Married her knowing I will never be first

Met my wife in July 2011 after being single for over a year at a cousin's birthday party. Really did not pay any attention to her.g She looked me up on fb a couple weeks later. Going to try and make this short as possible. I am a woman and she never had a relationship with another woman. When she contacted me, the conversation was good. Decided to visit her in a week and found out that she: Still lived at home with her mother at the age of 34. I normally date women who live on their own. Had a son who has shown to do things to destroy any relationship she tried to have in the past 3 yrs prior to meeting. Just was not independent. Worked enough to pay her her bills. Depended on her mother alot and this is how she gets away with murder. Yes, I saw all the signs to run away. But, it was something about her that attracted me. Should have listen to my instincts. Fast forward now... Had a conversation with her mother letting her know that I was not out to hurt her daughter and I would do what I can to be good to her and her son. Her mother seemed to be ok with it. Must say that at the same time, her mother was dating a woman who at that time lived accross the street from them that my wife did not know about. I picked up on it the minute I met her mother and her...girlfriend. Within a couple of weeks, her mother realized that our relationship was growing to be something real. At this time, her mother started showing extreme jealousy and resentment towards me. I would treat my wife like I would any girlfriend, dinners, trips, gifts, helping her with money. When her mom noticed that she was not "needing her" like she did in the past just made it worst. I would spend nights there because it was easier since her son was in school. While there, her mother would do things like: Instead of knocking on my wife's bedroom door, she would just walk in. Didn't matter if it was a chance I did not have any clothes on, if we were sleep..Nothing... She started to put my wife down in front of me. She would talk about subjects pertaining to the house in front of me, etc. If we had plans, she would say at the last minute she would not babysit her grandson which would have to make us cancel or find another sitter. Her jealousy was directly from the fact that the woman she was with... was and still is a bum. Never really had a real job. The job she had, my wife got for her. And since I started staying there, her mother's girlfriend started to stay. Then, she just moved in and then lost the house that was left to her by her parents. Now, her son..... He has been in therapy more than half his life and he is 14 now. Before I came into the picture, he has set 2 fires in the house. Treated my wife any way he felt. Long story short, He would play my wife and her mother against each other to get what he wanted. Anybody she dated, he would be nasty towards them to the point they would leave her alone. So, he did not care for me at all from the gate. I tried several times to try and establish a relationship with him to have him just be very nasty to me. He would not listen to me. He would talk to me any kind of way. I would bring it up to my wife, and she would just say she do not know what to do. I would bring up to my wife about her mother and she would say she cannot make her like me. On the other hand... she is getting nothing but love from my family as her family treats me like dirt. We have broken up several times and I always take her back when she says she is going to work on things and leave her mother's house and work on her son. Almost 4 years later, it is still the same... She never was able to finance a car in her name. Her father did it for her before he died. Then her mother (another way to have control). The car she had when we met was a lease and she asked me to finance a car for her. BAD MISTAKE!!!!!! I know that I should not have especially when I had to sell some of my stocks to get the car she had out of repo just a couple months before.... But, she was my woman and I did not want to see her without. At the time, I owned outright a car and a truck. I had an accident at work and fell off a ladder which going through their Bs, I found out that I had a torn tendon in my ankle. I am actually still out since Dec 2012. Had to have 3 surgeries on my ankle. So, I am out and she decides she do not want to pay the loan ontime. Happened twice. I took the car back and struggled to pay the extra money for the car on Workman's Comp... She did help me through my recovery time... But, I stopped staying there because of what I was treated by her family and moved back to my place for good. It was so bad that her mother told me that she did not want me in her house (and my wife is on the deed of the house) because one day I finally stood up to her.... I never allowed anyone, not even my mother talk to me anykind of way. But, if I would said what I really wanted to say, her mother would put her and her son out and at the time I could not move into a bigger place due to being out on WC... Fast forward.... My wife found out in mid 2014 that she had to have her gallbladder removed. She was very concern that if it turned bad, her mother would not allow me nowhere near her while she was in the hospital...... Hence.... She thought it would be a good idea to get married so I can have say so about her health affairs.... And I did it like a fool.... We were not living under the same roof... I was still out on WC..... Her son has been raised to think he can talk to adults any way he feels... Now, a year later, I am still on WC, I did try and have a bank account to save money with her to get a place but that went bad.... The car that I got in my name was repoed in May...No one knows we are married... So, she went on vacation with her mother and son last month and her mother was talking so much crap about how she hopes we do not get back together and she finally told her mother that we were married and the main reasons why we were not together was because of her and her son believing that they should always come first. That she does not have the right to be happy... We recently got back together and talked about sitting both her mother and son down and talking to them. Every date that was set had been delayed...It was suppose to happen when they came back from vacation. then she told me since she told her mother we were married, NOW she needs time to think about it and it would not be good to force her to talk about it...She would give her a week to process... Her mother's health is bad. Kidney failure. Always in and out the hospital... Then I was told when she feels better...The conversation with her son never bought back up....It started to piss me off because it was out sight.... out of mind... I told her that I wanted the conversation to happen by last weekend. It came and gone without it happen.... I told her that she is more concern about their feelings than mine...Like always... I told her that it will never be a good time to have because it is a conversation that they do not want to have...EVER!!!!! I filed for divorce in May and she was served with the papers....I keep telling her to just let me go if she cannot be what I need her to be.. She keeps telling me she will do what she needs to do...As I am typing this...I have not heard from her... I told her I feel like I will always live in their shadow. I had a nervous breakdown last August and had to stay in a mental hospital for 4 days.. From the depression of being out of work and my horrible relationship. I am not like a needy person. Very independent. Just in love with a woman that just do not get that she has been conditioned by her family to put them first.. No matter what.... I asked her Sunday again to just let me go and sign the papers so I can go on with my life.. She again told me no.... I do not want to move forward and get a house and cannot even be happy in my ouwn home and still have to deal with her bitter mother and son. My resentment has grown so much in the past month due to her puttiong off the conversations and making excuses for them... Towards her family and even towards her.... Thanks for your time...

I can understand feeling like you are not first especially when you put her first. I feel the same way about my husband and his family. Based on my personal experience and opinion, I can tell you this...as along as you and her are clear about the reality of things and have an understanding then that is a good sign. For instance, my husband will admit that his parents were unfair towards me and his sister is jealous and that I am not in the wrong. Secondly, she and you must acknowledge that her mother and son are trying to break you guys up and if there is any hope or chance of you making it through, then you must try and not merely give them what they are trying to accomplish. In my case, I always thought I needed my husband to stand up for me and defend me because I felt like I was incapable of doing it for myself. I wasnt rasied with much confidence or self esteem. I had build it on my own and now, at 27 and after 2 years of heck, I realize what didnt kill me made me stronger and I am started to defend myself without changing who I am. Now, this is something I can live with so I no longer require it as much as I thought from my husband. If you are capable of standing up to her mother and son then I advise you do it. She may be too weak and needs someone to show her how to stand up for her life. She can talk all she wants but she needs to take action and show them she is serious. Show her how. Teach her by example. If someone says something disrespectful to you, do not go quiet, speak up or else they will keep taking advantage. The first time may be difficult if you are not used to it, the 2nd time is easier and before you know it, you are beating them to the punch line and they start thinking twice before they say or do anything. Lastly, I know everyone has their limits. You and only you know your limit. You know your heart and what you deserve and what you need. If this person is incapable of giving you what your soul desires to keep living, then you know your answer. There are some things a person can sacrifice and live with but there are, also, core and essential things that you cannot do without. I feel like my husband is limited in how and who he is. He was never taught to stand up for himself with his family and so how can he do it now? Same goes for your wife. I suffered the same resentment you write about but I had to let go and let him in to see if there was a chance and I am glad I did. I hope I helped and I hope things get better.

Thanks for your insight. The thing is...I am not a person that allows people to say/do what they think they can to me... That being said, I never did take up for myself towards her mother because she would have used it as an excuse to throw her and her son out... Being that I am on WC, I cannot afford a bigger spot. Her and I are not on the same page. The last time I saw her was Sunday night. She decided to leave while i was in my basement. Didn't hear from her yesterday and I actually called and told her today that she looks at me as I am just someone she is dating. You can go a day without any contact. But, we are married and it should be no day that we do not hear eachother's voice. Her excuse is that she has a migraine. These always come up after I tell her how I feel. I told her that I wanted to come down there and talk to her. Had the nerve to ask about what...Like she does not know. I told her she has allowed her self to be trained to always put them first. Aslong as this is how it is, there is no room for me. I told her if she loves me like she do than she should just let me go before my resentment grow more towards her and my love turn into hate. I asked her again to sign the divorce papers and let me get myself together for me. I have been very depressed over the entire time I have been with her. Then getting hurt did not help none. My health is back on track and am in a program for Vets that will lead to a job in my field in September. The only thing that is bothering me is....her and how she handled the entire situation. When I said what I did she hung up and now will not answer the phone... I am at the end and cannot do/give anymore to something that is draining me. Hoping she will just sign it. If not, I have to wait 2 years before it will take effect without her signing the papers. I try not to down myself about this... I will never allow someone who is not at the standards of what I want to walk my path again.....