I have lost all hope in life

I'm ashamed of life.I am embarrassed to even write this but I'm just so completely alone. I've lost hope in life and I Dont think I can do another day of my life. I am a prostitute, i never wanted this to be my life. I feel like I have no control over my life. I Dont want to do this , i am a young girl but I feel ancient and dead inside. Last night a client abused me and then took the condom off and came inside me. This happened at the parlor i work at. I feel like I've been raped every day over and over.. I see no end to this. I Dont see a way out. I desperately need a friend , a hug, to be treated like a human. I have no one .the only people around me see me as nothing but a bright neon $$$ dollar sign. All they care about is making money off of me. Like parasites. No one cares about how i feel or what i think. I repress myself and my feelings all the time. Its the only way i can survive. I do not touch drugs like most of the other girls. Yet my mind is breaking. I Dont think I can take another day of this life. I pray for death, for a release. I'm so lost in this world and I have so much pain in my heart. I just wish I had someone on this earth who loved me.I Dont know what to do .. I am sorry if you read this far because i am just rambling and i Dont really have a question. I just wanted to tell someone that i think my spirit is dying and I Dont know what to do

That's the worst feeling, and I talk from experience, I was you 11 years ago. You can get passed this, I now have 2 beautiful daughters, a somewhat healty relationship, a good job, all it took was a little push, a little effort. I totally understand how you feel and it really pains me to read it because no one should ever feel that way, I got out of it but the emotional scars are really hard to outrun. I want you to know that I don't know you but I care, if only one person had told me that, I would have had it so much easier. So I care and I'm really impressed with you for coming out like that and exposing how you feel, it took me a little over 3 years after the fact before I could talk about it. So I might have never seen you but I feel for you. Courage, it will get better I am certain of it , you can make it, you can take back your life.

Thankyou so much for ur reply Mary . it means so much to me. Thank you for caring and giving encouraging words. I will use your words to give me strength to imagine a better future. Thank you <3

It has been my pleasure. I truly hope you will get past this and I'm sure you are going to be so happy in a near future, you deserve it.

(First, how did you get access to a computer to write to this website?) (2nd, you wrote: “I just wish I had someone on this earth who loved me.I Dont know what to do .. I am sorry if you read this far because i am just rambling and i Dont really have a question. I just wanted to tell someone that i think my spirit is dying and I Dont know what to do” (Would you please write us back and let us know how you are doing? We do care about you.) _____________________ Well, it’s good that you reached out. That shows strength right there. You write: “i am a young girl.” So we know your approximate age. You add, “Last night a customer abused me.” You noted, “i never wanted this to be my life” So, that shows you’re down. There are some “inspirational sayings” for times in people’s lives like that. Here’s one, for people who are down: “-- Falling down is how we grow. Staying down is how we die. --Brian Vaszily So, we’re down, but we don’t want to stay down. We want to get back up. And you are the first building block for that, because you reached out for help. Not anybody else, but you, for you reached out for help. Nobody came along and reached out for help for you, you did that. Everything else is just building block on top of your building block. You are the main force here. Everybody else is just tag-alongs behind your strength, your strength is you don’t want to continue on like you are. Everything else depends upon your saying that. If you don’t want to improve, nothing or nobody else matters. So, as the saying above goes, you have fallen down. You learned by that. But, as the saying above says, that’s how we learn. We learn we don’t want to do that again. So what you’re going through is a learning experience. You don’t like what’s going on. It hurts. You're hurt. We’re going to use that hurt, and your strength, to try and stop this. So what does the rest of the saying say? It says, “Staying down is how we die.” We don’t want to do that because that’s even worse. We want to get up. You’ve already shown that. How do we get up. First, we have a desire to get up, another one of your strengths. Notice, we’re all building on your strengths. We have done anything yet. Here’s another saying: “The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity.” –Amelia Earhart So, in a way, you’ve done the most difficult part. You’ve already decided you don’t like being down. You’ve already said, “i never wanted this to be my life” You don’t like where you are. You’ve made that decision. As Amelia Earhart said above, “The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity.” So you’ve decided you don’t like being down. That’s the first step up, or, as the saying above that one said, “-- Falling down is how we grow.” You’ve already grown. You fell down and you didn’t like it. Again, your strength, nobody else’s. Then the same saying adds, “Staying down is how we die.” Uh, oh, we don’t want to do that. So Amelia Earhart says, “The most difficult thing is the decision to act” You’ve decided to act. Well, in a way you haven’t, you’ve just decided you don’t like being down, but in a way that is a decision. You’ve decided you don’t like being down. Then Amelia says, “the rest is merely tenacity.” Just keep deciding you don’t like being down. Then, another saying, “Men shall be tried when the road divides, and proved by the choice they make.” So, then the next decision is, “What actions are we going to take to help us improve our chances of getting out of the place we don’t like?” Well, first, before making any decisions, we need some help in making decisions in the first place. We need something which in a way has nothing to do with decisions. We need to be positive that the decisions we make have a reasonable chance of being successful. How in the world do we do that? I didn’t know, either, until I stumbled upon a column in the newspaper which gave me a blueprint on how to do that, how to be positive that we can reach our goals. And your goal is get out of where you are. All we need now is, is for us to be positive that that can happen. How are we going to learn how to be positive that we can reach our goals? Niki is going to show us. Niki Scott that is. Niki Scott is the woman who wrote the column that was in the newspaper which encouraged people, including me, to first be positive that we can solve a problem, before even attempting to solve the problem. What if the biggest part of the problem was not the problem but us? As in a saying which I also like which says, “The person you have to defeat is the person you have to look at in the mirror every morning.” The problem is not the problem. The problem is ourselves. Or, The problem is not the problem, the problem is our mental attitude that we have going into a problem. (For instance, the mental attitude of, “I can’t solve this problem.” And if that attitude is in our unconscious, like it was in mine before I read the column, then we can’t see it, and we don’t even know it’s there, and we have no way of conquering that, for we don’t know it’s there, for our uncon. Is hidden from use. But by reading the below column on being positive prior to going into a problem, we get a clue of what we need to do next time we have a problem to solve: be positive that we can solve it. Don’t let our uncon. get away with turning down every idea that con. comes up with for solving our next problem. And we can do that by reading the col. on being positive, before we even think about trying to solve our next problem. What helps me now is to say several times, “Think positive, think positive…” prior to thinking about the problem, as I try to clean the neg. out of my unconscious. OK, so you, you’re thinking of one solution to get out of your situation. Don’t let your neg. uncon. Say, “That won’t work because….” That is it right there. Your neg. uncon., which you learned as a child, is keeping you down by downgrading every idea you come up with to get up. That’s what you need to defeat. That second voice (your uncon.) which is attacking your con. thoughts, which want to solve the problem, so you’re coming up with: plus 5, minus 5 equals 0. Take away the minus 5, which is your neg. uncon., by reading the col. on being positive, and saying “Think positive, think positive….” Several times as you think of a solution. Then all that’s left is “plus 5 equals a solution.” Now I know there are practical problems to his, such as, where to stay, where to get the money to stay. I know they’re going to be tough. I know there will be times when you will get down. But there is also a good chance you can make it through these problems. One suggestion I might have is to look around your city for temporary free housing and food kitchens. You’re not on drugs so that’s a great plus. Employment, things like that. Here below is the col. on being positive and some more sayings. Please let us know how you are doing. ________________________________ Here’s what the col. says on being positive going into a problem: by Niki Scott June 21, 1994 “We all know people who race around in small, futile circles whenever they’re present with a problem to solve, and others who seem to be natural-born problem solvers—able to tackle obstacles, calmly, logically and effectively. “Fortunately, being a good problem-solver is not a genetic trait. It’s a learned skill, one that can be learned at any age. If you want to improve your problem-solving skills, here are 10 steps that will help: "The three most important things of a good problem solver are attitude, attitude, and attitude. If you think of obstacles as anxiety-producers and unfair burdens, you almost certainly aren't an effective problem solver." “If you view obstacles as opportunities to gather new information, stretch your imagination, learn new coping mechanisms and achieve more control over your life on the other hand, you’re probably a problem-solving whiz.” “Be an optimist. If your general outlook is pessimistic, you’re probably not a good problem solver. Facing every puzzle with the assumption that it’s probably unsolvable practically insures that it will be.” “Happily, changing from a pessimist to an optimistic frame of mind isn’t as difficult was it might sound. Pessimism isn’t a genetic trait, either. It’s a habit of thought we learned as children—and can unlearn as adults.” “Keep an open mind. Most problems have not just one solution, but many—and sometimes the best ones sound far-fetched or even bizarre at first.” “Be flexible. Force yourself to give up old, outmoded ways of thinking or acting even though they’re comfortable. Experiment with new ways of thinking and acting, and you’ll be surprised by how quickly THEY become comfortable.” “Believe in yourself—no matter what. If you believe you’ll be able to solve a problem, your chances of solving it double. Review your past successes—frequently!” “Take one step at a time. We all want guarantees that our imagination, diligence and hard work will pay off, but good problem-solvers are able to concentrate on the job at hand and move toward their personal and professional goals without blueprints or guarantees of success.” “Ask for the help you need. There’s no shame in needing help—only in being too self-conscious, too self-protective, too proud or stubborn to ask for it. “Don’t ask for help you don’t need. Those of us who were taught as children to run to an adult whenever a problem arose, or encouraged in other ways to be helpless and dependent, may find ourselves automatically seeking help now when a problem arises—whether or not we really need it. “Resist the temptation. Asking for assistance before we’ve honestly tried to solve a problem robs us of our dignity, self-respect and self-confidence—too high a price to pay. “ “Respect the process—not just it’s outcome. Never discount a learning experience just because you didn’t get an A+ on the test.” “Regardless of whether you’ve been completely successful at solving any problem, working on it almost certainly has gained you valuable experience and insight—good tools to bring with you the next time you have problem to solve!” 'Finally, never hold the past over you own head. Learn what you can from your mistakes, give yourself credit for trying, then wipe the slate clean, quickly, and give yourself the same sympathy, understanding and encouragement that you’d gladly give to any friend.”  __“And you’ll find that you’ll recover from fate’s hardest slam, if you never say die, say damn.” Your Present Situation is Not Your Final Destination by Kevin Ngo -- Falling down is how we grow. Staying down is how we die. --Brian Vaszily If you’re going through hell, keep going – Winston Churchill 19. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing – Helen Keller. “I shall pass through this world but once. If therefore, there be any good thing I can do, or any kindness I can show, let me do it now. Don’t let me defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.” The person you have to defeat is the person you have to look at in the mirror every morning. The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now. –Chinese Proverb -- I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions. –Stephen Covey The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. –Amelia Earhart “If not this, what? If not us, who? If not now, when?” ~ Kennedy, John F. ~ --Ships are safe in the harbor, but that’s not what they’re made for. I’ve developed a new philosophy. I only dread one day at a time – Charlie Brown "You'll Never Walk Alone" [Verse] When you walk through the storm Hold your head up high And don't be afraid of the dark At the end of the storm is a golden sky And the sweet silver song of the lark [Chorus] Walk on, through the wind Walk on, through the rain Though your dreams be tossed and blown Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart And you'll never walk alone You'll never walk alone [Verse] [Chorus] Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart And you'll never walk alone You'll never walk, you'll never walk alone

It sounds like you have really been through some tough stuff. I feel for you. I know that situations like this are often very hard, and sometimes dangerous, to get out of, but there is always a way. I believe there are organisations that help women get out of prostitution, and give them shelter and support. Maybe there is one near you? I have been in situations in my own life where I thought there was no way I could get out alive, but I did, and I thought I could never be loved and happy, but I am. I look back on who I was when I was trapped and ashamed, and now have sympathy for the person I was. You need to find some love and kindness in your heart for yourself. Try not to feel ashamed or embarrassed. It's the client last night who abused you who should be feeling ashamed. The less self-worth you feel, the harder it will be for you to escape your situation. Don't give up hope, girl. There is a hug out there waiting for you somewhere.

(First, how did you get access to a computer to write to this website?) -umm i Dont understand what you mean? I live in Australia and we all have smart phones ... So yeah

Thank you oobiedoobe. I think u understand a bit of how my situation is. Im scared but I will take your advice and be looking for some support agency tomorrow and I will keep everyone posted . thank you for giving a shit <3

Pjvl9 thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. I really like the sayings especially the one about falling down is how we grow but staying down is how we die. This makes so much sense to me right now. I feel like I am at a crossroads and I want you all to know that you could not imagine that your words on a website to a stranger (me) could mean so much. I Dont know you people but I am so glad i made this post.. Your replys are like a light in the darkness

You're not alone. We are on your side. It's good that you're reaching out to people here. You need to be in contact with people who care, and not people who are using you to make money. It's also good that you've stayed away from the drugs, because that would make your situation so much harder to get out of. Try and get your feelings down in a diary if you have no one to talk to. Bottling feelings up can make a person feel really desperate. One day you will be able to turn your experiences into strengths. Do keep us posted.

I am now safe. Thanks to the help of a client and the local police. I was so scared but I knew i had to get out and making that post helped me by hearing outside views and you all have helped me that i can reach out without being ashamed. The police were so amazing to me. I thought they would treat me like shit but they truley were angels. I just broke down and cried and the officer just held me and i felt so safe. Right now i am in a women's refuge. I have no idea what will come next for me but right now I just want to sleep and sleep and eat and enjoy the luxury of feeling safe. <3 thanks everyone

That's amazing! Thanks for the update - I was actually getting quite concerned for you. So happy that you are safe, and in the hands of compassionate people. You made a good brave move there. Rest up and look after yourself.

What I meant by, "how did you get access to a computer?" was, I didn't know if you lived in a small room in the place where you worked, and if you did, did you have a computer? I didn't know if you used a computer at a public library, and if so, could you connect with a website like this? The place you described where you worked sounded so rough, I didn't know if you left the grounds of that place where you worked, and then came willingly back to work the next day or what? If it was that rough, I was thinking, why would you leave your apartment and come back to work the next day? Why didn't you just not show up for work and get out of there? That's what I meant by, do you have access to a computer? Your story sounds interesting. How did you get away from that? Why don't you tell us? What did the client do to help? I have fantasies about helping someone in that situation. What a story. You've made a lot of peoples' day. Thanks for writing back and letting us know what happened. You've helped us more than we helped you. Your story and your results are the best I've ever seen on this website.

(What I meant by, "how did you get access to a computer?" was, I didn't know if you lived in a small room in the place where you worked, and if you did, did you have a computer?) **OK i get what you mean now i.. Wasn't sure if i wanted to go into the details but I will try to get it out even though its complicated. The place you described where you worked sounded so rough, I didn't know if you left the grounds of that place where you worked, and then came willingly back to work the next day or what? If it was that rough, I was thinking, why would you leave your apartment and come back to work the next day? Why didn't you just not show up for work and get out of there? **I totally get why this doesn't make sence. A lot of people are groomed into the industry.. Imagine , u are young and alone .. Someone spots you..an expert predator. They are also youngish and they charm you, they get heavily involved in your life.. Make u trust them.. B4 u know it they have 'helped' u so much by finding u somewhere to live and offering u a job. The place u live is owned by them.. Its a share house full of girls, the rent is astronomical and more than u agreed to. Then the job turns out to be in a bar NOT a cafe... Worse you are told its topless waitressing when u arrive for your first shift. Your not happy but you will get kicked out of your home if u Dont and loose or new friend who is all u have .. Well its only topless u think at least I've got a job and somewhere to live.. Right. Then they tell u that u need a car and that u would be stupid not to buy one off them.. These people own clubs bars used car dealerships and god knows what else .. A massive guy who is related to our 'friend ' insists on walking u through the car lot and pressures u to choose a car. U choose the cheapest car u can spot and u know in your guts that u are in trouble. He makes plan with u to pay off the car. The bar boss now wont pay you but puts your earnings away in a safe for your 'car payments' he lets u keep 20 bucks from ur tips each night. Your being driven to and from work by a 'driver' who is also a relative of these people. They are all related and i really Dont want to mention what race they were as i am not rasist but they were all middle eastern .. I was terrified at this point its hard to describe why i didn't just run straight up.. It was like i was not able to think properly. Well my shifts were cut right back at the bar.. They did that on purpose and made up bull shit reasons and 'u owe us rent.u owe car payments'we have somewhere else for u to work' that's when i was picked up from home and driven to the brothel. When i walked in and realised where i was i freaked out.. I kept saying no no no no way.. I went to walk out and the manager of the brothel grabbed my arm and slapped my face hard YOU OWE US ... Sorry i have to stop now i cant relive it right now its too much. u said u have fantasy of helping someone in that situation then i believe u should try to help someone.. Be an angel to someone

Just to clarify.. U Dont ever get to even sit in the car and also all your money is kept from you. So basically you are being kept broke and isolated and fearing for your safety. Threats are made constantly, subtly and outright. Its like living in a Stephen King book and i would not wish it on anybody. I worry that i have been left permanently mentally damaged after all this . i know i am not the same person. The client helped by listening to me and taking action even though i must have looked and sounded insane, i waa hysterical at that point like i just couldnt control my emotions at all..and he took a huge risk by sneaking out of a fire door with me straight into his car and driving me to the police station. He dropped me out the front and took off.. he did not want to be involved with the police part and i don't blame him. I think he was as scared as i was ..

Still the greatest story I've ever heard. Thank you for sharing it. You went into the pit of depravity which was your life, and told it as it was. It was great that you got out. Of course, finances could still be a problem, so I don't guess it's over yet. What is your job situation? How do make it from day to day? What can someone do to help someone in that situation? That client sounded like a brave soul. Whew, that was heroic. Did the police do anything? Is there anything you can do to help the females who are still back there? Where do they get these females from, from off the street? Should women be warned, get off the street. Did anyone warn you, you keep walking up and down this street, you could be in trouble? We have the same situation in the U.S. Girls run away from home and go to big cities, and it's a race between people trying to help them and the bad element trying to hurt them. What a story. What does your future look like? Are you able to get connected with a relative or good friend to stay with? I've had situations where I wondered if I was going to pull out of it, so it is a concern. Can you get counseling?