Why can't I 'learn' to love my mother?!

ok i want to do this as briefly as poss! Brought up in-care from age of 6. Tried to live with mother in teens but didnt like her possessive husband. Went on to have my own happy family but whenever I needed help my mother would only assist if jealous hubby allowed her to do so (which wasnt often). Years later her hubby now passed away & she is in her 70s and frightened of being alone. Main issue is i just find I despise her. I've tried to be a loving daughter but theres too much hurt in me that i really dont want her in my life anymore. Shes been an ok granny to family but i think she is a selfish survivor & not a victim. theres much more to the story that's not necessary to go into but i'm at the end of my tether with this pretend relationship. Your all going to say 'tell her how you feel' but i know this will hurt her as in her own mind she 'pretends' we have a 'normal' mother-daughter relationship. Plus i also know it will hurt my own children who know little about my unhapy childhood. I'm not that sort of person who wants to hurt anyone intentionally but i'm so screwed up inside that i'm now writing this annon. announcement on this website - not me at all! Why am I doing this? I have no idea lol!

Dear Catvic What a dilemma. You have suffered so much but you are still in contact with your mother and you have allowed her to stay in your life so far. Perhaps you should ask yourself why? Is it from a sense of duty or in the hope that maybe somehow your feelings might change. Sometimes writing things down can help. Writing you mother's life story as if she was not your mother might help you to step back and see things differently. In some ways we are all victims of circumstance and we learn mostly too late. I wonder if your mother regrets or is aware of the way she treated you and how much you are hurting. Maybe she can't face it. You don't mention if you have any siblings. Have you considered getting counselling? Despite your unhappy childhood you sound to have turned out to be a level headed and compassionate person capable of being a loving mother to your own children- perhaps you could change your attitude to your mother by mentally reversing your roles i.e you become her mother and see her as the child. If nothing can work for you, you must do what is right for you and what you can to heal yourself. The only thing any of us have real power over is our attitude and how we view things. hoping something in this ramble is helpful. Good luck I hope that you find resolution and peace.

What a relief to have such a beautiful & understanding reply. I almost enjoyed a little bit of sympathy & i promise i'm not seeking sympathy - only a solution. As it happens i do like to write (& read a lot) & have tried writing my own life story to try to understand my mum, my (older) sister & other people in my life & why they made the decisions they made. I always get upset inside when i tackle it. Believe it or not ive also tried your other suggestion as i am now 50 & she is 71 so we almost have the role reversal. Trouble is I would very selfishly like a mother in my life - not another dependent. I believe she does regret how she treated her children but in a 'feeling sorry for herself' kinda way. My sister is also an emotional mess but she moved hundreds of miles away & i foolishly stayed in the same area. I plan to move when my last child finishes a levels if possible. My mum thinks she is coming with us but part of my moving is to shake her off. Do i love her - i just dont know. i worry about her when she's ill. Stupid thing is, I'm also jealous of her little dog that she spoils wrotten. Wont leave it alone but was happy to leave 2 tiny children alone - that sort of thing. I have been for counselling but talking to someone just doesn't seem to clear those skeletons away. My husband is great but even he has his limitations of how much he can put up with when i get moody over all this. Many thanks for the reply. i was dreading feedback but yours gave me quite a lift. Cheers.

Dear Catvic I'm so glad you found what I said lifted you a little. I find some of the Buddhist ideals to be helpful in life. One of these is to 'Live without expectation' this might sound like a hopeless prinicipal but if interpreted in the right way it could mean that we accept what IS and don't impose our expectations on others or our situation. This way we avoid disappointment and good things are a bonus. Because your mother behaved in a way that is alien to you and she is she and you are you-it is impossible for you to understand how she thinks and feels. A way to peace can be to accept and get into the present. Of course you are scarred and perhaps only YOU can be the mother you want to your 'inner child' although it sounds like your husband is doing a good job too.. I'm going to give you another couple of quotes that might help (excuse me if I'm telling you things you already know) one is 'The past is history, the future a mystery and the present is a gift.' i.e The past lives only in our imagination this present moment is the only reality and the only place that warrants our focus and attention. The second is 'We are what we think, with our thoughts we make our world'. this I believe is about how we see things and our attitude to them. It seems you have planned a practical solution in the long term-is it what you need? Another ramble hope it helps. All good wishes, peace and joy to you.

Thank you - i will embrace what you have said and in an ideal world these principles would be heaven. Unfortunately we dont always have rigid control of our thoughts. I suppose we are all quite selfish in our battle for survival in this pretty difficult world. Thank you so much for sharing these ideals with me, I will be mulling them over in my mind in my quest for a solution to my personal dilemma.

Hello, this all sounds so painful and such deep and complex emotions involved from a really early age. Abandonment, guilt, anger, rejection, loss and grief. I think it must be so extremely difficult to process your pain and dislike of your mum and sort out your thinking alone. I understand how personal issues cannot be constantly taken to husbands or partners as they can only do so much but perhaps seeking out an experienced therapist may give you a new language, a way of thinking that could help to free you up? It takes time but with the right person helping, you may just find a way out of your sorows, a new perspective, a feeling of being more integrated and less 'pretend' Good luck I know how tough it is out there.