Used and abused for five years

I've been having a really hard time coping with the aftermath of my break up to a horribly abusive man. I feel like I was asleep for five years and only just woke up to the reality of how I'd been living. I fell deeply in love with a man I met in 2011... things went very fast and we moved in together after a few months. Things were good at first, but the red flags came very quickly. I went through a lot but I found out early on that he was a pathological liar, thief and deadbeat father. He physically assaulted me, used me for money, abandoned me while I was pregnant (I secretly had an abortion and later took him back), constantly tricked me and manipulated me, threw other women in my face, etc. I kept all of this a secret from my family and his. This behavior continued the entire relationship until a few months ago when it was clear he had moved on and was done with me. I left my own house and waited for him to move out (which he did). But the past few months have been horrific for me. I finally woke up and was able to see that he was just using me the whole time. I'm very glad to be done with him but the shame and anger I feel with myself is overwhelming. I had somehow convinced myself that he loved me and we were best friends despite it all. There is a dark cloud of pain, anger and humiliation with me 24/7 and I don't know how to make sense of what I did. I may only have 5 years more to have children and I'm disgusted that I wasted 5 long years with such an evil person. Thank you for listening. Any advice?

Firstly let me just say well done you for finding the courage and strength to leave such a toxic relationship and see the light at the end of the tunnel. Now comes the hardest part, staying in that light. i wont tell u i know how u feel iv been through similar events myself but truth is we all feel differently going through them. For u to have a secret abortion tho shud tell u that this is not the man u want to have a child with ever dont worry about your biological clock ever that clock only stops when u decide to stop it concentrate on u for now. I admire ur courage and that strenght inside of u should tell u u have the strength to do anything so go do it xx

:(:( oh boy can I ever relate to you my dear. I read your story and felt as if I was reading my own. When I finally left that relationship I felt the same as you like omg I felt like I had been asleep for 12 years. I'm glad that your out of it but now you've got to heal yourself baby girl. You need to take some time to work through and process what you've been through. It has taken me 4 years to walk through my pain. Don't put the focus on what u feel u have wasted and how many years u feel u have left to have babies. You have so many great things ahead of u and I know right now it may be hard to see but things happen for a reason. I've found that because of the things ive been through that I now have a greater vision and am able to help others who have been through what I have. There's someone great out there for u you'll see. Right now just work on u. Your in my heart and my prayers. Keep being a strong woman.