He called me a waste of space

Last weekend my husband and I were at a wedding and we both drank to excess. He ended up disappearing for about an hour of the evening to the bar (lots of people around and I was socialising too) and when he came back he said to everyone 'I've found a new drinking buddy' and he had his arm around an australian woman. I gave them both a dirty look, I wasn't happy at all. He apologised and spent some time with me but I just could not get over so he got annoyed and left the wedding. When I made it back to our hotel, he turned the tables on me and called me a waste of space just like my father. He's been pretty normal since then. But I can't get over what he said. It's making me upset and now my confidence is at all time low . I can't talk to him about it again because he said he didn't want to talk about it. I don't know how to get myself out of this rut that I am in

You wrote: "I don't know how to get myself out of this rut that I am in." I just gave these sayings or quotes to someone else on this board, none of which have anything to do with you. Or maybe they do. Let's see.  ““And you’ll find that you’ll recover from fate’s hardest slam, if you never say die, say damn.” Hellen Keller said, “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.” You two could have stayed home and not gone to the wedding. But that would have been nothing. You two went the daring adventure route. And Hellen Keller said, you either go there, or your life is nothing. "Ships are safe in the harbor, but that's not what their made for." You could have stayed in the hotel room, where it would have been safe, but that's not what people are made for. _ “Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. " ~ Helen Keller __-- Falling down is how we grow. Staying down is how we die. --Brian Vaszily --"I’ve developed a new philosophy. I only dread one day at a time." – Charlie Brown _____________________________ When I was going through a tough time not too long ago, I sang this song as I walked the mean streets of my false rumoring neighborhood: "You'll Never Walk Alone" (the melody can be found on net) [Verse] When you walk through the storm Hold your head up high And don't be afraid of the dark At the end of the storm is a golden sky And the sweet silver song of the lark [Chorus] Walk on, through the wind Walk on, through the rain Though your dreams be tossed and blown Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart And you'll never walk alone You'll never walk alone [Verse] [Chorus] Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart And you'll never walk alone You'll never walk, you'll never walk alone ________________________________ Here below is the column on being positive, that has helped me. Unconsciously, I was negative and didn't know it because it was in my uncon., but for some reason I had difficulty solving problems. When I came across this col. below, on being positive going into a problem, I knew what my problem had been: con., I wanted to solve the problem, but uncon., I was neg., and until the 2 parts of my brain could work together, I wasn't going to solve a lot of problems. This col. helped me to train my uncon. to be positive. Prior to my next problem, I said to myself, just read this col. first. The problem is not the problem. The problem is your uncon. neg. So I read the col. first, and by the time I got to the 4th paragraph, I had solved the problem, by first clearing my uncon. of neg. When away from the col., and I had a problem, I would say to myself, "Think positive, think positive...." again, trying to clear the neg. from my uncon. Here's the col. below. ___________________________________________________ by Niki Scott June 21, 1994 “We all know people who race around in small, futile circles whenever they’re present with a problem to solve, and others who seem to be natural-born problem solvers—able to tackle obstacles, calmly, logically and effectively. “Fortunately, being a good problem-solver is not a genetic trait. It’s a learned skill, one that can be learned at any age. If you want to improve your problem-solving skills, here are 10 steps that will help: "The three most important things of a good problem solver are attitude, attitude, and attitude. If you think of obstacles as anxiety-producers and unfair burdens, you almost certainly aren't an effective problem solver." “If you view obstacles as opportunities to gather new information, stretch your imagination, learn new coping mechanisms and achieve more control over your life on the other hand, you’re probably a problem-solving whiz.” “Be an optimist. If your general outlook is pessimistic, you’re probably not a good problem solver. Facing every puzzle with the assumption that it’s probably unsolvable practically insures that it will be.” “Happily, changing from a pessimist to an optimistic frame of mind isn’t as difficult was it might sound. Pessimism isn’t a genetic trait, either. It’s a habit of thought we learned as children—and can unlearn as adults.” “Keep an open mind. Most problems have not just one solution, but many—and sometimes the best ones sound far-fetched or even bizarre at first.” “Be flexible. Force yourself to give up old, outmoded ways of thinking or acting even though they’re comfortable. Experiment with new ways of thinking and acting, and you’ll be surprised by how quickly THEY become comfortable.” “Believe in yourself—no matter what. If you believe you’ll be able to solve a problem, your chances of solving it double. Review your past successes—frequently!” “Take one step at a time. We all want guarantees that our imagination, diligence and hard work will pay off, but good problem-solvers are able to concentrate on the job at hand and move toward their personal and professional goals without blueprints or guarantees of success.” “Ask for the help you need. There’s no shame in needing help—only in being too self-conscious, too self-protective, too proud or stubborn to ask for it. “Don’t ask for help you don’t need. Those of us who were taught as children to run to an adult whenever a problem arose, or encouraged in other ways to be helpless and dependent, may find ourselves automatically seeking help now when a problem arises—whether or not we really need it. “Resist the temptation. Asking for assistance before we’ve honestly tried to solve a problem robs us of our dignity, self-respect and self-confidence—too high a price to pay. “ “Respect the process—not just it’s outcome. Never discount a learning experience just because you didn’t get an A+ on the test.” “Regardless of whether you’ve been completely successful at solving any problem, working on it almost certainly has gained you valuable experience and insight—good tools to bring with you the next time you have problem to solve!” "Finally, never hold the past over you own head. Learn what you can from your mistakes, give yourself credit for trying, then wipe the slate clean, quickly, and give yourself the same sympathy, understanding and encouragement that you’d gladly give to any friend.”

Also one thing we learn here is that he doesn't hold his liquor well. Next time such an event comes up and there is to be drinking involved, I would tell him, "I'm not going." Hey, back at ya, baby!!!! I wouldn't. I wouldn't go. That's why some people don't drink. Because it's disgusting. Because it lowers inhibitions and causes them to lash out at people, when ordinarily they wouldn't do that. That's why some people don't drink. It's disgusting. It causes people to be rude to those around them. If he can't hold his liquor, no way I'm going to put myself in the line of fire. Don't go. Let him cuss out somebody else. You can set your watch by what's going to happen. He's going to drink. He's going to be obnoxious, and there you are right beside him. Hey, take away the target. For behavior that he exhibited, and has the gall to tell you not to bring it up again, uh, oh. Hey, no... more.... Hey, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. He's fooled you once. The ball is in your court.

I would also like to add that I'm basically unsuccessful with relationships with anybody. (I will also say in my own defense, I'm at a stage of my life, where I don't have to be around a lot of people, I can do OK with my own interests, etc. Strangely enough, I've found what works for me is to hire someone to do chores and take me places for a few hours a day, a couple days a week, and I am very content with that. The dating thing, am I impressing her? I didn't do good with that. So, that's where I am.) I'm probably better at breaking people up than I am at keeping them together. So take that into consideration with my so-called advice. I have no such skills myself. Another thing I wanted to add was, there is another "saying" which I would like to add to the ones above, and that is, "The only person you have to defeat is the one you have to look at in the mirror every morning." I heard that many years ago. The point is, we're responsible for ourselves. We're responsible for dealing with our problems. No matter how much trouble someone else may cause us, we're responsible for how we deal with it. It comes back to us, not to the other person. The person who causes us the most problems in our life is ourselves. So I'm saying in a way, the problem is not his, it's one you have to figure out how to deal with it. I'm not saying I deal with my own problems very well, except that the above col. on being positive has helped me a great deal, I'm just saying, according to the quote above, it's how we handle problems, not what the problem is, might be one way to interpret it. From the positive col. above, I say to myself, "One problem at a time, and be positive about that problem."

Sounds like alcohol oiled the hinges to the door of his little Pandora's Box of resentments towards you (past? present?), making the door fly open and WHAMMO! : gross insult, gross disrespect, and gross public humiliation. All dealt spitefully and gleefully. He's certainly got a really mean and nasty streak in him, hasn't he. (Although, in reality, he showed no-one up but HIMSELF and any onlookers would have felt nothing but sorry for you.) And then it sounds like he couldn't handle the further flack and shame he and only he had created, ergo, it's "THIS'LL make you finally shut-up" time. Enter, gross insult RIGHT to the centre of the nerve (your, I'm betting, favourite parent). Only PRETTY normal since then? "I can't talk to him about it again because he said he didn't want to talk about it." Oh, really? Would he perhaps prefer to talk to a counsellor (or, failing that, a divorce solicitor) about it instead? It's that or you never feeling truly safe and secure around him again, isn't it - least of all in that sort of company - assuming it remains forever more an off-limits topic but which Machievellian, Passive-Aggressive gift-wise, just keeps giving and giving (and growing and growing thanks to it being deliberately left to keep giving and giving)? Or what about to the four walls of an empty bedroom after you go stay with your 'dreaded' dad (and mum) until such time as he remembers that if he wants you back sooner rather than later and that he darn well *has* to talk about it, this huge, never-ending trust-smashing spanner that he wantonly threw into your relationship - not least for the fact that if you're married YOU OWE YOUR SPOUSE THIS KIND OF EXPLANATION? I mean, what WAS that? A subtle threat of things to come - him trying it on with other women or merely pretending to in his endeavour to smash your confidence in yourself and your marriage and whole future? If he acted that heinously, solely and purely because he was p*ssed out of his head (yet somehow, strangely, still on his feet and capable of stringing coherent sentances together) then WHAT'S SO DIFFICULT TO APOLOGISE OVER? I rest my case. Assuming this wasn't the finale to some earlier fight just prior to this wedding wherein you'd (unwittingly or otherwise) been really nasty to him - don't take that kind of unconscionable treatment from any romantic partner, MUCHAREE. Anyway, the FACT that he purposefully 'brought his misdemeanour to your door' so to speak, added to his getting MORE nasty rather than less once you'd returned to the hotel room, makes me suspect that this was his very childish attempt to get you to pay him more attention, that he'd seen it that YOU were ignoring HIM (including making him jealous) at this bash (or perhaps some prior social occasion?), meaning, this was his way of evening the score. That would explain why his reaction in the room smacks somehow of a sense of gross injustice in him... which would mean, right sensitivity, oh-so-wrong way of dealing with it (should have just taken you quietly aside to state his complaint), equalling his having done nothing but add fat to the secretly already blazing fire and having no-one but himself to blame if he's the one to get burned. In other words, your husband has a very childish and emotionally dense/inept streak in him and should, now that he's a big, married boy, learn how to dare to be vulnerable in communicating his feelings in an honest, reasonable way, rather than cause *himself* yet more upset and hassle in the long run. After all, if you're feeling as bad as you say, he's going to lose alongside you without question. HOPEFULLY my explaining it all to you has helped you out of your 'rut', but if not, or if since you posted he still insists on not talking about it, then consult the above choices of action. Or just go cool and ignore him for as long as possible (this is warranted) until he cracks and does what's right. Whichever - as long as you *do* something.