Demoralized

I have a partner of nearly five years, he is a super guy in many ways except that he has no drive or ambition, no real lust for life. He smokes a lot of weed and has been on the dole for the whole of our relationship. I try to accept him for who he is but as time goes on I am becoming more and more demoralized. I am usually a very motivated person, I have had some interesting jobs and I have studied however I am currently in a rut as I am struggling with my own crisis of confidence, I have my own difficulties that are nothing to do with him so I do not feel I can blame him for all of this as my own issues with confidence are rather complex. I generally feel rather isolated and I struggle with living alone, I have just finihsed my work contract so have lots of spare time. I am coping with my own anxiety issues and not connecting with old friends as much as I could. I feel so uninspired and bored. I cant be sure what is me and my feelings of low self esteem and what is his influence, I never thought I would get as stuck in a rut as I am now. I am finding it difficult to believe in myself which is a shame as I am a very creative person and had planned to work as a creative arts practioner. I am currently strugling to get any kind of work focus or inspiration to make it happen.He is not very good at knowing what to say when I am stressed or anxious which can leave me feeling rather isolated and he never suggests we go any where or do anything, he is a very shy guy who also lacks confidence, but although he is very bright he has never studied he could work towards improving his lif but he has no desire to do so. He lives in a really messy house and works hard to avoid a 'proper job' prefering instead to do sign on and do odd jobs for people. The dole dont know what to do with him any more so they sent him to work in a charity shop. Recently his parents bought him a car for 2,000, he is 36, I am 43, I own my house and am very independant. He does not seenm to want to make his parents proud of him, I find it hard to sget my head around the fact they bought him a car to drive around in to work in a charity shop. I find it a joke. I used to have alot of dreams as I don't have children and there is a big old world I want to see. I am loosing confidence, drinking too much and not getting any thing done. I dumped him again last week after a drunken binge, I deeply regret turning into a mad woman in the street but in the past when I have tried to end it he comes back and we start all over again. He has many beautiful qualities, i do not wish to yank him about but it would be easy to get back together becasue I am lonely and lack confidence, we are very good friends and very close, I think we do love each other somewhere but I find it hard to go deeper with this and I dont know what is stopping it. I dont think we are right for each other and I do not wnat to be a destructive force in his life. I have started to flirt more when I am out and under the influence of alcohol, this has made him insecure but what I really want is more interest from him , more fuss, more attention, some energy, some drive, some passion. This relationsship is not helping me to get outta my personal rutt, I am sure it is not all my fault. My frustration causes me to react a lot to these problems but perhaps I have not talked with him enough. I have tried in the past but It did not sem to have any impact. Please advise. Thankyou for listening.

Dear Sarahlee You have clearly and intelligently defined your problems and how they affect you. You know the answers. Only you can do what you need to make the change. Think it through- Make a step by step plan of what you need to do perhaps using a diary and each day do something towards your goal. Even if it is a tiny thing and tick each thing off as you go. You cannot expect your partner to change that is up to him, he seems quite happy as he is. If you don't want to live his life you have to make a hard decision. Things are as they are and will remain so until you make an effort to make the moves needed to make the life you want. BE STRONG! BE INDEPENDANT Rosie.

Whoops sorry-I meant INDEPENDENT!

Thankyour Rosie for your common sense advice. I realized as I was writing my problem down that I was answering my own questions. Your comment about becoming more independent is good as this is what I think has been bothering me the most, that I seem to have lost some of my independance, this has made me feel so negative about myself so thanks for helping me to see this more clearly. (ps I cant spell either!)

Oh Rosie, ive just read your post and foe a short while i wondered if you was talking about my ex husband. he was exactly the same, always an excuse to not work, smokes to much weed and no get up and go. when it was just us together e'd have a smoke and we'd be fantasic, made love had laughs etc.... but life isnt all about that. eventuslly it go to much and i broke free, its been 2 yrs now and i still miss him but my life is so much better. i have put my story up on this site if you wanna read what might happen if you had kids with this man. i wish you well, be strong, I,m trying xx