Should I broke up dramatic relationship?

Hey everyone! Thanks for the interest in my post. I just broke last night with my bf... I still feel tempted to call him and ask for try again, I do like him, care about, and I feel attracted sexually and intellectually by him. Problem is: he is a very insecure person, and he is all the time questioning his importance in my life. He makes stuff like "you didn't reply my good night text last night, so that means you don't love me" ... It's been almost one year we are together, and I always tried to work on this, but it arrived at one point that I feel I can't progress in my life because of this dramas... Another important fact to refer is that we both are unemployed and in a transition period. Looking for a better life... But he is so insecure that I don't think he is doing enough to change his life situation, he sits and complain and dreams for things fall from the sky... He never fight! Sometimes we do things together, but I feel I'm the person who "drives the boat" and he just follow me... And every time I try to do something alone (like projects outside our town), at the beginning he supports me and encourage me, but then, If we are in distance and I don't reply or say him "I love you" all the time and stuff, he gets mad and starts to accuse me that I'm doing new stuff alone to get rid of him!! We spoke before break up, he told me I'm responsible for his insecurities. Be cause when we have problems I act like "I don't care", so he doesn't know his importance in my life... HE said he wanted to try to trust me and make less dramas, but I needed also to promise to show when we have problems that I still care about the relationship... Problem is, I don't know how!!! I get crazy everytime he accuse me for unfair stuff and the thoughts that I'm not progressing in life because of him are constantly in my mind... Does someone understand my situation and has a good advice for me?! I'm sad because I'm loosing a person I really like, but I don't know how to deal with his dramas and insecurities.. Thank you very much for reading, All good. Shelle.

If he doesn't have the will to better himself and look for opportunities to do, then he never will do the same with you in a relationship while he has this mindset. He needs to look in the mirror and take a big cup of 'harden up' but you don't have to be there or wait around for him. You have a choice as to look ahead or be left behind shackled to a guy because of your care factor for him. You need to understand that you can encourage and support him until you are 'blue in the face', but he alone, has to make the effort to kick start his own confidence. Then and only then, can you support each other in your quest for a better life. Your post tells us that you are starting to feel insecure yourself because of your continued year long loyalty to him but understand that you are most certainly NOT responsible for his insecurities whatsoever and that while you stay with him, you are basically being dragged down to his level.

When I first saw your name, I thought it was Shella, and it reminded me of a rock and roll song from about 1960. And I rem. the line: Sweet little Shella, you'd know her if you see her, Her name...drives me insane. Sweet little Shella, you'd know her if you see her Love to make that girl all mine. Me and Shella go for ride, uh, huh, huh, huh, feel a funny inside. Me and Shella sit real near, uh, huh, huh, huh, I love you, Shella dear. Thanks for the memories.

When I first saw your name, I thought it was Shella, and it reminded me of a rock and roll song from about 1960. And I rem. the lines: Sweet little Shella, you'd know her if you see her, Her name...drives me insane. Sweet little Shella, you'd know her if you see her Love to make that girl all mine. Me and Shella go for ride, uh, huh, huh, huh, feel a funny inside. Me and Shella sit real near, uh, huh, huh, huh, I love you, Shella dear. (The tune is as nice as the words, you'll have to go to a tune website to hear that.) I don't know anything about your problem, but thanks for the memories.

susiedqqq: I think about an hour or 2 after I typed that, or when I woke up this morning, I thought, "It's spelled `Sheila.'" Have you ever heard the song? I don't think of it but about once every 10 years, but it's great. I sang that song for awhile after I typed the above lyrics. And thanks for remembering the song, "Sheila." Have you ever heard it?

Thanks a lot for all your replies PJVL9, SUSIEDQQQ and MANALONE. Your suggestions were useful. Well, I did call him to meet up and talk the day after the break up, and off course, we are back together! I realise I was missing him a lot and I wanted to try more! But off course, I'm still full of doubts... We spoke and he admits he's not right when he does the dramas. But at the same, every time we have a problem, I do demotivate with the relationship, I say stuff like "I don't care anymore, I'll focus in my own life, etc" (is true I say this kind of stuff when he picks my temper) and for that, he feels I'm not sure about the relationship, so that's why he's so insecure.... The situation is like a ping-pong game: he makes dramas - I demotivate with relationship because of that - he feels insecure - he makes dramas ..... I got a plan to move soon to another country and start a new life... He says he wants to come with me... But I got an offer from friend that is already there, to share a room with her... I don't know what to do... For one side, I want to go with him, but at the same time, I don't think our relationship is stable enough for such a big step! It can be very problematic! And also I'm afraid I'll have to look after him too much and not be able to focus on myself... And also, this is my idea, not his idea. I don't think he really knows what to do with is life, or maybe he is just too in love with me, and the biggest priority in his life now is be with me, together. But I need him to have is own initiatives and projects! I don't know what to do.. Should I try this with him, should I risk my life by myself and let someone I love behind?! This is so difficult...

Back together? GOOD! Because I was just about to ask you this in response to: "Problem is: he is a very insecure person, and he is all the time questioning his importance in my life. He makes stuff like "you didn't reply my good night text last night, so that means you don't love me" "... Why WOULDN'T one lover reply to their lover's 'good night' text? Surely if it turned out the next day that you had a plausibly acceptable excuse he'd be alright with it? And yet he hasn't been. So it sounds like a regular failure on your part. The guy sends you goodnight texts. Do you know how many visitors to this forum would walk naked down their high street for that level of befitting attentiveness? Listen, Commitmentphobe Number Three-Zillion-And-Two, I've GOT your number (and your negative self-fulfilling prophesy). You're the insecure one and you've infected him. And he's infectable purely and understandably because he's deeply, scarily in-love with you, meaning, every little thing you say or do or indicate or fail to, HURTS OR ALARMS/HERALDS HURT. So, no, your relationship is never going to become stable until you dare to immerse yourself in that (uncharacteristically-for-you) hot bath-for-two and resultantly dare start to behave in ways that PROVIDE a sense of safety/stability to someone so vulnerable to you. I imagine once he's got that (what for him is clearly a) primary requisite under his belt, and with his no longer having to keep his nervous eyes constantly on you in order to know whether or not his heart is safe in your hands, his paralysis where concerns the rest of his life aspects will cease. Are you brave enough and mature enough for truly-madly-deeply in your life, the type of man for whom love is his number one priority, or not? That is the $6m question. There's such a thing as high-maintenance in a GOOD way, you know. And anyway, you make it sound like this plan to emigrate is irreversible. Of course it's not. Nothing man-made is. So why don't you just try it, Sam-I-Am? You might like it. :-) ...Or not... and be back on this forum in another year, complaining that your new fella treats you like some mere appendage. ;-p

Hey SOULMATE! That was a very good reply. Thanks! Well yeah, I never been sure I wanted that kind of relationship with him, and off course, he feels it, and that's the reason he acts the way he does... But, I do have reasons to not be sure about it. I don't think is because I'm afraid of love, or I can't trust people or any of that. Is just because I see things in him that I do dislike. Like, is general atitude towards his life and problematic situations... He is all the time procrastinating, he gets stuck when problematic situations arrives. And is where I have to make my role: trying to motivating him, convince him to do stuff, give him ideas, etc etc! And also he's often waiting for my decisions... He just sits and wait... I don't know If I want to take a "hot bath-for-two" like you said, with a person like this. I feel I'm just cary on a child!! Off course he has 10000 qualities, and yes, I feel lucky for be with a person that truly loves me, for some reason we are still together... But this is not only a question of love, is more practical issues, I think. Or do you think is only me being immature and not brave for love?! Also I should refer: he suffers from insomnias; anxiety (he had a period in his life, just before starting with me, that he almost couldn't go out of home, with big levels of panic attacks. That last about 3/4 years. Till he broke up with his previous girlfriend - 6 years relationship - and started to get better and with motivation to enjoy life); also his dead and his brother died 4 years ago, long story, but is still very hard for him... I don't want to analise him. But his problems really puts loads of pressure in me, and requires loads of my time and dedication... Maybe I have also my own problems that he has to deal with, and he feels okay about it... But I'm very afraid of moving to a huge city and sharing a room and house with a person with insomnias and anxiety crises :/ I should refer also that our love started from a friendship... We have been friends for 10 years, since high school! And very close friends! Just happened that I've been living out of the country, but we always kept in touch online, and he was my number one friend every time I was passing here... Than last year, he was single, I was living here, and we just decided to have fun together, and very fast turned into a romantic relationship... But yes, I never been totally sure... I appreciate any advice :)

"Well yeah, I never been sure I wanted that kind of relationship with him, and off course, he feels it, and that's the reason he acts the way he does..." How can you be sure you want/don't want something you've never before experienced if you don't at least give it a real and proper trial run? News for you: Never mind any man-made 'isms' and ideas like equality of the sexes. In this domain and where the Chase and Woo are concerned, the man is very much in charge, certainly in terms of proactivity. During those two stages, the woman's job is merely to show whatever response befits the behaviour. So as the woman of the piece, during said stages you're not SUPPOSED to want that depth of relationship with him - or anyone. That's not how Nature works. Granted, we control-freak beings seem to think we're bigger and cleverer than our intrinsic, animalistic natures. And in some cases now that we've been endeavouring to be more "serfistikaytid", that's true. But the trouble is, most tend to throw baby out with the bathwater. In other words, SOME sides of the inner animal are best suppressed for the smooth-running of modern living, but others absolutely should not (and good luck to anyone arrogant enough to try because the animal's still the boss and will NOT be pushed beyond any certain point). Where romantic pairbonding is concerned, the wiring governing it has not progressed/altered a jot. FACT! So this is how it goes (and never mind prior friendship, you're in a completely different domain now): the male comes across a quietly reluctant female that lights his particular candle (and vice versa, whether she realises at the time or not). I'm talking calibre of chemistry as express both physically and mentally. He does a set dance (despite finer details can be varied) in a more-or-less set order and the female increasingly comes round as he increasingly wears down her defenses. And that's why men love a challenge. They're wired to. The process and way in which he wears down said defenses is the very thing that triggers her primitive, mating programme to RUN and her to yield to the inevitable. In other words - how he ends up impressing her above all other potential suitors. ...Persistence with a certain finesse. He gets to her THROUGH HER. And if he can do that, then she can rest assured that come the day she's got kids around her ankles or is for whatever other reason out for the hunting and self-caring count, she's got a reliable team-mate to look after her ("Men love women, women love kids, kids love hamsters"). That's teamwork and why men and women pair up monogamously for-life in the first place (that and the fact our young take BLOODY YEARS to gain maturity and independence and even then don't cease relying on their parental unit). ...unless she's a once- or -recently-bitten / over-consciously-controlling / immature (purely as in, not yet ripe enough to settle down) merchant whose defenses are less like meltable ice and more like a suit of armour. When that's the case, that's too much challenge and he gives up or doesn't even begin to try. After all, if you insist on picking a fruit from a tree before it's ready to cede its grip, whereby you have to exert tugging force, the fruit is only going to end up tasting sour and give you tummy-ache. You WILL find things you dislike in a mate. Nobody's perfect. But chemistry tends to colour all such faults and foibles as cute and/or tolerable, especially when their other, good or amazing qualities get taken into account. However, that takes a willingness to subject yourself to that long-term chemical cocktail process to begin with, which - beyond a certain quantum - takes TIME featuring experience under all manner of situations and circumstances both biological and practical. I've dealt with his procrastinatory bent already. How can you deal with In-Tray B, C, D, etc., if Tray A contains problems and things yet to be dealt with and surmounted? If he's as 'love comes first' merchant as he sounds, it stands to reason that in his mind everything else would have to wait. Alternatively/additionally, he MIGHT subconsciously have worked out that whenever he's procrastinating over life's biz, that's when he gains your extra attention as meets his Full gauge? I mean, extra attention is extra attention even despite it might have to be of the negative variety? And/or maybe he's concluded you WANT a quasi-child of a man and that that'll do him compared to his having to lose you from his life? One thing's for sure, however: you won't know whether he's a genuinely intrinsic however-much flake or simply slightly depressed from feeling like a bit of a romantic failure and not understanding why, until you remove said disquieting/discouraging/dispiriting contents from said In-Tray A so that his mind is finally free enough TO get on with his practical load. "Everything I do, I do it for you" (- Bryan Adams). Don't listen to the face-saving, macho hype out there, listen to Mr Honest Adams: a LOT of male lovers can't get motivated, even enough to get out of bed in the morning, unless they're doing it for the sake of their woman and relationship, whereby the minute there are problems or things just don't seem to be clicking into place sufficiently for the tenure, getting them to stay chirpy and on top of everything becomes like nailing jelly to the ceiling. You'd be surprised how many! Mr Soulmate is one such type, and MANY friends initially told me they thought he often behaved like he was "insecure or something". So I sat back and had a really long, hard think about it. I knew that judgement didn't gel with how he'd been when we'd first met, when he was Mr Proactive & Confident... meaning, it had to be me/our relationship. I and how I was behaving (or rather, failing to behave) was MAKING him insecure. I, too, was whoops!-failing to respond befittingly to loving texts, etc. In other words, there was no insecurity smoke without remiss fire. Was I scared of commitment? No. Not in an 'OMG, I could get hurt' way (because psychologically I'm covered top-to-toe in toughened scar tissue). I just had hated living 24/7 with prior lovers, i.e. picking damp towels off the floor, etc., etc. and never having enough Me Time. So I decided to cease tarring him with the same brush without fair basis, focus on his personality au natural (as in, unconnected with me), including how neat, tidy and organised his own house and life in actual fact were, and put him to the fairer test. We moved in together and WHAMMO!/PHEW! - he and I turned out to be 99% compatible in a cohabitational sense and - POOF! - gone were his so-called insecurities, like magic! And ever since, apart from the odd, perfectly natural blip, he and I together have been SICKENINGLY happy beyond our wildest dreams. He knew it was there to be had; *I* was the idiot. But there again, I think it's fairer to say he'd always been a couple of steps ahead of me back then, meaning it was only ever a case of, slightly out of synch and my needing to run a bit to catch up. However, if you think I'm my only guinneapig in that regard, you'd be very wrong. (I'm just an exceptionally stubborn fecker, what can I say? LOL) Kudos to him on never having lost faith in me/us (ye gods - perish the thought!)! However - back to you: You SAY you don't have problems with trusting him and yet look at where you are. You're talking to us when really you should be telling HIM all of this. So why aren't you? If you don't know how to broach such a completely honest, heart-to-heart conversation about what, how and why is holding you back a bit from throwing yourself more appropriately into this relationship, then you might do well to suggest he and you seeing a counsellor, whilst making it clear it's less about real problems and more to do with wanting to encourage out, improve and heighten the good stuff and potential that's already there. 'Good housekeeping', if you like, and blowing away the cobwebs and the rucks under the rug that keep tripping the pair of you up. And - now the for the denouement ("Thank god!") - that's ALREADY indisputably true when you stop to pay attention to your FEET (inner animal) and what THEY are saying. And as far as I can see, you've cited all the 'rational' reasons in the world why you shouldn't abandon yourself to this relationship YET ARE NOT ONLY INSISTING ON STILL DOING IT, MEANWHILE HAVING *FAILED MISERABLY* TO WALK AWAY AND STAY WALKED AWAY, BUT HAVE TAKEN THE TIME AND TROUBLE TO COME ONTO A FORUM TO FIND WAYS TO REMOVE SAID BARRIERS. I rest my case, your instincts know better than Conscious You, you're in this for the long-haul whether you THINK you like it or not so... may as well do it PROPERLY, right? This guy is obviously more in touch with sustained actions and what they mean than you are. And, likewise, kudos to him for that! He may 'feel the fear', even to where it insists on leaking out, but he's certainly 'doing it anyway'! I also think EVERYONE is scared of truly-madly-deeply, either in itself or because they fear they're not ready to handle what stems from it. That's natural. But that's where chemistry comes in, it's the glue that keeps you in the game even despite yourself. And I quote (my caps): 1. I do like him, care about, and I feel attracted SEXUALLY AND INTELLECTUALLY by him. 2. he suffers from insomnias; anxiety (he had a period in his life, just before starting with me, that he almost couldn't go out of home, with big levels of panic attacks. That last about 3/4 years. TILL HE BROKE UP WITH HIS PREVIOUS GIRLFRIEND....also his brother died 4 years ago. Case closed and tough tittie - you're in it to win it whether you like it or not, LOL. Since you clearly DO deep-down know what all the perfectly solvable causal factors are, meaning his insecurity isn't coming independently from him nor from as far back as his childhood (e.g. abusive/neglectful parenting), and bearing in mind that, logically, it's impossible for ANY human to enter a relationship baggage-free (unless they've lived all alone in a locked safe their entire life) - it'd be best if you ceased triggering his old baggage, then, eh! So, then, you can go where you're going, kicking and screaming, or you can make things a lot smoother for he and you, can't you? This recent "break-up" can either pose as a great 'whilst the iron's hot' catalyst where honest talks towards reassuring and dispelling are concerned or you can continue hiding business (or its truer depth) that's his right and prerogative to know and thereby exacerbate the original problem and Catch 22. If, subsequently, it transpires that you and he living together in a big city (??) DOESN'T work out, it's called, "I'm so sorry, but, having now given this relationship a truly fair trial, I am now in a position to know that you and I came close but not close enough". It's that or cease ever again crossing the road (because that carries giant risks for each of you as well). Meanwhile, I'd be happy to enter into a significant, monetary bet with you (using the owner of this site as 'broker') that once you and he are living like a proper couple, with you having muscled down properly/reassuringly, his insomnia and anxiety attacks will mysteriously disappear for-good. £100 to you if I'm wrong; nothing to me if you are. How that for odds! (And that'll be the easiest £100 I'll have ever made! ;-)) You game? (PS: "I appreciate any advice :)" Assuming you're still awake, yes, LOL)