Trust issues

My husband talks to his ex's. In the beginning of our relationship, we would clearly lay out on the table what was to be expected and what was not acceptable. However, after getting married I discovered that he was trying to reach out to his ex's. I confronted him and he felt there was nothing wrong with it as they are all just "friends". We live in another state however, I feel disrespected and lied to. I asked him when we were dating that if he was one of those men who had women as firneds, and he said no. I said good because I have a problem with that and I won't deal with it. So, its not like I lied to him and said yea sure no problem. He has WhatsApp and tango. I was able to get a hold of his phone and come to find that he has 3 of his ex's on there. I feel that it's a waste of my time to confront him because I'll get the same response as I did in the past. I've already busted him 4 x's with 2 of them. He doesn't speak to one of them anymore because it got uggly when I contacted her. I also contacted the other one...I made it also clear to him in the beginning that I didn't want to deal with drama nor be in one of those non- trusting relationships. But, it looks like I ended up there anyway.

He's only been married once over 20 years ago. These are ex girlfriends. Doesn't have anymore kids. I don't know what the conversations are about because he doesn't call or text aroung me; plus, he uses WhatsApp and tango. I know he loves me however, he feels its not cheating. I don't know what to do I feel betrayed, and destroyed. My heart is just broken into pieces...we started our relationship with a lot of communication hours on the phone getting everything out so we would both know what to expect and then this. I feel like I want him to feel my pain and heartache.

He doesn't know that I'm aware.. I took his phone and looked at the contacts and saw them. Obviously, he talks to them. I want him to understand that he can lose me...I just don't know how to go about it.

I don't really know what the deal is, but I did see a Simon and Garfunkle concert on TV a few weeks ago, and they played one of their songs from about 1970 that was titled, "50 Ways To Leave Your Lover." So when you write, "I want him to understand that he can lose me...I just don't know how to go about it." The above song said about leaving your lover: "Just slip out the back, Jack. "Just jump on the bus, Gus. "Don't be coy, Roy." Oh, I now see, what you want to tell him is that he could lose you over this. Oh, OK. I don't know how you tell him, either. I have read a column on being positive when trying to solve a problem, that I could put on the next post below this one. It's helped me solve problems, and maybe you can benefit from it.

As noted in the last post above: Here below is the column on being positive, that has helped me. Unconsciously, I was negative and didn't know it because it was in my uncon., but for some reason I had difficulty solving problems. When I came across this col. below, on being positive going into a problem, I knew what my problem had been: con., I wanted to solve the problem, but uncon., I was neg., and until the 2 parts of my brain could work together, I wasn't going to solve a lot of problems. This col. helped me to train my uncon. to be positive. Prior to my next problem, I said to myself, just read this col. first. The problem is not the problem. The problem is your uncon. neg. So I read the col. first, and by the time I got to the 4th paragraph, I had solved the problem, by first clearing my uncon. of neg. When away from the col., and I had a problem, I would say to myself, "Think positive, think positive...." again, trying to clear the neg. from my uncon. Here's the col. below. ___________________________________________________ by Niki Scott June 21, 1994 “We all know people who race around in small, futile circles whenever they’re presented with a problem to solve, and others who seem to be natural-born problem solvers—able to tackle obstacles, calmly, logically and effectively. “Fortunately, being a good problem-solver is not a genetic trait. It’s a learned skill, one that can be learned at any age. If you want to improve your problem-solving skills, here are 10 steps that will help: "The three most important things of a good problem solver are attitude, attitude, and attitude. If you think of obstacles as anxiety-producers and unfair burdens, you almost certainly aren't an effective problem solver." “If you view obstacles as opportunities to gather new information, stretch your imagination, learn new coping mechanisms and achieve more control over your life on the other hand, you’re probably a problem-solving whiz.” “Be an optimist. If your general outlook is pessimistic, you’re probably not a good problem solver. Facing every puzzle with the assumption that it’s probably unsolvable practically insures that it will be.” “Happily, changing from a pessimist to an optimistic frame of mind isn’t as difficult was it might sound. Pessimism isn’t a genetic trait, either. It’s a habit of thought we learned as children—and can unlearn as adults.” “Keep an open mind. Most problems have not just one solution, but many—and sometimes the best ones sound far-fetched or even bizarre at first.” “Be flexible. Force yourself to give up old, outmoded ways of thinking or acting even though they’re comfortable. Experiment with new ways of thinking and acting, and you’ll be surprised by how quickly THEY become comfortable.” “Believe in yourself—no matter what. If you believe you’ll be able to solve a problem, your chances of solving it double. Review your past successes—frequently!” “Take one step at a time. We all want guarantees that our imagination, diligence and hard work will pay off, but good problem-solvers are able to concentrate on the job at hand and move toward their personal and professional goals without blueprints or guarantees of success.” “Ask for the help you need. There’s no shame in needing help—only in being too self-conscious, too self-protective, too proud or stubborn to ask for it. “Don’t ask for help you don’t need. Those of us who were taught as children to run to an adult whenever a problem arose, or encouraged in other ways to be helpless and dependent, may find ourselves automatically seeking help now when a problem arises—whether or not we really need it. “Resist the temptation. Asking for assistance before we’ve honestly tried to solve a problem robs us of our dignity, self-respect and self-confidence—too high a price to pay. “ “Respect the process—not just it’s outcome. Never discount a learning experience just because you didn’t get an A+ on the test.” “Regardless of whether you’ve been completely successful at solving any problem, working on it almost certainly has gained you valuable experience and insight—good tools to bring with you the next time you have problem to solve!” “Finally, never hold the past over you own head. Learn what you can from your mistakes, give yourself credit for trying, then wipe the slate clean, quickly, and give yourself the same sympathy, understanding and encouragement that you’d gladly give to any friend.”

"I don't know what to do I feel betrayed, and destroyed. My heart is just broken into pieces...we started our relationship with a lot of communication hours on the phone getting everything out so we would both know what to expect and then this." [a] You woz CONNED, luv! [b] He WANTED back then to adhere to those pre-discussed contractual terms and conditions but then, once out of the "best foot forward" period known as Honeymoon, found he no longer could/wanted to, meaning, You woz (indirectly) CONNED, luv! (i.e. he conned himself first, hence you into the bargain). You don't NEED to know what the conversations are about. It's enough that you MADE IT CLEAR, RIGHT FROM THE START where and what your personal boundaries were, whether or NOT you might share those with X-many others. AND HE AGREED...SIGNED ON THE DOTTED LINE...THEREBY COMMITTING HIMSELF TO THOSE RULES OF RELATIONSHIP CONDUCT, BERBOM.... meaning, he's broken the contract (it ain't Lego, you can't pull off the little pieces you don't like).... meaning, the contract has been nullified ergo no longer exists. He's already dumped himself. But he doesn't want to do the WORK of a dumped man - specifically, being girlfriend-less (and sex-less) for a while. So his convenience- and comfort-loving physical self stays happily put whilst his emotional self goes a-looking for a potential replacement girlfriend... and not even that secretly if you know about it all, like you do. Why has he left this trail of breadcrumbs? Answer: He [a] just doesn't care enough about the thought of losing you or [b] no longer BELIEVES what you once said, about not wanting any of that nonsense and ever-ready to walk permanently away from it (and its source, i.e. him), thus thinks he can have his cake and eat it. You said, 'Ever do this and you're out'. 'This' meant, ever act like he's single and available by talking to other prospective suitors. Trouble is (- shouldn't be a trouble, but is when dealing with an extra-sneaky, low-morals merchant like he sounds), you added the exception of female FRIENDS. So with him either wanting to be in CONTROL of exactly when he trades you in, or in control against your ever feeling like you have the grounds to FIRE his a*se (for gross misconduct) - he's trying to get around the contract by convincing you that these 'recycleable' exes are really just "(cough!) FRIENDS". Exes are EXES. "Just friends" are JUST friends, i.e. weren't ever exes (nor will become ones one day). Hence, by the laws of pure logic and reasonable-ness (aka Not Being a Try-It-On THICKIE), these EXES are not "friends", let alone "just" friends. If he PERSISTS in claiming not to be able to appreciate the difference between the two then I suggest what he needs is a first-hand taste of BEING an ex - yours - followed by scratching his poor little head over why you thereafter refuse to be his "just friend". Whether he genuinely is secretly gearing up to replace you or is just happy for you to get the horrid SUSPICION he is - to make you feel you're on shaky ground thus non-liable to ever dare assert yourself, your needs, demands and instead start bleating, 'Yes Sir, No Sir, three bags-ful, Sir and anything ELSE Sir would like to get his way over' - makes zero difference (other than the emotional manipulation factor). He's still being an underhanded, selfish, self-serving, unfair git. You need to tell him (and believe it) you can't continue the relationship, thanks to his having made it intolerable for you.... which is what you should have done the very FIRST time he broke those conditions of the contract. If his reaction to that, subsequently, is to want to save your relationship by promising to CEASE all such untoward activity (with transparency-centred mechanisms put in place for allowing you to randomly check, for replacement reassurance/re-building trust purposes), then, apparently, he's a big enough boy to know to do that, and how. People treat you as well or badly as you LET them. But I know it's easier said than done once you've attached to where feels like the point of no return. That's why in order to be good to yourself in the longer run (including self-protection), you have to be very hard on yourself in the present. I'm afraid the relationship isn't much cop, anyway... not by healthier standards - because you shouldn't ever HAVE to self-protect to that degree. Sadly, however, when saddled to the wrong horse - you do. And, for whatever reasons, this horse has wandered onto the thin end of the wedge called, cheating on you. Sorry. ...Or is what you're actually saying, you don't know how to confront him over it, given that it necessitates you confessing about having "snooped" in his phone?

I really do not believe he's looking for a replacement. I did blow up recently and mentioned without explaining if things are going to change then, there is the door as he can leave because I did not need this crap. Again, we live in another state and he's been broken up with them for quite some time. He just wants to be able to contact them and I'm sure the conversations are not completely innocent. (Just trying to be real)...however, the man consistently tells me where he's at and I do not see any behavioral changes such as appearance or dress etc. And yes, I'm not sure how to go about confronting him because he doesn't know that I went through his phone. Plus, it would be a complete waste of time for me to do so anyway. I feel like he should have a dose of his own medicine... Or I can call one of the ex girlfriends and hope she'll be honest... Which she probably won't be. So, again, I want him to know what I know and feel.perhaps, a letter or leaving my journal accessible?? Idk.

Maybe he's not looking for a replacement right this minute (nor seeing anyone in the flesh), but, whether or NOT he tells himself (and you) how they're just friends and how he just likes to chat with them, yadder-yadder, it's the overall ACTION that you have pay attention to, not his mouth. The action shows he could be busy thinking ahead, keeping all these women's lilypads close to yours and his. And the nature is, when men find themselves suddenly single again, a lot of them consult their 'little black book' of existing contacts first, rather than waste time trying to nurture a relationship 'from cold'. The saying on that score is, No man flees the nest unless he has another to go to. So why this behaviour? Because he wants to keep them close enough to jump to if need be?... because he thinks you're nearing the point where YOU might want to split up (and doesn't want to find himself single and shelling out for a flat), and/or can see himself wanting to get out (because he's unrealistic and has somehow convinced himself there's some ideal woman out there with whom he'd never, ever experience arguments, whose lilypad whereabouts he doesn't yet know but to which he's willing to take a shuttle-bus pad)?... or because he wants you feeling threatened and insecure (either to make you cling reassurance-seekingly tighter or toe his line)? Or maybe even because in arguments or through your attitude you tell him no other woman would want him and his action puts you straight in a middle-fingered way? You tell me. Why would he need to keep these exes constantly warmed-up and waiting on the side (or appearing that way to you)? And you tell me if you really, truly believe he wouldn't have got to hear about you having warned off a couple of them? ...in which case, how strange he didn't introduce a mobile phone password ("things that make you go, HMMM"). Here's a Scooby Clue: "I asked him when we were dating that if he was one of those men who had women as firneds, and he said no. I said good because I have a problem with that and I won't deal with it." You drew him a map of where one of your Achilles Heels was located. He believed that part and noted it for future ref. But I don't think he believed the bit about you finding it an instant dealbreaker... since when, you've proved him right on that score, haven't you. So this is him feeling he has carte blanche to keep flicking it. So you say you want him to realise he could lose you. But so far, you've behaved in ways that say, No you won't. He thinks your patience and tolerance has no limit: "If" *you* don't want our relationship any more, here's the door..which YOU can decide to walk out through (you've said). It should be, If *I* don't see you cease all such activity within one week, *I'll* be telling you to leave as I make my own way to the nearest divorce solicitor. But you can't give him a deadline and thereby prove your threat real, can you. Because you don't want to have to confess that you looked in his phone. [1] Needs must, and [2] I really don't think looking in the phone of the man whose (courtesy of being your husband) ENTIRE LIFE is supposed to be laid bare or at least made accessibly privy to you should you ever want/need to look, is any great shakes compared to the way HE'S behaving. Do you? Your "dealbreaker" behaviour seems to be less about reaching the end of your tether and more about PRESERVING the relationship (if not the love) - by warning other potential competitors to stay away (first, finding their numbers). If you didn't want the relationship any more you'd say, Help yerself, luv, be my guest, take him off my hands! The truth is you do want the relationship, but like "this", not like "that". But he REFUSES to make it like "this" (his saying they're just friends basically translating merely to NO, SHAN'T AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME)....meaning, all you've got left is this: You need to give him a proper, serious ultimatum based on whatever timeframe you feel is reasonable within which to email/text each of these women in succession to say, 'I'm afraid I've recently had it dawn on me that as a married man it is altogether highly inappropriate for me to continue corresponding with you...so sorry, have a nice life'. Plus, you don't even NEED to prove to him how you know. "I just do. For a FACT. So just know that I can check up afterwards to see whether you've actually done it, as well". You know he is in contact with recycleable exes for a fact. So that means HE knows he is, too, and that you can't be lying. Better that he DOESN'T know your method for having found out. Because that way he might not be so stupid as to try to sneakily retain one or two of them via some or other method. Anyway, even if he went around CLOSING all of those potential observational windows of yours, the act of his not wanting you to check THAT HE'S NEWLY SQUEAKY-CLEAN would put paid to any claims of innocence of his anyway (think about it). You'd think, if you've ceased and are now innocent then, never mind willing, why aren't you gagging to prove it? Or you just say this: That's right! I looked through your phone!...'n stuff. Because I don't trust you! And now I see WHY I don't trust you. Only if he DOES this do you then take the next step, courtesy of couples counselling, of finding out WHY he thought that behaviour was a brilliant idea. There is no point in attending counselling whilst he's still doing it or he can just lie to the counsellor as well.