I want to leave

so i have a boyfriend of 7 years, amazing guy. we fell in love young. 7 years later we're even more in love. or maybe im even more in love. not him. i dont know at this point. i come from an arab-muslim background. my family are pretty strict about not having a bf but that never stopped me. i dont believe in arranged marriages what so ever. anyway point is i met him, it was great, i experienced a new world with him. we were somehow out of control, 2 adventurous young couple who wanted to live life to the fullest. and we did . we always sticked together. friends come and go but me and him were always tight. hes the guy version of me. the 7 years we had together was electric. nothing else comes close. theres no one in this planet id rather be with but him. till this day, he is my person, hes the guy that knows all my secrets ad problems, knows my past and except me and love me for who i am . we used to spend so much time together. we would skip classes and go out, enjoy our time, get crazy. even if it was just the 2 of us. and most of the time its just the 2 of us. i love him. he makes me feel alive. the only thing that makes me feel alive. he makes me feel so beautiful even if i look my worst. he fulfills me and understands me. we fight sometimes, but i believe our fights only makes us stronger. we both made mistakes, but we always forgive each other. the spark never died. till this day. its there. BUT something awful happened in July/2015. it was a beautiful morning. i got up, got dressed and went to work. i was sitting in my desk having my morning coffee.. every morning i have to get a message from him saying "good morning beautiful" or something like that. but that day i didnt get a message. and its not him to oversleep or anything. so i called. once, twice,, three times..... then his father picks up and tells me this "he's sent to jail, he's not coming out, i dont want to him to come out" in that moment, my life sort of ended.. i became another person. i couldnt handle it. i just couldnt. i wasnt myself.. i almost committed suicide. but i failed at my attempt to kill my self.. and here's why i couldnt handle it now, the reason he got caught was because he had synthetic cannabis with him which was actually mine. and it wasnt a small amount. from where i come from, u get 4 years for getting caught with synthetic cannabis. just like having marijuana. The thing is, only a night before he got caught he asked me 3 times to take it from him and keep it somewhere with me because he felt like something might happen and i didnt. i slept instead! only 2 people knew about it .. me and his older cousin which he trusted with his life. so turns out, his peace of shit cousin snitched on him to get his ass out of trouble cause he got caught a week before, and to reduce his sentence he had to bring people in so he did.. he snitched on my boyfriend, if i took the stuff when he asked me to .. he wouldnt get locked up. but it happened. it ruined his life. i ruined his life. and i couldnt handle it. the guilt killed me. it shattered me. i was on prescribed medication from a long time .. for anxiety and shit. it calmed my nerves. and i got hooked instantly. my family didnt know about that and they would have never approved. like i said. they're mentality is very different, very conservative, close minded people. so they diidnt know. i smoke as well. so yes, my lifestyle is not idealistic. but i was happy. we were happy. we mind our own business. do our thing. it was great... but now i have a cousin .. older cousin as well. shes in her 30's. im 24. shes a bitch. an evil bitch. she started a stupid problem because she thought i was putting my best friend over her.. some girly jealousy stupid crap that i CANNOT tolerate. but ya, she had a problem with me .. and at that point. with every thing happening in my life (she didnt know about my bf being in jail or about the prescribed medicine i take or about smoking cannabis or anything at all abt my private life, i dont tell her shit, cuz i experienced alot of things with her. travelled together. grew up with her basically. and i know what a 2 faced crazy evil bitch she is. so i keep my distance but try to be nice) i had it with her at that point. so i told her to shut the fuck up, mind her own fuckkig business and leave me the fuck alone and i told her to her face what an evil crazy pathetic low life cheap bitch she is.. she didnt take it so well it seems. because heres what she did..... she called my brother and told him that i have a boyfriend of 7 years.. and ofcourse she added what a terrible guy he is (she never liked him, cuz she never liked seeing me happy cuz shes a lonely miserable gold digging peace of shit) and she told him abt my addiction to prescribed medicine, and my smoking habits. she basically told him everything.. she made me look like a drug addict whore. now she took the time to dig shit up so she can fuck up my life. My family know nothing about all this, as i said, i come from an arab country. where every family knows every family. where class is important. women should be covered and treated like pets. come home before ten. your hair should be covered. you cannot work there because its 40 minutes away from home. and apparently thats forbidden. i cant travel alone, ever. they have so many rules and im different. i just cant put up with all their rules. im not saying my life is right but i cant be living like a fucking slave. thats how i feel. now, im not saying my family dont care or dont love me. no . my family loves me so much and really cares for me . especially my father. but they have those rules that i have to obey, i cant say why? i cant say no. i just have to obey. and say nothing. which makes me feel like a slave. i cant help but feel like that, and no matter what i say its never going to change. so yes, im trapped. my family loves me but im trapped in this family. im grateful for everything, but im not happy. i never was .. and that may be the reason for my radical behavior. my addiction. those pills i take.. theyre the closest thing i feel to peace and comfort. thats sad. but its the truth. i was always unhappy. even as a child .. my mom is a perfectionist. and i was never the daughter she wanted me to be. she had alot of expectations. she wasnt really the typical mother. she was strict. a very classy strict woman. i was always scared of her as a child. i still remember. i dont blame her for how i turned out. but it sure is one of the reasons i turned out to be like this. i am a disgrace to my family. for having a bf. loving a male human being thats not my brother. thats a disgrace. for smoking. and most of all. for my addiction... i am a disgrace. so this bitch, digged up shit about me and snitched to my brother. now since my bf got locked up .. i wasnt myself at all. i started taking more of those pills .. alot more than i should. i really just got to suicidal point. and my family saw it in me they just didnt want to believe i was taking pills. they so how devastated i was. my father knew something is terribly off about me. he was scared. its been 8 years since he last hit me. but he he hit me again. because he was scared. he didnt know what was up with me. so when we get into fights. he starts hitting me. but i couldnt feel anything. i was out of it. anyways, so my bitch cousin snitched and then my brother told my father and thats when it was confirmed that i was on some pills and im an addict. they took my phone away, laptop, everything that connects me to the outer world. they made me stop going to work (i loved my work so much, so much .). im forbidden to speak to any of my friends. i have no friends . i cant have friends anymore. and thats how it was for a month. and that wasnt just to punish me. no . my father wanted to make sure i stop taking those medications. and i wanted to stop. before all that happened. i tried many many times... but i will always go back. so i did stop now. i needed counseling. professional help. a psychiatrist . but even that wasnt allowed. apparently psychiatrist makes u think that ur bad habits are okay. thats what my father thinks. so i cant have counseling, guidance. just stay home. talk to no one.. and all ur problems will go away.. i did it his way. ofcourse i stopped the medicine. stopped smoking, stopped having friends, no work, disconnected from the outer world .. just eat, watch tv, and sleep. my father wanted to help me, in his own way. and i had to follow. i had no choice but to follow. i wished i die. my existence was useless. every day i wished i die 2 days after my cousin snitched on me and got me in this shit hole. my boyfriend gets outs. thats 5 months after he got in. and i got locked up ,at home. but still the same concept. i found out later ofcourse since i was allowed to speak to anyone anyway now its been 3 months since this happened to me.. theres a little progress. they allowed me to go to university to finish my last couple of course (i was studying and working at the same time , before).... so they gave me a shit phone for now.. i can use my laptop .. still forbidden to have friends or speak to them .. .. but theres been a little progress. i can breathe just a little my life changed in a crazy way since july-2015, since he got caught. if i took the shit.. and he was never caught .. and we were as good as ever. i wouldnt have acted out and became the person i was. and i would have never got caught. i actually think its a blessing in disguise in a vey twisted way. because i stopped the medicine. im not an addict anymore, i stopped smoking regularly. and im closer to my family than i ever been. im unhappy. but iv always been unhappy so whatever now heres the thing. since that happened. i have a phone but all my phone calls goes to my dad cuz he pays for the bill. and ofcourse he checks every number. to make sure im not talking to my boyfriend. so we dont talk as much. we talk maybe 5 minutes a day if i can. see him for 15 mns when im in uni. so theres this huge gap between us. i love him more than ever. he loves me to. i know that. but i feel like this distance is killing our relationship. hes busy with his life. and that makes me feel like im not a part of it anymore. im not a part of him anymore. he says he misses me and stuff.. but i dont know how would this ever work? when will my life start being normal? i love my family but i cant just stop talking to my only person, the only person i truly loved. the person iv been with for 7 years! i cant help but be paranoid, i feel like this gap is getting bigger by the day, and hes getting used to it hes used to me not being there anymore, hes busy with his life and hes been around girls that i dont know about, although he doesnt deny it. the other day i went through his phone and i saw a couple of girls i never heard about, he calmly tells me there names and where he met them .. like it was okay if it was in any other situation where im not locked up i might have been fine with it. but at that point i just flipped. we've been having fights lately cuz i feel like it wont work im locked up and trapped even more than i ever was. and i need to be reassured hes mine. but with that. it just made me paranoid or maybe im looking for a reason to leave him so i can stop being scared of getting caught by my family. cuz then my life is REALLY OVER my dad made it clear.. if i fuck up in any way, im done.. this is my chance to prove to them im changed. im the person they want me to be. not me. they dont want me. they dont want to see me. Me is a disgrace. Me is wrong. They dont want me, they want what they want me to be. so i am that person .. for now i am . because i have no other choice. i am trapped for ever .. and i have to make peace with that. because its driving me crazy. i dont know till when i will be able to handle this. i dont know when ill collapse once again. so im on the verge of a break up now. i dont know whether i should fight and stick around and believe that he cares, he loves me ,, or face it, hes just out of prison, hes moving on and living his life. hes getting used to me not there. and maybe i should move on and i dont know .. be that person my parents want me to be. and stay alone and miserable for the rest of my life? i dont know sure, ill never try committing suicide again, but the thought of me leaving this world is the most soothing and comforting feeling i have ever felt. i want to leave. funny thing is, i swear iv always felt this way. since i was a child. i want to leave

wow! Muzzah : that's a big piece of writing - thanks for such an open and honest testimony : I feel for you - but what to say ?

your family loves you and wants what they think is best for you - for your life, for your honor as a woman : it's just too bad they can not dialogue with you and hear your opinion - you are no longer a little girl and they should allow you to have opinions and discuss them - maybe they think you don't know what's right but then communication is key to evolving in any relation : they may not agree with you but they can at least hear you out and then think about it - they probably didn't like it to find out you were having a life behind their back : mistrust is a bad foundation for healthy relations - your family surely appreciates honesty and honor - you must show them you are worth their trust

as for the drugs - it is not your fault nor responsibility - it is your bf who was possessing drugs : so it was his responsibility on how to deal with it - it was not right for him to ask you to get involved : if he loves you he is supposed to want to protect you and not get you involved in shady business

as for your older cousin : see and talk to her the less possible - you don't need to see people who do you no good

medication is a tricky road to get on : many get you addicted (and depressed) - it's better to see a counselor or therapist - even if just for a couple of sessions - to get to the root of the problem and take steps to move on - if your parents didn't want you to go and see a specialist maybe it was because they were ashamed and by keeping you at home they just wanted you to get back to your senses

as for your bf - you can not do much : it is up to him to let you know where he stands with you - considering the situation : you must clearly ask him and make a deal as to how you both are going to continue - if that is so - in this procedure you must be very realistic and do what is best for yourself first - love is not giving up one's own life

sometimes life takes people in different ways and there is nothing to do about it : you must keep an open mind and allow for a future for your life - with or without him - for that to happen you must know what really makes you happy and why - and set that as a priority - self-esteem and self-worth are power giving - not pining after someone who is not clear about his commitment to you - he is supposed to be a man - not a boy and you have the right to be loved as a woman - not some girl he's seeing here and there among others

set your life on track - try to understand the rigidities in values of your parents : basically they are good but maybe not enough adapted to 21th century modern life - try to have more communication with them

good luck.

Why jeopardize what little freedom you now have. End the relationship/friendship. Focus on completing your education. At the present time your family will not approve of him or you continuing a relationship.

that's a big piece of writing - thanks for such an open and honest testimony : I feel for you - but what to say ?

your family loves you and wants what they think is best for you - for your life, for your honor as a woman : it's just too bad they can not dialogue with you and hear your opinion - you are no longer a little girl and they should allow you to have opinions and discuss them - maybe they think you don't know what's right but then communication is key to evolving in any relation : they may not agree with you but they can at least hear you out and then think about it - they probably didn't like it to find out you were having a life behind their back : mistrust is a bad foundation for healthy relations - your family surely appreciates honesty and honor - you must show them you are worth their trust

as for the drugs - it is not your fault nor responsibility - it is your bf who was possessing drugs : so it was his responsibility on how to deal with it - it was not right for him to ask you to get involved : if he loves you he is supposed to want to protect you and not get you involved in shady business

as for your older cousin : see and talk to her the less possible - you don't need to see people who do you no good

medication is a tricky road to get on : many get you addicted (and depressed) - it's better to see a counselor or therapist - even if just for a couple of sessions - to get to the root of the problem and take steps to move on - if your parents didn't want you to go and see a specialist maybe it was because they were ashamed and by keeping you at home they just wanted you to get back to your senses

as for your bf - you can not do much : it is up to him to let you know where he stands with you - considering the situation : you must clearly ask him and make a deal as to how you both are going to continue - if that is so - in this procedure you must be very realistic and do what is best for yourself first - love is not giving up one's own life

sometimes life takes people in different ways and there is nothing to do about it : you must keep an open mind and allow for a future for your life - with or without him - for that to happen you must know what really makes you happy and why - and set that as a priority - self-esteem and self-worth are power giving - not pining after someone who is not clear about his commitment to you - he is supposed to be a man - not a boy and you have the right to be loved as a woman - not some girl he's seeing here and there among others

set your life on track - try to understand the rigidities in values of your parents : basically they are good but maybe not enough adapted to 21th century modern life - try to have more communication with them

good luck