Lost so lost

So I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years now about 6 months ago we moved in together. When he moved in he said he'd help with bills witch he should as a man anyways I'm a student and live off of student loans right now and I pay 100℅ of the rent plus my other bills. When he moved in he got a car and now has a car payment so he says he's always broke and doesn't have the money to help me with bills but then he will plan trips with his friend to go fishing and recently he went fishing for a week and when I get my student loans im always buying him fishing stuff cuz I just want to see him happy and to make him smile. I was a single mom when I met him and so I thought when he moved in we'd be more like a team you know and that things would be easier for me. Whenever I get mad because he goes on fishing trips with his friend he gets mad at me and says I make him feel fearful and trapped and that he feels like he can't go anywhere without me being mad. It's not like I care where he goes I just get upset because I pay everything and think if he has money to do that then he should help me with bills. I feel like he has his priorities backwards. Idk maybe I'm looking at this all wrong. I've expressed my feelings multiple times but nothing ever changes. Maybe I'm the one who's in the wrong idk. I just didn't want to still feel like a single mother and I still feel that way I struggle and am always broke I never have money to just go buy something I want or to just go somewhere I want to go cuz all my money goes to bills. I just don't understand why he can't see that this is wrong. When 100$ a month would help to at least pay the power or gas or something. Other than this he does treat me well. He has never once yelled at me and treats me like a princess when he's home. I find myself being mean to him all the time because of this. He says to me last night if u ever need help paying bills just say something and I can work something out with my other bills. But I don't think I should have to ask or feel like I'm going to mess his bills up because he's helping me. I feel like he should just help without having to be asked. I feel so unappreciated. I mean for real his life is just stress free he doesn't have to pay rent or anything to live here. How would that freaking be?? Then he says the other day I'm not going to have the money to buy anyone a Christmas present this year and I was just thinking why??? You make 10$ an hour granted he only works part time but really?? If ur not making enough money to help me maybe it's time to find another job so u can help me. He should be helping me right??? I'm so confused. So so so confused. I kind of feel a bit walked on.

Hi MissJoni. This is my first time replying on this site, so here goes. There are a couple of things wrong with this picture. The first is that you guys are NOT married. Therefore, this situation plays out differently. He is not obligated to do anything. However, I do agree that if someone is living with another person minus young children, they should contribute. I honestly think you were taught how to receive a man. You clearly need to understand a guy. You are not this man's mother. That's the last thing a guy wants. I bet you that you a go the extra mile with your complaints to where it sounds like nagging. I'm not faulting you, but listen to what he is saying. He feels trapped. He doesn't like you scolding him. You seem very giving which reminds me of my mother who expects the same degree in return from people she has love relationships with children husband etc. you will run into trouble this way, because you'll be setting the bar too high getting your hopes up. Ultimately, you have a good guy. Consider yourself blessed. I mean you have children that he's helping with. I think you should have a serious conversation. Sit him down and say I need your help with rent (don't mention his fish trips) Put your foot down and say that you can't live here if you don't put some money into this place if its yours or he's not on the lease. Men are basic creatures. Don't test them and see what they'll do. Which leads me to the point that ultimately it's about you. Which is ok and I understand the single mom struggle. But be honest. What I gather is you want to relax and do things. So that's what truly bothers you. Set aside days for yourself have home watch the kids. Go on dates. Now to wrap this up. Your man does sound lazy. He needs a better job. You guys sound like young people. This guy his having a life crisis and you probably don't even know. I mean have you even discussed marriage? I really think that instead of ranting like this, you should use less energy respectfully laying down some boundaries. You know what you signed for and if you want to be here for the long run and for the sale of your child or children learn to love and work things out cuz you're stuck with him. You seem like a nice girl who is doing well for herself. Stop stressing. Talk it out, and have fun once on a while. Be blessed, J.NOVA

Thank u j.nova for the advice. It helped ur right he doesn't need a mother and I should probably quit nagging so much. No we haven't talked about marriage. Sometimes he makes comments and says I really want to marry u I love u so much but that's about it. U said u thought we must be young lol no hes 35 and I am 34. And yes I do believe that I set the bar to high because I treat ppl so well that I really do expect the same in return. I idk I always felt that ppl should be that way.

I just worry sometimes that im doing something wrong or letting ppl walk on me. I was married to an abusive alcoholic for 12 years and I always did everything for him and although he was emotionally and physically abusive to me, I was still always loving, supportive and kind and I put up with a lot of shit. We've been away from each other for four years now but I know because of the things ive been through I tend to want to take care of ppl and I will try my dambdest to make them happy before my own self. I am very grateful to have a boyfriend that loves me unconditionally with my flaws and all I just get scared sometimes because of how I am that I will let ppl take advantage of me. I know sometimes I don't see things clearly witch is why I wrote this to get another person's view on it.

This guy is a 35 yr old freeloader aka: A User and has been using you from day one. What's to be confused about? At 34 you should know a looser when you see/live with one. Where was this freeloader living before he met you? As they say "Put your big girl panties on" and give him an ultimatum: 1) He will start contributing half the rent/half the utilities and half food expenses. If he's not able then he will have to leave by, whatever date you set. Are you really ready to stop being used? Or do you just want to vent and continue was you are? Your bar isn't high it's what is expected!! " Being grateful to have a boyfriend" He's the one that should be grateful that you put up with this for this long.. What happen to your need to be happy? You are still putting this guy needs, happiness above you and your needs, the same way you did in your 12 yr marriage. Stop the pretending that you don't know what to do, doing what you should do requires YOU to decide that you have a right to be HAPPY, don't settle for a grown up boy, who has no problem of you taking care of him- There is a difference between a grown up boy and a grown Man..

So I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years now about 6 months ago we moved in together. When he moved in he said he'd help with bills witch he should as a man anyways I'm a student and live off of student loans right now and I pay 100℅ of the rent plus my other bills. When he moved in he got a car and now has a car payment so he says he's always broke and doesn't have the money to help me with bills but then he will plan trips with his friend to go fishing and recently he went fishing for a week and when I get my student loans im always buying him fishing stuff cuz I just want to see him happy and to make him smile. I was a single mom when I met him and so I thought when he moved in we'd be more like a team you know and that things would be easier for me. Whenever I get mad because he goes on fishing trips with his friend he gets mad at me and says I make him feel fearful and trapped and that he feels like he can't go anywhere without me being mad. It's not like I care where he goes I just get upset because I pay everything and think if he has money to do that then he should help me with bills. I feel like he has his priorities backwards. Idk maybe I'm looking at this all wrong. I've expressed my feelings multiple times but nothing ever changes. Maybe I'm the one who's in the wrong idk. I just didn't want to still feel like a single mother and I still feel that way I struggle and am always broke I never have money to just go buy something I want or to just go somewhere I want to go cuz all my money goes to bills. I just don't understand why he can't see that this is wrong. When 100$ a month would help to at least pay the power or gas or something. Other than this he does treat me well. He has never once yelled at me and treats me like a princess when he's home. I find myself being mean to him all the time because of this. He says to me last night if u ever need help paying bills just say something and I can work something out with my other bills. But I don't think I should have to ask or feel like I'm going to mess his bills up because he's helping me. I feel like he should just help without having to be asked. I feel so unappreciated. I mean for real his life is just stress free he doesn't have to pay rent or anything to live here. How would that freaking be?? Then he says the other day I'm not going to have the money to buy anyone a Christmas present this year and I was just thinking why??? You make 10$ an hour granted he only works part time but really?? If ur not making enough money to help me maybe it's time to find another job so u can help me. He should be helping me right??? I'm so confused. So so so confused. I kind of feel a bit walked on. ***************** "A BIT" walked on??? Never mind his gender - yes, you wanted to promote the relationship to cohabitees, as, presumably, did he, but you mainly let this person move in specifically to lighten the total monthly household expenses load. CLEARLY you did, otherwise you wouldn't be here complaining about it. That he timed buying this car with moving in shows me he NEVER HAD ANY INTENTION to uphold that uttered agreement. Instead he saw it as his golden opportunity to use what money he USED to have to spend on his own rent on the hire-purchase of a car plus treating himself to outings with his friends. If he has only enough money for one package or the other when accommodation is never understood to come free (save for the YMCA), then paying rent/bills obviously should have been his priority. Either he didn't take the conversation at the time seriously (although, [1] how could he not - it's hardly joke or throwaway conversation fodder, is it; [2] no-one should even have to ask in the first place) or he did but thought it would be easy enough to talk you round if you should complain. That is one person taking serious advantage of another, AND when they can plainly see the other can ill afford it - LEAST afford it, actually! - through being a single mother AND on a student loan wage. So, in effect, we could say he's indirectly taking candy from a baby, couldn't we. Your baby. All of that is disgusting enough in itself, even were he NOT your established boyfriend or you a strapped single mother! Given this prior agreement, or merely given simple relationship ethics - whether or not the person seems "nice" in every other way - what he's doing is called Financial Abuse, a bona fide abusiveness criteria. (Nice is as Nice *does*, not sounds through flapping their lips around.) "Whenever I get mad because he goes on fishing trips with his friend he gets mad at me and says I make him feel fearful and trapped and that he feels like he can't go anywhere without me being mad." That is outright emotional blackmail because if a landlady got mad due to consistent non-payment of rent, a renter couldn't turn around and complain about how she makes him feel trapped and restrained. If he did, her answer would be, then go and rent off someone else if doing your bog-standard duty makes you feel so somehow put-upon, you cheeky f***er! "He says to me last night if u ever need help paying bills just say something and I can work something out with my other bills. But I don't think I should have to ask or feel like I'm going to mess his bills up because he's helping me. " "If"? There's no 'if' about it and he already knows it! Plus it wouldn't BE him 'helping you', it'd be him helping HIMSELF - like every other independent, single adult has to do. Has he spent the last 6 months wringing his hands over the fact he's messed up YOUR bills and what should be YOURS AND YOUR CHILD'S financial means and potential? No, is the undeniable answer to that one. He's NOT just financially abusive, then, is he. He's emotionally abusive as well. PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVELY, as opposed to outright aggressively like the ex. He at least does experience a BIT of guilt - hence treats you 'like a princess' in all other, superficial ways (although I do have to wonder what your idea of the red carpet is like). But it's for his benefit, not yours. Plus he can afford to, can't he, being so happy all the time from having life so on-a-plate cushy via a girlfriend come quasi mother. It's called, feeding you crumbs (in return for three course meals). I.e. Emotional and Financial Neglect. So what you've done as you've progressed roughly halfway along the Recovery path following an outright abusive relationship is chosen a halfway improvement to suit... from sh*t partner to halfway decent partner. Not *completely* decent partner. (Course not. You weren't completely back to full strength and confidence in yourself yet.) In other words: halfway abusive.... not AS abusive as the ex but still laying within that whole spectrum. Would you and he still be steadies at least if his dating you didn't mean a rent-free lifestyle? In other words, does he genuinely love you or love the lifestyle you have facilitated his becoming accustomed to? Let's put it to the test, shall we? Tell him (verbally or in a handwritten letter) that the leading reason you let him move in with you at your existing place, rather than suggesting you both rent a new place together as flat sharers on a *formal, legal* footing, was because you gained the clear understanding he'd be effectively paying X set sum of 'rent' to you, for you to distribute as you saw fit (help pay bills), each and every month, and because you didn't think you should need formality, given his status to you and supposed love towards you. That he has silently yet loudly refused right off the bat to pay anything means he is by his own behaviour now FORCING you to tell him he has to find his own place and pay his own life basics from now on so that you can find a new flatmate - one that actually does what it says they'll do 'on the tin'. So WHAT if your flatmate happens to also be your boyfriend? Since when did having to pay a man's way become part and parcel of a relationship for a woman? He Jane, you Tarzan? Of COURSE he can see this is wrong! He knew it even before he moved in - hence having AGREED TO CONTRIBUTE! If he'd thought his having to contribute was untoward, he'd have said so or baulked at the mere suggestion! He just doesn't CARE. And that's because no-one and nothing is MAKING him have to. So that's obviously how this guy operates - don't care unless forced to. Great. :-p You wanted to be someone's girlfriend, not foster mother to an (much) older, second child. But he thinks you wouldn't dare rock the boat that hard (make him care) in case his response is to jump out - hence his making 'jumping out' noises (and now - ref no Xmas present for you - 'deprivation' noises) every time you so much as wobble it a bit. That's what he's using to take advantage of you - your fear of being him-less specifically or boyfriend-less generally and fear of those few crumbs DECREASING EVEN FURTHER. Bleugh, frankly. There's you, caring about him when evidence proves he doesn't give even nearly enough of a sh*t about you (other than loving BEING loved and cared for). That's not him loving you and your flaws unconditionally, that's him thinking the massively cushy bonus you provide trumps any other concerns. That's wholly conditional love. Cupboard Love. I mean, how great does a woman feel, being told she looks nice today or even occasionally being cooked for, say, if meanwhile she's constantly worried about not making each month's ends meet? That's hardly compensation, is it, particularly when other women get those standard relationship perks in return for nothing more than she herself giving them, i.e. for free. You need what everyone needs: someone who cares WILLINGLY, who naturally COMES to a relationship willingly caring. It's not time for him to find another job, it's time for him to grow up, man up, and cease deliberately and mercinarily taking advantage of his purportedly nearest and dearest under the cover of loving her and caring about her. Frankly, were it me, I'd dump the dud. I think you're ready or almost ready to, because - look at the evidence: for 6 long months you haven't cared enough (or dared show it enough) about this one-way-street situation to tackle it decisively and incisively. But now, suddenly, you do. You suddenly see it full-force as being outrageous (which it is). You're saying, 'This is really not good enough'. That's right, it's not, it's DISGUSTING. It was good enough when you were X way along the Recovery path, but only because it seemed so IN COMPARISON TO EFFLUENCE (the ex). But you're not there any more, you've progressed another however many miles. You need someone located on THAT part of the path - YOUR part - with self-respect thus other-respect TO MATCH. It's time to dump - based on indisputable evidence to show he barely cares about your fundamental welfare at all in comparison to his frivolous luxuriance. Whether you telling him so is what reality-slaps him into shape is the burning question. In other words, is he upgradeable (from having been keeping himself downgraded all along, just because someone allowed him to) or do you need an upgrade via a brand new model, the sort that would never DREAM of exploiting and continually hurting the feelings of their own steady girlfriend - in that manner or any! Your NEXT landmark on that Recover path, by the way, will be reflected in your saying how you APPRECIATE having a boyfriend, not are grateful like some beneficiary. You're not a beneficiary if you're giving what you're receiving. You're not NEARLY a beneficiary if what you're giving far outweighs what you're getting. That makes HIM the beneficiary, HIM the one who should be grateful. And yet evidence says he's not. Grossly over-entitled is what HE is. A decent man wouldn't be able to behave like that and not see a snout staring back at him every morning in the mirror or sleep soundly every night. Berbom.

@skinnygirl u asked where he was living before. When I met him he had a good job and his own place in town not far from mine so either He would come here to visit or I would go stay out there with him. He was always stressed out because he worked so much and had gotten into debt because of a car title loan he took out so I had told him to just move in with me and that I would pay off his loan for him so that he wasn't so stressed and I just thought it would be us helping each other out ya know. I just wanted him to feel like he wasn't so stressed and now I feel like instead of us both not being stressed that I got all the stress put on me but @ soulmate u are completely 100% right and I appreciate the time u took to respond to my problem. It really opened up my eyes. I'm going to sit down and write him a letter because I'm not going to continue on a path that ultimately is going to end up with me paying the price. If he doesn't change and makes the choice to leave that's on him because im not going to continue to pay for everything and to be walked on and if he loved me he wouldn't be treating me this way flat out knowing that it isn't right!! Thank u all so much for the help.

I am truly impressed with the quality of answers to this post. Listen to what they have to say and ditch the "loser." It's kind of like driving through the "seedy" side of town where dudes hang on the corner talking "smack." How they are going to do this and that...yeah right. Take a drive a year from the date you first saw them and they will still be there, talking the same old thing. This dude is no different. He's a lazy loser. All talk and no action !!

Im so sad today literally in tears. I just can't believe I've yet again sat here and harmed myself letting someone yet again take serious advantage of me. I'm such a beautiful woman that has so much to offer a man and why they can never see that is beyond me. I just don't understand it I love him so much and do everything to show him that and he just doesn't care. He only cares about himself and what he can gain as I can clearly see now. Its not like I need a man to take care of me but for once I would just like to meet someone that wants to help me that wants to see me smile who wants to help pay bills so things aren't so rough. Why are ppl this way?? He's going to loose someone good just because he didn't want to care. Didn't want to love me back as I loved him. I'm just there and I know it. I'm at the turning point where I can no longer let someone do this to me and really it's sad it's all going to be just sad. My kid's love him. How heart breaking. I think I need to focus on healing myself from now on and not how I can heal and help others cuz I'm doing some serious damage to myself. It's all so clear.

Haaang on a cotton pickin' minute: "He was always stressed out because he worked so much and had gotten into debt because of a car title loan he took out so I had told him to just move in with me and that I would pay off his loan for him so that he wasn't so stressed" You didn't tell 'me' that, first time round. It changes things. So, no, I'm *not* right- because now you're admitting you actually TOLD HIM the point of letting him move in was so he could gain lost financial ground. Therefore, the picture changes. To this: I THOUGHT I could help carry him financially but I failed to anticipate that it would affect me this badly so now I want to move those goalposts. Or is what you're actually saying, this: I only meant for a SHORT while, not forever or even for as long as 6 whole months OR for the situation to continue despite my alerting him to a change in mind due to unforeseen difficulty with it. ?

This is what was said I said I'd help him pay his loan off so he didn't have to pay the interest anymore so he could then sell his vehicle and use the money to buy another one because the one he had was about to die. Then I told him just to move in with me and that I thought 300$ a month was fair considering my rent alone is 775 a month that's not counting power gas and internet all of witch he uses since he thought he had to have his very own man cave for his beer fridge and video games lol he's all caught up with his bills he just doesn't want to work any harder cuz he thinks that life isn't all about working and that he wants time to fish. I had told him to move in because me charging him 300 was way less than what he was paying where he was living far far less. I told him to move in because financially it would help us both out. Idk I just feel like I don't live rent free and neither should he. It's not like he's helping me so I can get on my feet. I'm over it. He's in the wrong.

Oh, okay, NOW WE CAN BE CLEAR. You did actually make it clear, even named a monthly figure, yet he's not paid it. Just worth checking before you do anything drastic. "he thought he had to have his very own man cave for his beer fridge and video games lol " Yeah, he's definitely over-entitled and exploitative, isn't he. I expect you can thank his exes or his mum and dad for that (or both). I mean, if someone's offering to do you a giant FAVOUR you don't start demanding C, D and E as well as setting *conditions*, do you (cheeky effer). Not that he's alone in that. They do after all say about men, "give 'em an inch and they'll take a mile". Well, SOME men, anyway. Including this one, by the sounds of it. Methinks you're too nice and too slow to nip buds, always hoping the other person will automatically just do the right thing, same as you. Well, not everyone was brung up proper. You let the person get too used to things until they start thinking of favours as RIGHTS. Put that together with one greedy effer and - voila! So - to the tune of 50% - you've made THINK his life needn't be all about working and paying his own way adn having time to fish. He'll be fishing in the PEOPLE pond if he's not careful, eh! Really, you should always EKE OUT trust and privileges, bit by bit, in a tit for tat way. What YOU did was PRE-PAY...rewarded him before he'd earned the reward. See it? But anyway, there you go - there's the crux: "I told him to move in because financially it would help us both out." Yet his moving in has helped ONLY HIM OUT whilst making your situation worse. Berbom! That is all you have to say, adding something along the lines of, 'So it's going to have to change, starting now, I'm afraid - as in, back to WHAT WE AGREEEEEEEEEED-AH! [emphasis optional, LOL] If you can't, for practical reasons, abide by what was concretedly PRE-agreed as a firm condition to your moving in then my poorly financial situation and motherly need to ensure my child's needs be catered optimally for dictates I have to get a bona-fide, paying lodger instead. So - do I?'.

PS: I do think life's 'given' you this particular bloke to force you finally to learn better self-assertiveness (because now it really matters), though. Fair comment?

PS: And you could add this: "But I'm a NICE, CARING person so obviously I won't be asking you to back-pay from the date you moved in". ;-)

Lol I love ur posts they make me laugh but make so much sense. Thank you soul mate for ur time in responding to my issue your first post is what helped me see the light lol I was like yep im getting taken advantage of. Problem is im to nice and my dumbass always trys to see the good in others and I always think that they'll just do the right thing without me having to ask or turn into a bitch. Im quite the strong woman and my life experiences have made me that way so im grateful for them all. Hes going to find out real quick like how it is I deserve to be treated or moving on ill be. I don't need that shit!!! Maybe when im gone he'll realize just what he had and how good he really did have it. Problem is I know he knows already how awesome I am I just don't think he thinks I will say anything or have the courage to leave because he knows how much I love him but he uses that against me to keep getting what he wants. But like u said in ur first post let's put it to the test shall we?? Does he really love me just being me or does he love the cushy life style I have been providing for him?? I guess we shall see because if someone truly loved u when I tell him what I gotta say they will just simply say ok ill start helping and help or he'll just walk away. I would definitely be sad if he left but really I would only be helping myself out. I'm getting to old for fake shit it's time for shit to get real. No more wasting time on ppl who are only wasting my time. Thank u

Sorry for the delay. I'd like to be able to post every single day but.. life tends to get in the way so if in future you could just sit tight, safe in the knowledge that regardless of any delays I always, ALWAYS finish whatever I've started... I note you've started a new thread, you see. And I see how that one is likewise a product of your inability to assert yourself and your needs with this guy. I'll I'm going to paste in that opening post so that we can keep all the data about your problematic relationship in the one place, okay? ***** Opening post from 'Why am I not important...': "Never in my life have i felt like i don't understand men. I don't know how I can out right say. That I need sex and attention then I get ignored. I don't understand. I don't know what's going on. Like what's wrong with me?? I can't quit crying right now to even write this post. Does he just not want to be with me?? I show him attention and give him oral sex weekly but when it comes to me he just drinks then falls asleep. I really want the man I'm with to be attracted to me and want to have sex. I'm not ugly I'm just a little 115 lb little blonde girl. I'm beautiful and I don't get it. There's always an excuse. Why am I not important to this man?? He use to want to touch me all the time. I'm just so terribly sad inside. The sadness is overwhelming. I feel it. He doesn't feel the same way about me and doesn't want to be with me. I feel he has changed his mind :( I really just want to be loved!!! Don't know what I'm doing wrong." ******* Questions: Did you deliver your speech about how he had to stop taking the pee over your hospitality and generosity? Is that why he's now 'punishing' you or is this lack of bedroom 'co-operation' not a new development? Also, have the pair of you been fighting a lot just recently and/or had you had a barnie right before you created this new, second thread of yours? Pending your answers and notwithstanding, I think you need to stop taking everything so personally and also to realise your looks have nothing to do with this. I suspect he'd be doing this to Angelina Jolie herself if that's who he was dating, that if you had access to his previous girlfriends you'd quite likely find out that he'd been exactly the same, save for the finer details or differences in degrees depending on how little or how much they'd each had to work to forever be blocking his taking-advantage-of attempts. Because, like I said, events show his attitude pre-existed you. So where did he GET it from, is the question (this case, rhetorical)?

(Ahem!) I'm over here!....this way! Follow the smell of ciggie butts. LOL