Am I just a rebound? Even after all this time?

DANIEL4 - Jul 30 2015 at 08:58

Member since Mar 2014

(Skip the first 2 paragraphs if You want to get to the root of the "problem") It's been a pretty long time since i've even thought about this site, but i'm hoping i can get some really good--preferably objective--advice. In order for You to be able to see things from my perspective a little more clearly, i'll give You a brief summary of my relationship experiences. When i was 8 years old, i started going out with my first girlfriend. We met at church, and that was where we spent most of our time together. We were together for almost 4 years, but my mom decided to move to a different church suddenly. i was devastated, but my mom didn't pay me much attention. i went on without seeing or talking to her (my ex) for 2 months before i found a way to see her. i waited until my mom left for church one day and i took off on my new bike as quickly as i could. i probably rode 5 miles across busy streets and up big hills on one of the hottest days of the summer to see her only to find that she had already moved on. She was with another guy already, and she seemed happy, so i didn't bother her. i took it as a means to an end of a great 4 years. It hurt, but i got over it. i don't hold it against her, and to be honest i don't think about it very often. The point is, that was a serious relationship. Yes, i was young, and maybe i didn't know what Love was, but i probably could've fooled anyone back then into thinking i did simply because i was so crazy about her. The thing is, i know it wasn't anything to do with what she had to offer physically that drew me to her because in all that time she only kissed me once (on the cheek). She said that she wanted to save our first kiss for our wedding day. What's more is that i didn't even technically ask her out. We just became a couple because we knew we both liked each other. It may seem like i'm rambling so far, but i promise there's a point to it. Fast forward 5 years.... i'm a senior in high school; i've been single for longer than i was in a relationship now, and i'm completely fine with that. In fact, i'm starting to think i might never be in another relationship and it has nothing to do with being hurt. Rather, i feel like i'm better off alone. However, about 2 months before i graduate, God throws me a curve ball by sending Ashley into my life. She wasn't my type at all, but we got to know each other really quickly, and somehow my "type" seemed to change completely to fit her. i asked her to be my girlfriend on April 13th, and she said yes. We ended up going to prom together and graduating together. She's the first girl i've ever asked out, she's my first kiss, and she's probably the only girl that could get me to dance with her because i'm terrible at it. We've been through a lot together, but i'm really struggling to figure some things out lately. It's hard for me to really think about these things or pray to God about them because my feelings trump logic and reason every time. Maybe what i need is an answer, typed out in plain black and white, in order for me to see. Maybe there is no definite answer. Regardless, i've given You my background now and i thank You for being so kind as to read it. Now i'll present my issue to You. All i ask is that--if You pray--to please pray for me, and if You have any advice to offer, please do. Thank You in advance :) STAR HERE FOR THE "PROBLEM." Hopefully i've established the fact that i take Love seriously and that when i say i Love my girlfriend, i mean it. i don't want there to be any question of whether or not i Love her, because my Love for her is what makes me so indecisive concerning this. i didn't realize this until after i asked Ashley out, but she had just ended a year-long relationship only a couple of weeks prior to me asking her. That means she was "courting" me in the dying weeks of her last relationship BEFORE it ended. By the time she said yes to me she had already ended things with him, but finding that out was a hit to my self esteem. i immediately worried that after all that time of being alone i had settled for being a rebound. i figured that i'd prepare myself for the relationship to end soon because i really couldn't see it lasting. Her best friend even told me that i should back off because Ashley didn't need me. i constantly worried that she was right for the first few months, but i hid all that from Ashley. i wanted--if nothing more--to make her happy for the short time we would have together and to remind her that she was worthy of real Love. i knew she didn't take relationships too seriously. She's had 8 boyfriends that i know of and none of them lasted more than 3 months except for the one right before me. Naturally, i became interested in finding more out about him. It didn't take long for me to bite off more than i could chew though. i went over to Ashley's sister's house to hang out with them. Ashley ended up getting drunk. i'm not a drinker, and i don't really like the fact that she got drunk, but that was her choice. Soon enough i figured out why she did it though. Later that night, after her sister finally decided to take the bottle away from her, she was absolutely wasted. She broke down crying. Everyone else had gone to sleep, and i was hanging out with my drunk girlfriend. This was also a first. i had no intentions of taking advantage of her, but she seemed to be struggling with herself. Part of her seemed to want me, but part of her seemed to be hiding something from me. i tried my best to soothe her as she seemed to be getting nauscious. However, she wasn't physically sick. Rather, she felt emotionally sick with herself. She told me in tears that she had given her ex boyfriend a b***job. She immediately turned away from me and covered her face as if she was preparing for something terrible to happen. i sat there shocked for a solid 5 minutes, unable to think. i had a reputation for being very religious. All through school i brought my Bible to classes with me and always kept it on my desk (reading it whenever possible). i was even voted "most spiritual" by my classmates. So she must have expected me to be disgusted with her and to walk out on her. She knew that i wanted to remain abstinent until marriage, and she felt she had let me down by doing that. i reassured her that her past was her past and that she couldn't change it if she tried. She wasn't understanding much of what i said, and she passed out before long. For a while after that things were awkward between us because neither of us could tell if the other remembered what had been said. Eventually though, we talked it over and moved past it. (Between these 2 paragraphs Ashley starts beauty school and i start attending a Bible college 5 hours away from home, meaning we're now involved in a long-distance relationship) However, i soon became curious again. i wanted to know more about him. What was so special about him? She said he was a jerk and that he made her miserable. Her sister said he was a wimp and that Ashley bossed him around. i just wanted an honest answer. So i looked him up on facebook. i couldn't see most things on his profile because i'm not friends with him on there, and it would've been awkward sending him a friend request just to stalk him. However, i was able to gather that he and i actually had a LOT in common. Austin, like myself played soccer; he also posted a lot of statuses in which he quoted scripture. He even looked sort of like me. He seemed to be a pretty good guy, despite what i'd heard about him (i don't say that simply because he's a Christian). i was just getting over the situation at Ashley's sister's house and now i was right back to feeling like a rebound. i finally brought myself to ask Ashley if she would remove the pictures of them together from her facebook, but she refused. She said that they were special to her because they were from her first prom and she felt like she looked pretty in them. i wasn't going to push the issue...yet. i waited for months before asking again. This time i made sure that i had a legitimate case. 1.) We had been together for longer than she and Austin were together now. 2.) On top of that, i removed my ex girlfriend from my friends list on facebook after Ashley made comments about that. 3.) i even deleted a picture of myself and a former friend of mine because she didn't like the girl. There was never anything romantic between the girl and i, but the picture was important to me because in it i was standing in the Billy Graham library in Charlotte, NC (a place i spent part of my childhood growing up and hadn't been back since). Still, i deleted the picture without saying a word to Ashley. She didn't realize i deleted it until i asked her to remove the pictures of her and her ex from facebook. i didn't ask her to completely wipe them from existence. i just wanted to be able to look at her pictures when i missed her without having to look at those pictures. She cried and reluctantly removed them. i actually came out of that feeling like i'd done something wrong. We moved on from that, and we've not had any drama concerning her past with Austin since. i feel like something is brewing now though. i logged into Ashley's facebook today, admittedly i was snooping through her search history (she knows i have her password). i saw that she's visited his page three times this month. 1 time on the first of the month and 2 times last week. She hasn't visited mine at all, which is unlike her. i may be making a mountain out of a molehill, but i feel like this could be serious. i've ignored a lot of things i probably shouldn't have, but i don't know how to handle this. Do i just ignore this too? More importantly, am i just a rebound? Even after all we've been through?