the worse, it seems to be the only thing that you can think of. But, you must re-focus. Forget about it for awhile. When you start to find out more about yourself and you start to love and respect your life, you'll naturally attract into it what is right for you. And, even more importantly, you'll know it's right. I think just based on the facts you have already presented, you know that this is not going to work out for either of you. I'm not saying to forget about your friend, just give it a rest and if you can't totally bow out, don't push it anywhere. Again, the key is to focus on your own life and interests and let the rest of it be attracted to you. If something is causing stress or distress for you, than it's a sure sign that things need to change. Find your path and follow it to see what wonderful things are waiting for you. Don't be afraid to let go of something that is causing you pain. It may be painful to let go in the beginning but, that pain will eventually be replaced with joy if you are on the path that is meant for you. I wish you only the best.