New to forum, life spiralling out of control...

Apologies as this is going to be lengthy. I'm not really sure where to start, but i am hoping that writing this down and seeking some outside opinion may be of some benefit. I have been with my partner for almost 10 years and we have 2 kids (who are school age). I am 30, partner is 40. We are not married. Things were happyish up until a couple of years ago, when i suddenly realised that i wasnt in love with him. We had grown apart, i didnt enjoy sex with him, our lives revolved around our kids and communication was bad. After some discussion, we decided to have some separate interests away from eachother. I felt like i had got old before my time, and my social life was basically his..so i decided to go out with my pals more. I started going out a few times a month(with his approval) and got a lot of confidence back that i had lost since having the kids. I became more outgoing and felt attractive, i got some sparkle back. I also had a good trusting relationship with partner and would tell him all about my nights out and if guys chatted me up etc and there was no jealousy. I felt like my new found confidence was impacting in a good way on my relationship at home, and all areas of my life. I even chucked in my dead end job for a high flying job, which was something i had never contemplated being able to do before. The problems started when a very good looking 18 year old developed a crush on me. I told partner who said to me that he could see it made me happy, and if i wanted to have a clandestine fling with him then i could as long as i was honest about it. So I did. Within weeks, partner was fuming, we had massive rows, he broke my nose in a drunken fight (had never been violent before) and i retaliated by having a drunken one night stand. To cut the story, we ended up in counselling which was disastrous, as he felt challenged. I had another drunken fling and we split up but remained living together. He refused to leave because it was my fault and said he would make my life hell and take the kids off me. We lived like that for a while, then his dad got ill and we slowly started to rebuild things, but with no real discussion, we just fell into a relationship again. Because of his dads illness and erratic behaviour, i couldnt say no. I then started seeing a work colleague. We had amazing sex, and he made me feel confident. We started to frequent sex parties, something id never done before, but i loved. I felt so liberated. I still see this guy and see him as the best form of escapism. Im also seeing another couple of younger guys who i am having great sex with. I can't seem to stop cheating. I love the excitement. I am so unhappy at home, but can't stand up to my partner. Any advice will be welcome xx

I am glad you have been able to get your social life back and improve your career. Even though your husband said he was ok with you having a fling, he may not have meant it. If he did mean it, he may have had a change of heart when you did take it to the next level. I am not saying that his behavior is justified (Because it is not. This situation is partly his fault, and instead of trying to fix what is broken, he is making it worse.), but I am giving possible explanations to why your partner's behavior changed. Also, you may have been having so much fun with the other man that it was taking away from what you rebuilt with your partner. You and your partner were having problems before your flings occurred, and those problems have not gone away. Your partner should have never said that you could get involved with another man, regardless of how he meant it. You do have fault too, because you guys were in a good place, but the fact that you got involved with someone else indicates that you still did not feel fulfilled and you were seeking fulfillment elsewhere. WHAT YOU SHOULD DO: You two need to think about the kids. Is it better for them to live with two parents who just live with each other because it's routine? Based on what is going on, you have already left your partner on a psychological and emotional level. You really need to leave the relationship, because having other relationships may backfire one day if you continue to live with your partner. For instance, what happens if one of your kids sees you with someone else one day? How do you think that would affect them? I don't know how much your kids know about what is going on, but this situation is affecting them, even if they don't know much about it. I think you should either (1) work on what you have with your partner and stop cheating or (2) leave him, see who you want to see, and fight for custody of the kids.Don't have flings with other men to escape from your problems. You need to deal with your problems. If you decide to continue cheating, that is your decision, but I strongly advise that you decide which life you want to have and stick with it. TILES

I think you could ask yourself a few questions to see where you are going with your life. The only person that can achieve happieness for you is you.Is it the domestic lifestyle that gets you down? After the initial excitement of feeling wanted, being attractive again,and your first crush fling thing, why was this not enough to satify you? It seems to have become easier to seek new partners for that escapism you are looking for. I suspect it is you that you are escaping from.The feel good factor from this type of escapism is the same as in any walk of life. The buzz gets shorter and shorter after each fix. But whilst you are still chasing happieness this way there will come a time many partners later there will be no buzz at all.You need to find happieness and contentment in yourself before you can be happy and contribute to the happieness of loved ones round about you. Including the children. Your thoughts will be consumed with the lifestyle you have chose instead of being able to focus on making your family unit work. Do you want your family unit to work? Think back to the beginning of the relationship you had with your childrens father. Did he work harder to please you? Do you think he has always taken you for granted? When you were open enough with him regarding the 18 year old with the crush, do you think he realised how unhappy you were in the relationship and made the offer to be understanding about this because he loved you and would rather share you than lose you? Or do you think he just couldn't care less about you at the time? I would suspect the first option. He has lost the ability to talk to you for fear of not being able to make you happy, both of you need to decide where happieness is in your relationship. Tomorrow is the first day in the rest of your lives work together to work out if its going to be a future that can fulfill both of you or continue as you both are and never get past the lifestyle you have chose for now. Get back to good trusting relationship if possible with your partner. If thats not possible get back to being honest and true to yourself. Have a look and answer the questions above, you might come up with a few more questions you need to answer for yourself. I wish you good luck in your search for contentment.