Should I leave?

ZOELLA - Jun 10 2010 at 13:55

Member since Jun 2010

hi, Where to start? I've been with my husband 10 yrs and we have 4 children aged 4, 5, 8 and 10. I have depression and an anxiety disorder. When we first got together my self esteem was on the floor (still is) I very quickly became pregnant and we got married. I wasnt even sure i wanted to be with him when i married him, but was scared to stop it, didnt want to hurt my family after they had paid so much money. I've always kept my problems inside, but feel better I've found this website, sorry if this is long! My husband has been addicted to weed since i married him, but he's terrible with it now. He hasnt had a job 4 2 yrs now and has no motivation to do anything. I do all the cooking, cleaning, school runs, everything really. He sleeps every afternoon. If we try and talk about it he absolutely blows up at me telling me that he is stressed out having to deal with my mental illnesses. He has a temper and is always shouting at me and the kids. Sometimes i can tell they are scared when he starts shouting. But he doesnt think hes doing anything wrong or going over the top! hes like this because of how he was brought up i think, there was violence, alcohol and beatings for him and his brothers. We split up once, but he tried to kill himself and we ended up getting back together. Things have gone back to how they were though and i even though he is really trying now (though still smoking weed) i still cant decide if we'd be happier without him. I love him, but not like i should. I don't fancy him and avoid sex whenever i can. He's always telling me how he loves me so much (even more than our kids), but i dont feel it and i cant forget how horrible he has treated me in the past. I often wonder if my low self esteem and anxiety is because of him? I thought i was like that before? because i never called off the wedding and let him treat me appallingly? I think i want to leave, but im so scared i wont cope? i find it really hard to discipline my kids because of my illness i have crippling guilt if i shout at them or lose my temper. My husband disciplines them, but then we argue because i think he goes too far and tell him so. During my marriage ive had to cope with depression, anxiety, money problems, my husbands temper and drug problem, caring for both my grandmas after strokes, my auntie attemting suicide, self harming, alcoholism (mine, though not drinking now, 6 months now), letting 2 men use me for sex because i thought they 'liked' me and then last week my dad very nearly died after a suicide attempt. I'm on the floor, I don't know what to do. I'm on anti-depressant now, should i see my doctor again? Im scared of telling people because i think they will think i'm stupid for letting everything get this bed before asking anyone for help. Its all just too overwhelming, i dont know where 2 start helping myself.