Painful break up

well im not sure where to start, so i start from the beginning. i was married for 15 years to a man whom i loved very much, he was always very insecure about himself and found it hard to hold jobs down. we had two lovely kids and moved to another region of england. the first ten years were hard (monry worries, kids etc) but no matter what i managed to pull a rabbit outta a hat every time. around five years ago he started acting strange and secretive i tried to understand and talk to him about trhis but got nowhere. we had a five yr old and a baby at the time and i was studying for a degree. he became very moody and argues alot. one day whilst i was using our family computer i came across a website that he'd been using, it turned out to be a live sex site where by men and women would have internet sex in their own home. i opened his account up and saw previous conversations he'd had with other women. i was horrified and confrunted him, he cried when i told him and said he'd never do this again. i believed him as i loved him, unfortunatly during this time he became very voilatile and would rage on about the slightest thing. again some months later i found that he was going on sex lines and this time i offered to join him if he wanted that. i loved him that much i would of done anything to keep him happy. i hated it but he got really turned on by this. he also became very moody and unable to hold down a job. at that point he went to the doctors who diagnosed 'depression'. he was given antidepressives, counselling and monitored regular. we were really struggling for money and id do extra shifts to bring it in. i found out aswell that he had started using canabis as a way to stay cheerful and i was also informed that he was sleeping with a friend of mine. i refused to believe this but disgused it with him, he blew up in a rage (which was quite frightening) and told me to stop being silly and say no more about it. when ever he was low or we had disagreed on something he would self harm. my life was unhappy and this reflected on the kids. by the time kids were, 8,4 yrs old it had got so bad that i just couldnt talk to him. if i went out he'd accuse me of flirting with other men or sleeping around. i tried so hard to tell him i only had eyes for him (which was true) but one night we both went out. it was a friends b'day and all the girls were going to go for a drink and a karoeke. i new he wanted to be there so i asked him to come (surely he'd see i was only going to have a laigh with mates). at the end of the night i could see the anger on his face, he all but threw me into a cab and all the way home i could see how angry he was. i was frightened and the next morning he woke me, telling me i was a slag, whore and a prick tease. apparantly id been talking to my mates boyfriend for 5 mins and it was obvious that i wanted to sleep with him. i just couldnt beleive this and instead of being quiet i stuck up for myself and told him he was driving me mad. during that weekend he decided i was to be punished for my behaviour and told kids, "mommy is very naughty and doesnt deserve anything", so they had to leave me alon and not talk to me. i could hear him downstarirs shouting and bullying kids, i was scared and didnt know what he was gfoing to do. three days after this he seemed to calm down. we took kids to school and i stayed off work as i didnt want to leave kids with him alone (i dont know why, i just did). after school he flipped again when he saw me laughing with the kids. he started smashing up the living room, calling me names and when i tried to grab kids and leav he attacked me. eventually i managed to free kids but i knew it was me who he wanted to hurt. he pinned me up a wall and tried to strangle me, calling me the most disgusting names then when i couldnt breath he threw me across the room. i was knocked out for a while and very bruised. although he'd bullied me for some yrs, he'd never got physical with me. after what seemed like ages i woke to find him saying "my darling you slipped", "are you ok, i love you baby" etc it took me two days to get out of my home to tell someone and when i did they took me to the police. it was treated as domestic abuse and over the last few years ive had to go through many courts (he was eventually charged and found guilty of assult and beating) and am now Divorced. whilst typing this i can imagine people are going to think im stupid when i say, i miss him so much. its been two years and i have a lovely man in my life who is brill with the kids and is kind to me. my exhusband is in a new relationship and he appears so happy and content with his new woman each and has moved in with her, he's been with her a year now and the kids say she seems nice but wont say anything else as their father wont let them. i get angry that he can be loving and kind to her and he was so horrid to me. i keep crying, thinking maybe i could of done more. im angry that im feeling like this. its been two years now and this other woman has the best part of my husband, the man i loved..... its not fair, help me whats wrong with me ??????

Dear Treasurechest It's hard to move on emotionally from a partner when you have had children with them. We have to grieve and they say grief takes 2 years so it 's time to lay your bonds to rest or at least move on. You gave the relationship your all and maybe your ex is now reformed. But you don't know that. He has moved into her home. Perhaps he can't handle the responsibility of a family. You are imagining that he has some wonderful relationship with this new person but you don't know that. What do you think would have happened had you stayed with him-what would it have done to you and your children? Try to get into the present and realise how lucky you are to have escaped a destructive relationship and you still have your children and someone who cares for you. Is there someone who is not involved for you to talk it through with-or may be you could think about therapy. It seems that you have had to be strong to achieve what you have so far now you need to work on your self esteem. Here are some quotes that might help-'We are what we think, with our thoughts we make our world'. 'The past is history, the future is a mystery, the present is a gift.' 'If it doesn't kill you it will make you stronger' Be strong you sound like a lovely loving person give it to the world don't waste it on the past! Use your energies to make a productive, creative life for you and those who love you. Hoping there is something in this ramble that helps wishing you peace and joy-Rosie.

thank you so much Rosie for your advice, i have read and re-read it a couple of time now and your right. ive built up this lovely safe / happy and loving enviroment for my kids. i have all new mates (he'd slept with or had arguments with our origional mates). he is giving this ora of complete bliss his end and that he's got a younger girlfriend..... what a looser. over the last five years i was with him, he promised and tried to change several times.... shes been with him about a year now, true colours always come out sooner or later, good ridance x