Just need support

So I am 22 and I spent the first 13 years of my life abused and neglected. I am now living in a great place, married to a great man who loves and supports me. There are times when I have expressed feelings offantasizing of wanting to die. I did this once to him and and him and my family treated me so differently...It was like I was a kid again and I was being babysat...I have never said anything to him about it again. Even though I have a great life now and I am more happy then I have ever been, sometimes, I still think of dying. I plan,I vision it, I think of it at least once a week at minimum. I haven't acted on it in years. Since I got out of high school. I guess what I am saying is that, I do think of it and my husband and family don't really get it. Its weird but I feel comfort more than anything when thinking of suicide....like the fact that my life will end soon, "this is just temporary" kind of thing helps me cope with life. And I dont know if its healthy or anything but I dont think Its necessarily "bad"...I think people just get to afraid of reality sometimes....Life is messy. its one big mess. Theres times I want to die, theres times Im really really happy..then theres times I dont want to get out of bed and I think of ending it again...

You should really seek counseling/therapy so that you can get an understanding of why/what is causing you to have these suicidal thoughts of wanting to die. Your husband and family may not have the knowledge/understanding/or expertise of how to handle your mental/emotional thoughts. When a person says they feel and think about dying it comes off like there is something wrong with them mentally .When in fact the neglect/abuse you endured is probably root cause of why you're having these thoughts/feelings. So go talk to people who will understand what you're going through. Thinking of dying as a coping mechanism I don't think is healthy. Please seek some therapy. Life is to be lived and enjoyed. The moderator for this site SOULMATE is great, I'm hoping she responds to your post.

You said, Abuse and neglect for 1st 13 years, and "there are times when I have expressed feelings of fantasizing of wanting to die." As my problems and my age mount, when I'm having it rough, in order to have an escape hatch, I sometimes think that, well, maybe my lifespan will end soon, type of thought. So, I can identify with you to a certain degree. I do take an anti-depressant. You say, "I did this once to him (telling him about those feelings) and him and my family treated me so differently...It was like I was a kid again and I was being babysat...I have never said anything to him about it again." If you were abused, maybe the abuse slowed your emotional growth, and "it was like I was a kid again and I was being babysat." You skim over that abuse every well, it seems, but do you dare think about it? Was it gosh awful? Do you want to tell about it? The two people above mention counseling and I agree with that. What I think is that you should perhaps have a psychiatrist so that you can be evaluated. Tell him or her, as you choose, what you are saying here and see what they think. With the abuse, there could be things going on in your unconscious that you aren't aware of. Another reason for a psy. might be, if you get too far down in the dumps, like "I don't want to get out of bed..." it might be nice to have a psy. who you can call to set up an appointment, or even come in during an emergency situation. If you don't have a psy., and you're really feeling bad, one, it's hard to think and make decisions under those conditions, and, two, who do you call? You've already got enough problems. But if you have a doctor, you'll know who to call. While you're up, that's the time to find a psy., not when you're thinking poorly. It's like the guy who didn't repair his roof when it was dry, because he didn't need to, and he didn't repair his roof when it was raining, because it was too wet. With my psy., I only see her like once every 6 or 8 weeks. And she does ask me, "are you thinking of hurting yourself or others?" So, see, you could have appts. like that. Just go in every 4 to 8 weeks, let your doctor know how you're doing. It almost painless. How often can be decided. As for finding a psy., you can look in the computer yellow pages and type in psy. for your home town. From the list, you can choose either a man or a woman, whichever you prefer. As for a recommendation, you can call a mental health center in your town from the yellow pages, and ask if they can recommend a psy. You could also look in the computer yellow pages for a woman's health center, or something, maybe with a hospital connection, where they offer classes for women in physical training, psychology classes, assertiveness training type programs. Ask the same thing, if the director or someone can recommend a psy. You seem to be doing very well, but this could also be helpful, now or years from now.

I really dont think its as bad as people think it is...I feel like i am doing great for someone who went through what i did...wanting to die or thinking of it from time to time does no harm as long as i dont act on those feelings. Being fully aware i think of it and talk about it is totally different then saying it and acting on it...I feel like its really not that bad and many people think of it..doesnt mean i need a therapists ..which btw i cant afford(insurance wont cover it)