Lonely

So here I am in a desperate attempt to connect with anyone. I don't even know where to start. I'm a middle aged woman, married well over 20 years, grown children out of the house. Am extremely active in group activities where I should be making friends. Thing is, I feel like I can never make any headway. I don't understand what is wrong with me. It's like I'm permanently broken. I am always trying new things in an attempt to make some kind of long lasting friendships. I'm a good friend to, loyal, not bitchy, honest with tact. People seem to like me at first, but, is everybody so freaking busy in there own lives that they can't have additional friends? Social media tends to make me feel like I did in H.S. - overlooked. Not close to my siblings as all...religious issues. Husband works a ton..always gone. We have been fighting more lately. He said to me a few weeks ago that we never talk and I was literally at a loss for words. I've been saying that for years, but, kind of stopped because nothing ever changed. I just wish I had someone who was interested in me. I've been told that you can not rely on your spouse for all of your emotional support. I get that, but, I just don't know where to turn. I have been in therapy singly and in marriage counseling. I'm not running to return either. A lot of money to spend to have a best friend. In fact, I'm actually facebook friends with a therapist I saw for years and then later retired. Also, the company that my husband is involved with seems to always promote the universe gives you what you think. This is really messing with my head. I told someone at a work conference that I thought the universe was squeezing me out of his life/life in general. I have done the whole self help books, meditations, workshops, and nothing changed then either. I know they say you have to feel good about yourself, but, I don't. I've been on medications and went off about 10 years ago and last year when I suggested to my husband that maybe I should go back on, he immediately said no, didn't think I needed it. Scroll back to a few weeks when he said we don't ever talk and he suggested that I need meds again. I reminded him of his reaction last year when I said maybe I should try again and he said he has no memory of that conversation. I felt like I had fallen down the fucking rabbit hole. Meds didn't make me that different anyway. I'm coping better now than I did back then. And I especially think that I was medicated in the first place because parents died, we moved twice, gave birth, found out husband had an affair with a best friend, got excommunicated from church, blah, blah, blah, all within a year. You bet I was fucking depressed. I also didn't have any friends or family to turn to. Nobody stepped in. My parents died 21 years ago, and I don't want my kids to ever feel as alone as that and I didn't even have a good relationship with my parents either. My kids are why I stick around. I really don't feel like anyone outside of my family cares. Logically I know that should be enough, but, god I'm lonely for someone to be interested in me, to want to have me around. I'm sucking at life and I just get so tired of it sometime. I'm sorry if it seems like I'm so pathetic. I reread this post and think, "yep, you are! and crazy to boot"! Am I so invisible that I don't even exist on anyones radar?

why have you been on meds ? for what purpose ? why did you go to single therapy and marriage counseling ? what are you exactly expecting from social / friendly relations ? ask your husband what it is he wants to talk about - what is his concern and start from there - could you say why you don't feel good about yourself ?