I'm afraid I'm falling back down the rabbit hole

I'm a 20 year old college student with a great job that pays very well. My family is absolutely amazing. I have some fantastic friends that I know will always be there for me, but over the course of the past two months I find myself falling down and not being able to pick myself up. I have been battling with depression for eight years and self harming for about six years. Recently I had what one would call a relapse back into it. I'm afraid to tell any of my friends and family because I know they'll worry way too much, I don't blame them, but I'd rather them not have to think of me suffering. I don't know what to do anymore and I feel as if I need someone to talk to about it. But I am horrible with guys talking to me because they always want a relationship and I do not and my friends don't really know about how I have been feeling. And my bestfriend since kindergarten has so much going on in her life right now that I don't want to bother her.. I need some advice. Anyone else feel this way?

Why batteling and why self harming? I see ur happy with ur life.. What is the cause of that?

I am happy with the people in my life. They are amazing. I, on the other hand, am not happy with myself. I feel like I need to be doing better, there are so many things that I think of myself that I get told aren't true, that I am just putting too much stress on myself. But I just am not happy with myself. And there are so many people that are going through tough times and I carry that sadness around as well.. It makes me sick that there are people who talk down on other and make them so sad that they end up doing things like self harming. I wake up everyday, thinking what's the point? I don't feel anything but numbness. I know that I should be happy because I have a good life. But telling me that I can't be sad because others have it worse is like saying that I can't be happy because someone else is happier.

That's the reason I'm on this site because I had a bad experience about a month ago, and realized, when trying to solve problems, I don't have anybody to talk to. I've since written down some names and told myself, call these people when you have a problem. Two heads are better than one. But you wrote, "but over the course of the past two months I find myself falling down and not being able to pick myself up. I have been battling with depression for eight years and self harming for about six years. Recently I had what one would call a relapse back into it." My first reaction is, have you considered talking to a counselor? You're only 20. You then wrote, "I feel as if I need someone to talk to about it." I think you're right to reach out for help. You must have had a rough childhood, but you say you have great parents. I think you could be positive that you can solve this problem, by being positive going into a problem that you can solve it. You say you want to talk to someone who feels this way, depressed. I take an anti-depressant as a manic-depressive. Have you con. going to a psy. and getting an anti-depressant?

Sounds like some kind of medicine might work for you. I don't believe in it because most of the time it given to people who have a large problem in their life to be depressed about but it doesn't seem like you have one. It seems like your chemicals are making reasons to be depressed. I'm very depressed right now too But i'm pregnant so i know it's partially the chemicals. Or hormones which ever you want to say. I'm also the worst cutter i know. I'm covered in thousands of burns and slashes almost souly on my arms and legs. If your able to maybe a Psychologist or psychiatrist Would help. Good luck

Well it all started at age 12 when I finally came to terms with the fact that two of my siblings, which I have never met, passed away and for some reason I blamed myself for it. Not having that older sister around I feel like I needed her and it would have helped having her around. But things happen, they're in better places now but it still kills me thinking about it. It started out about that and it has manifested into something worse. I have been four days clean of not doing anything but I have over a hundred cuts on my thighs and wrist. I have been told it might be a chemical imbalance and I have had anti-depressants before but as much as it made me feel like everything is okay I know that I act completely different. I don't know, I just want this to all go away. I don't know how many more days I can go waking up feeling this way without wanting an outlet.

I sometimes see bad situations, and wonder how I could have stopped it. I look at true crime mysteries on TV, and wonder how it could have been prevented. I blame myself, in a way, for the shuttle explosion (Columbia or Challenger) in the 1980's and blame myself in a way, for not calling NASA in Florida and telling them it's too cold to fire the rocket in freezing temperature with ice cycles hanging off the tail fins, in about 15 degree weather in Florida. With the hot gas and the frozen metal together, what's going to happen? Why not wait until it warms up? I didn't nec. blame myself, but I did feel bad that I hadn't done something. But it set me on alert for the next time, when I did make a phone call about something I felt was dangerous. But you hold yourself to blame for a death before you were even born. That's pretty sensitive. Can you channel your injuries into helping others. Instead of spending time thinking of something 20 years ago, can you use that same energy and time helping children in hospitals who also have problems? I read a column on being positive some years ago. It said to mentally be positive going into a problem that you can solve it. That that increases your chances. I didn't know it, but I used to be negative, had a negative unconscious, and couldn't figure out what was tripping me up. Half of me wanted to solve the problem, and half did not. +5 -5= 0. I was going around in circles in my mind, for I had been taught negative things, and neg. doesn't solve problems. So in a way, the problems weren't the problem, I was the problem. So after I read the column, I told myself, next time you have a problem, don't worry about the problem, worry about your attitude going into the problem. I said, next time you have a problem, get the col. down and read it. What did the col. have to do with the problem? Nothing, and everything. When the next problem came up, I didn't make any attempt to solve it. I got the col. down off the bullitan board and started to read it. By the 4th paragraph I had solved the problem. How did that work? The col. had cleared my neg. unconscious away, and allowed me to think about the problem without any neg. thoughts that I couldn't solve it. And with a positive conscious (I want to solve this problem) and unconscious (yeah, but you were taught since you were a kid that you couldn't solve problems; yeah but I've since read this col. on being positive that I need to clear my unconscious of any unseen neg. thoughts to help improve my chances of solving problems), I was now positive/positive to come up with a possible solution to the problem. And I did. I solved the first problem that occurred after I first read the column on being positive. When I first heard that first problem, I thought, "I'll have to wait until my wife comes home, and ask her how to solve this problem." When I rem. the col., I said, "Get the col. down off the bullitan board, read it, clean your unconscious of negative, and see what happens." By the 4th paragraph, I thought of the solution to the problem, and I didn't need to ask my wife. I had solved it on my own. Talk about being sensitive. About 20 years ago, I was thinking again about some pictures I had taken but had not gotten the photos to the subjects. I thought, I see those pictures every year or so, and it reminds me that I failed to get the pictures to the subjects, a regret I would have about once a year for the past 15 years since taking the pictures. About an hour later, I'm taking a warm bath, I'm thinking different things, I'm thinking about the pictures I didn't get to the subjects, I'm thinking good thoughts because of the warm tub water, I'm thinking better thoughts because of the warm tub water, because more oxygen is flowing to my brain because of the warm tub water. I thnk, "pictures, fail to get them to the subjects, I failed, failed, humm, what would the column on being positive say about failure and problems? It would say, "When facing a problem, have a positive attitude that you can solve it. I thought, I wonder if I applied that theory on being positive to the picture situation. Wonder how that column could affect that situation? I thought, "There's nothing I can do about getting those pictures to the subjects from 15 years ago. However, to be positive, do I have any other pictures of people who I haven't gotten the photos to?" I then thought of about six subjects whose pictures I had, but they didn't have them. I then thought, why not try to get those people their pictures, since they'll be easier to find, and those pictures are very good photos, not just snapshots of the other subjects? And I did. I got their good photos to them. It took 6 years, but I found all of them. And they were college cheerleaders and majorettes. And they were very appreciative, and made me feel like a king. How did it start? It started with a 15 year defeat and a neg. attitude, with a guy who had had a neg. attitude all of his life. How did it end? With them making me feel like a king, because I made them feel like queens. What was the difference before I got into the tub that night? The warm tub water improved by disposition, improved my thinking, and with the good frame of mind going, I thought of the col. on being positive, and applied it to the problem of the photos that I was thinking of. What did I do. Instead of thinking about the past, how awful I was, how awfully I had handled the picture situation, I thought, why not turn a neg. into a positive like the column said, as in learning from my mistakes. I never did solve that problem with the pictures I didn't get to those first subjects. I just turned that time thinking and feeling bad about that into a new picture project that I had a better chance to solve. Same about of time and effort, just put that same energy into working on an issue that could be solved, rather than dwelling wasting time on one that couldn't. Using my failure to help others, to help others. I do stuff like that everyday, now that I've read this column. And what do I do with my mistakes and weaknesses? I can use them to help try to pick people up. I can tell them, well, let me tell you about having a negative attitude for several decades. Let me tell you of some of the problems it caused me. So, there's even a positive in that. Have you had any counseling?

RIGS.21 Here's the column on being positive before trying to solve a problem that has helped me. by Niki Scott June 21, 1994 “We all know people who race around in small, futile circles whenever they’re present with a problem to solve, and others who seem to be natural-born problem solvers—able to tackle obstacles, calmly, logically and effectively. “Fortunately, being a good problem-solver is not a genetic trait. It’s a learned skill, one that can be learned at any age. If you want to improve your problem-solving skills, here are 10 steps that will help: "The three most important things of a good problem solver are attitude, attitude, and attitude. If you think of obstacles as anxiety-producers and unfair burdens, you almost certainly aren't an effective problem solver." “If you view obstacles as opportunities to gather new information, stretch your imagination, learn new coping mechanisms and achieve more control over your life on the other hand, you’re probably a problem-solving whiz.” “Be an optimist. If your general outlook is pessimistic, you’re probably not a good problem solver. Facing every puzzle with the assumption that it’s probably unsolvable practically insures that it will be.” “Happily, changing from a pessimist to an optimistic frame of mind isn’t as difficult was it might sound. Pessimism isn’t a genetic trait, either. It’s a habit of thought we learned as children—and can unlearn as adults.” “Keep an open mind. Most problems have not just one solution, but many—and sometimes the best ones sound far-fetched or even bizarre at first.” “Be flexible. Force yourself to give up old, outmoded ways of thinking or acting even though they’re comfortable. Experiment with new ways of thinking and acting, and you’ll be surprised by how quickly THEY become comfortable.” “Believe in yourself—no matter what. If you believe you’ll be able to solve a problem, your chances of solving it double. Review your past successes—frequently!” “Take one step at a time. We all want guarantees that our imagination, diligence and hard work will pay off, but good problem-solvers are able to concentrate on the job at hand and move toward their personal and professional goals without blueprints or guarantees of success.” “Ask for the help you need. There’s no shame in needing help—only in being too self-conscious, too self-protective, too proud or stubborn to ask for it. “Don’t ask for help you don’t need. Those of us who were taught as children to run to an adult whenever a problem arose, or encouraged in other ways to be helpless and dependent, may find ourselves automatically seeking help now when a problem arises—whether or not we really need it. “Resist the temptation. Asking for assistance before we’ve honestly tried to solve a problem robs us of our dignity, self-respect and self-confidence—too high a price to pay. “ “Respect the process—not just it’s outcome. Never discount a learning experience just because you didn’t get an A+ on the test.” “Regardless of whether you’ve been completely successful at solving any problem, working on it almost certainly has gained you valuable experience and insight—good tools to bring with you the next time you have problem to solve!” “Finally, never hold the past over you own head. Learn what you can from your mistakes, give yourself credit for trying, then wipe the slate clean, quickly, and give yourself the same sympathy, understanding and encouragement that you’d gladly give to any friend.” Niki Scott June 21, 1994

I am very depressed too but it helps to retell your life story in a way that is positive and helpful. I hate drugs too. Right now I am going on a trip to reset. It helps too.