Girlfriend from the Philippines

I am sorry if my story gets very long, but I hope you will read it anyway and comment it :-) Almost 3 years ago, during a 3-week vacation in the Philippines, I met a Filipina girl and we fell deeply in love. I´m from Northern Europe myself. She had a job as an assistant chef in a restaurant, was a single mother, with 3 children from a previous relationship. I already knew at that time that this could be a quite a challenge, considering that after I left the country, we would be far away from each other, and 3 children can be quite a “handful”, considering that she only has one income. She did not have any contact anymore to the kids’ father. I have heard and read about several stories, where guys are being scammed by girls from Southeast Asia (Thailand, Philippines etc.) – and therefore I was very aware to watch all the “danger signals”, if she was really only choosing me for the money. However, as a person I am not very prejudiced and I believe in the good things in people. Even shortly after meeting her, it was like I had known her for a long time already. She had EVERYTHING I look for in a girl. Very good looking, funny, kind, honest and always wanting to make sure I had a good time there, by introducing me to her friends etc. I had MANY thoughts on my mind before leaving the country, and I knew that I had to think about this very carefully. Before leaving the country - we agreed to stay in contact after I got home. In the following weeks and months, we were chatting, Skyping online almost on a daily basis and our love grew even stronger. I can say without any doubt – that I have never loved a girl the way I loved her. We really completed each other. We have had many deep conversations together. In the following time - I sensed that she worked very hard in her job (60-70 hours each week), but that it was still a big struggle for her financially, to make ends meet, with 3 children. I think her average monthly salary at that time was around $250, - Her mother lived not far away from her and took care of her children and she could visit them after work once or twice a week. She lived alone in a small apartment herself. She did not ask me for financial help, but as I have a good income, I decided to start to help her financially. In the beginning only with small amounts. About 4-5 months after my first visit, I travelled to the Philippines again to visit her. I have to say that when I left again after 10 days, I felt that she was not really the same person, like when I visited her the first time. I felt that her character had changed a bit, and even my vacation time there was OK – I felt that she was not the same person, compared to my first visit. After I got home again I asked her if something was wrong, and she told me that her sister lost her job and had personal problems too and that had affected my girlfriend too. Furthermore, her younger brother had been involved in some gang activity and she was worried about him too. Soon thereafter the problems really started. First my girlfriend got hit by a small truck on the way to work, and broke her ankle. At that time, she did not have any health insurance, so I paid for her hospital stay. Only a short time thereafter, one day she called me on the phone, and said she had very bad stomach pain. I paid for her to go to the doctor, and according to her the doctor said she had a cyst on her ovary that needed to be removed. I paid for that too. Even later that summer on her way home from work she collapsed due to stress, “low blood percentage” and had to go to hospital to get dextrose intravenously and I paid for her hospital stay there too. Even today – almost three years after meeting my GF the first time – I still consider her to be very honest towards me. But sometimes I can’t help thinking that at some point she might have scammed me for money, because it’s NOT normal to have to go to the hospital that often within only a few months. About the foot/ankle-incident, I know it was true, because there is still a very clear mark on her foot after her ankle was broken, and it wasn’t there, the first time I met her. That means she could NOT have lied about this. About the low blood / stress incident, I talked to a person on the phone when my GF said she was in hospital. She said it was a doctor, and the person introduced himself on the phone as a doctor, but I can’t prove it. However, my only proof is – that he was talking in complicated medical terms on the phone, but like I said - I can’t prove it was a doctor. About the ovary-problem, I cannot prove anything, except she has a small scar. As of now – even it should NOT be like that in a relationship – whenever my GF has expenses for doctors, hospitals etc. and I help her financially etc., I ask her to send me receipts and there are no problems with that. She accepts that with no problems. I know at this point – many people would already say: Get the fu** out of there – she might be scamming you. However, I have NEVER been able to catch her in a lie – even when I checked it thoroughly and “put out traps”. I know it’s difficult to understand for people who don’t know her – but she still seems to be so very honest to me, even if I look very objectively at things. I consider myself to be a person who is able to “read” a person very well – and I feel my girlfriend is still very honest to me. Even if I look VERY objectively at things. The worst thing however, happened about 4 months later. Back then, on several occasions my GF collapsed with severe attacks at work and had to go to hospital. I saw pictures of her at that time, and I could clearly see that she did NOT look very good and that this was not fake. She was really sick somehow. However, on most occasions she managed to pay herself for her (mostly short) stays in hospital, and she also borrowed money from her sister. One day while chatting in Facebook, she told me that she had a CT-scan made – and that a doctor had told her that she needed a heart transplant! At that point I decided to travel to the Philippines because it was starting to be too much for me. She was still in a hospital when I got there – and I even talked to a person that late evening, who claimed he was a doctor. He confirmed that she needed a heart transplant quite badly, but she needed to get ready for operation first. I was told – that the price would be around $10.000. I got the phone number of the doctor and he left. When I saw my GF in the hospital I had no doubt that she was sick, because she did not look very well. That could NOT be faked. I went home to my hotel and after a day I called the doctor. I sensed right away that something was REALLY wrong, when I started asking him more detailed questions about my GF on the phone. He also sounded drunk. Suddenly my questions became too detailed for him, and he hung up. Now I knew for sure that something was VERY wrong! The day after, I went back to the hospital and demanded to talk to a doctor in charge! It was only a small hospital so there was not a doctor there all the time – only nurses – and some doctors on “stand by” duty during the late hours. When I talked to the doctor in charge, he told me that my girlfriend had caught a pneumonia and that she has had some BAD attacks and cramps due to hyperventilation, caused by stress. When I told the doctor in charge about the other “doctor” and about the heart transplant, he just laughed and said that this was not the case and he did not know the doctor I talked about. It turned out that the doctor had sneaked into the hospital just before I arrived. It turned out that my girlfriend had met the “fake” doctor at the place where she got her CT-scan – and he had offered her to assess her scanning pictures. Apparently she had told the “fake” doctor that she had a boyfriend who was a foreigner and he saw a chance to earn some “easy money”. To this day, I still don’t know if it was a real doctor or not, but at some point he prescribed pills and medicine to my girlfriend. The CT-scanning institute did not know anything about the “fake” doctor. Once more I did not really know what to believe anymore. Once more I think the readers of my story would say: “Get the fu** out of that relationship” she might be scamming you. However, after the “fake-doctor-incident” I have been analyzing the events VERY carefully and objectively, over and over and over again – and I would say that 95% of the things that my girlfriend told me can be confirmed - meaning she has most probably told me the truth about everything. The story is a bit longer – but too long to explain everything in details here – but some of the things that she said – and things that can be proved, confirms her version of the story. Furthermore, I have learned that there are big cultural differences between Europeans and Filipinos. Two of her old friends have tried to break up our relationship, because they envied her, having a foreign boyfriend. They started telling lies about her, and her past – but I have been able to prove that they were lying about everything. One person told me that my girlfriend was doing this and that on a specific date, but I knew it was a lie – because at that particular date I was in the Philippines and together with my girlfriend all day long. All this was about 1 and a half years ago. In the meantime, my girlfriend has been here in my country for 2 months on a visitor’s visa – where she lived at my house. After that she went back to the Philippines to continue her work. Due to a LOT of work from my side and also from her side, I haven’t visited her for a year now and she has not visited me for about a year now. So what is my problem? What are my challenges? We are still talking about living together permanently – but there are some challenges. My country has very strict immigration laws. This means that we cannot live together here and she can’t work here – unless we marry. However, I do not feel ready for that yet. I feel that the culture in the Philippines is very much different from here – and to be honest I can’t imagine living there. This is where we are now. We have talked about Sweden – where the immigration laws are very liberal. However, she needs to find work there – to be allowed to stay there, and it’s not that easy. However, I also feel that we cannot have this long distance relationship forever – and that we need to find a solution soon. Having a long-distance relationship for almost 3 years has almost killed me. Financially I am still supporting her each month – but only with a quite limited amount. However, with her own income, combined with my financial support, she is able to lead a good life there. For the last 1 ½ years – she has not been sick (knock on wood), and I feel that our long-distance relationship is working OK. We both work a lot – and we both feel OK with that as of now. Sometimes she is too tired to chat with me very long after work – and that makes me a bit sad – because sometimes we are only in contact every 2-3 days. Then for 1-2 days I don’t hear anything from her. Furthermore – I have many thoughts on my mind these weeks and months about our relationship. When my GF was here for 2 months last year – and we lived together - I did not really feel the same deep love from her side as I felt it right after we met. I know – that in every relationship – many things become routine after some time – and that the first 2-3 months after falling in love are very special and intense. I still feel she loves me – but not in quite the same way as when we just met. I have to admit – that we have had our fair share of arguments – mainly because she is very stubborn and doesn’t always understand me hehehehe. The cultural differences have been an issue too, and to be honest also some money matters. For me personally - I also feel that all the “events” that I mention, her sickness, all her envious ex-friends etc. have been VERY tough on our relationship. I do still love my GF – but to be honest I also feel that it´s not the same love like it was right after we met the first time. When she was sick – and when I did not know if she was scamming me – there HAVE been times, when I wanted to break up – and there have been times, when I wished I had never gone into a relationship with her. I am sorry to say that – but that is how I have felt at some points of our relationship. Sometimes I still have MANY doubts – if she did scam me for money at some point or not. Objectively I have not been able to prove that she ever lied to me – and I feel I know her very well – and I feel she is honest to me. But sometimes I still have my doubts. I also still have my doubts about the future. How about her kids? Even she moves here or we move to Sweden, her kids cannot follow her as of now. What happens in the long run? Her kids are between 5 and 14 years of age - and they need her from time to time. I know that many Filipino people work abroad and are far away from their children and the children live at their Grandparents, and that this is very common in the Philippines. My girlfriend also says that her kids would understand her, if she works and lives abroad – because she would be able to have a higher income here and to help her family better. She tells me – that it would be OK with her – if she can just visit her kids 2-3 times each year. Of course there are things like Skype etc. where she can see them every day, but it´s NOT the same as being there for real. My thought right now is – that “the honeymoon days are over”. My GF tells me all the time, that she still loves me, but when we are chatting together, I feel it´s NOT the same as before. Now it´s more like – “how was your day?”, “have a good day at work”, “sleep well” and “goodbye – chat you another day”. We are hardly talking about any personal things anymore. I am 42 years old now. When I was younger, my biggest dream was to have a family, but with my own kids. Back then I could not imagine having “bonus”-kids, I mean having a girlfriend, who had kids with another man. I know that is very selfish of me, considering that my GF has her own kids now and of course I would have to live with them at one point. Of course I love her kids, but to be VERY honest, I don’t know if I can really accept them fully, once we all live together. I know that I should have considered that much earlier, but love makes a man blind and that is very honestly how I feel now. However, I also know that if I break up with my Filipina girlfriend now, it would break her heart totally, and I don’t know what would happen to her. Sometimes when we have argued, she has told me, that without me, her life doesn’t make any sense anymore, and she would rather be dead or in prison than without me. About the financial aspect, she would have to struggle VERY hard, to make ends meet, without my financial support. That would break my heart to know that she has to live that way. At the moment I have many thoughts on my mind. I hate every single day at my work, and I know that I have to make MANY and IMPORTANT decisions about my work life and about our relationship in the coming weeks and months. I am quite close to my mother – not so close to my dad – and I have talked to her about my challenges a few times in the past. She really wants to help me to make the right decision, but she also feels it is difficult to give me the right advice. I am sorry that this has to be such a long message – but SO MANY things have happened in the past 2-3 years – and I don’t want to leave my GF (if that ends up being my decision) – without having thought through everything many times before making my decision. I hope you can give me some inputs and suggestions on what to do.

Only you can make the call concerning your relationship. You need to follow your gut instinct when it comes to handling the doubts of it. When you can state that your 3 year LDR has almost killed you, then you need to step back and ask yourself if this is the right way to live your life. There's no way you can be happy if you have a daily struggle trying to make it work and you need to be happy and healthy to have any sort of a future with anyone. Forget about scamming, what about you? After 3 years, you should have a good idea if you want this woman to be your wife because if you really needed her, you would be moving heaven and earth to make her your lawful wedded wife, regardless of cultural differences, distance or immigration laws. You would find a way to make it happen...and you would accept everything about her including her children. It's that simple. You have a relationship which is almost impossible to maintain, and while you state you need to make many important decisions, you need to make them for you and you alone.

You should drop her. That's why we don't go to the Philappines. Because you're a sucker. I didn't have to go to the Phillipines. I got ripped off like that in my own country. Here's my story, you solve it. 1. On net looking for used bikes for kids, met this woman, who immediately threw out the hook to me by saying she had been abused, had incurable skin cancer that had gotten into the blood stream. I got her an apptt. with my skin doctor who took off a few places that turned out to be OK when tested. Wait, where's the skin cancer that's already in the blood stream? It didn't exist. I caught her in a lie. Did it wise me up? No, she had already hooked me by how much she needed me and probably an early, "I love you," even though at my age, it was silly. But I'm already hooked. 2. She come over to my place under some pretense. She pulls me in with a little bit of sexual foreplay, and then stopped it in 5 seconds. Now she has me hooked in a second and third way, not just emotionaly, or the "I love you's" or the "I need you's" attitude. 3. A week after the hint of sex, we're into one of our 2 hour phone calls late at night, and she lets me know new(to her) trailer she just moved into is leaking. I say, "How much will it cost to fix it?" Does that question sound familiar to you? She told me and I paid for it. Sound familiar? From one sucker to another, let's cry on one another's shoulders a little be. Crokidile tears, baby. Then I didn't hear from her. Hello? Then she didn't return my calls. Then I rem. her telling about some pistol she owned...and...and...and. Then it all started to make sense. I had been conned. And as she said from the beginning, "I've been sexually abuse." Let's see, rough life, treating people rough. I wonder what it means for the next guy that walks down the street? Same story to him. Some people believe the story, some people are smart enough to walk away. It's a matter of, which group do you fall in? Sucker, or you walk away. I never did get my money back. A year or two earlier, another female did me the same way, and I reacted the same. Are you manic-depressive. You wrpte a really, really long post. I'm manic-depressive, which is one reason this post is so long. You might go to a d-d website and answer the 10 or 20 questions to help you determine if you have that. I think m-d's are probably subseptable to wanting to help such females. You said she had 3 kids. You said you had sex with her, first date, right? OK, she hooked you in real quick. Where did you meet her, in a strip joint? Let me guess, you didn't meet her at the library? OK, I'm just guessing here. But it was at one of the high class strip joints. OK, that makes a difference. Whew!!! If you had full sex with her, 20 times, yeah, you're pretty well pulled in, and with 20 "I love you's" on top of that, 15, "What can I do to make you happies?", a few "I need you's," five "I've had it roughs," and a pair of pretty legs, oh, my gosh! You're beyond help. Me and you both. And I only had about 5 seconds of "this could work into something nice." You need to get with a stripper here in your own country. You can get that same treatment in the downtown district of your hometown. You don't have to travel so far. You can ripped off right there in your own city. You're lucky, you haven't brought her and her 3 kids to your country and married her. You can walk away from that at any moment. Tell her your money's dried up and watch her attitude change. You don't need to give her another penny. 3 kids, she's got 10 people she's already done that to, 5 more she's working on, and 3 in the bag right now, and you're one of them. The 3 kids is a clue. Why didn't one of those men marry her? Hello! Because they know she's a con artist. You're hooked on the adrenolin of sex and supposed love, and she's draining you for your money, even if you never get married. Read about con artists on net, and see if you don't recognize her. It says, "Stay away from that." Another thing going for you is, you've got 12,000 miles distance in between you and her. Use that to your advantage. Hook up with a stripper in your own hometown, sort of like mehodone, to get you off of your drug of adrenolin from having sex with this woman in the Phillipines. It's just a drug. I'm the expert on this. She gives you your drug, you give her your money. There's no such thing as free sex. And you and I are shining examples of that. Look at how much you've paid her for 20-30 times of "free" sex.

PJVL9 You really need to get help. Fast. Very fast. I hope for you that there is a good shrink near where you live. Why are you bothering people here? Maybe I should report you?

@MANALONE Thank you for your comment and that you took the time to read my thread. Normally I am very good at listening to my "gut instict" and make my decisions on that background - but I find it very difficult here. Some days i want to move together with her right away and other days I feel different and worry about the future. Maybe I am mixing too many things together at the same time and that makes it confusing for me: My work situation, our relationship and other personal "issues". I think I need to look at all things separately. I´m not saying that I never want to marry her, but even I have known her for almost 3 years now, I have not even lived together with her for 3 months in total, and that´s not enough for me to be honest. I know that I still love her, and I know that she loved me very much right after we met. I think maybe my problem is also that I am not 100% sure that she still loves me the same way, even she says she does. I think the key is to meet up with her soon again - then listen follow my gut instinct - and after that make my decision. Thanx again for your reply!

I do apologize for my response. After I read "The Philippines," I quit reading. I did read more, but I thought I had that one figured out. Based not on her, but on the last 4 women I've had any kind of relationship with. One of them was my wife, one was the woman who helped me after my wife passed away from a long illness, and one was a woman who sold bikes to me. And I'm still doing the same with a woman who now helps me, that is, I help her financially when I can, and I feel myself falling back into the same trap. The helping out, mostly women, gene. So, I lend myself to that, and felt you were going in that direction, also. The woman I'm helping out now, nobody could talk me out of that, either. I just have this huge desire. I'm hoping there are no more "big ticket" items coming my way that I might feel this huge need to help her out with. I'm afraid of myself, among other people, for I fall right into that trap, almost like an alcoholic. When I read that you were paying some of her bills, I could see myself, and felt like it was the same situation I had been in numerous times. The woman who is helping me out right now, is not that way, so there is a huge difference between her and the others. However, I think she had a rough beginning, has told me she used to be on drugs, oh, my gosh, has given other signs of a rough lifestyle, and every now and then I shake wondering if she's like the others, and I do have somewhat of a dependency on her and her help. Just the right combination. And I realize how vulnerable I am to that type of female, and wonder if there is any other kind. So, again, I do apologize.