Feeling more depressed than I usually do

I am a 21 year old guy and I have depression. It is an internal battle everyday. Its not always easy to throw on a fake smile and pretend that everything is ok when its not. I can talk to my dad or my brother because they have been through similar things, but I dont open up completely because who wants to tell their family that they dont feel like living anymore? Im in a weird area of hating my life and feeling like theres no reason to live, but I dont really want to die because it scares me. Its hard to admit that something scares me, and it bothers me a lot. Its sort of messed up how I wish in a messed up way I werent afraid of death because then I could just kill myself. What also goes through my head is how the people closest to me would feel if i committed suicide, how traumatizing it would be. Im depressed for a lot of different reasons, I have an anger problem, and when I yell or get mad at the ones I care about it makes my depression worse. Im also depressed because I have really bad anxiety and I feel like it holds me back in enjoying life. A big reason I am depressed tho is the fact that I have never had a girlfriend. It might seem kind of dumb but it really bothers me a lot. I just get so anxious I sort of lock up sometimes. Then the anger and depression comes at myself for being so awkward socially. All these feelings have been manifesting themselves more than usual lately and I just needed to get it out.

Ok I am 76 yrs old married for 51 years and depressed for very different reasons. I tried suicide 3 yrs ago and failed. Now suffer relevant health and physical issues from that. My attempt was totally unrelated to a depression , it was a foul situation I got myself into. Lack of GF cann't be a reason. To me it is dumb, get out amongst the girls, it's a hell of a lot easier these days with all the IT/tech stuff available than the stigmas, barriers and class reasons it was in my 20s. Get into a club/group/association of mixed folk, all ages helps, as we old gits can help you. Family, friends, colleagues will all be pissed off if you top yourself, think of them and the repercussions. Empathy is something I have learned of late and brings things clearer. Good luck.

BTW my thread in here shows only the latter part of my involvemtn and cry for help on this site. It got too big and we had to restart it with a different heading. It has helped a great deal.

you say you don't really want to die because it scares you - you say it's hard to admit something scares you - you say it bothers you : it looks to me like you want control as in being able to control your life to the point of not caring to die - this apparent "lack of control" gives you anger issues which when acted out make you feel guilty and ashamed of not being able to control your anger issues as well as your guilt issues which brings you back to feeling bad about not being able to control the resulting depression which brings about anxiety why would you want or need such control over your life ? you say that the fact of not having a gf bothers you because it makes you feel akward which gets the whole vicious circle going again : what stops you from having/finding a girlfriend ? have you tried to pin that down and get clear with yourself about the "reasons" (psycho-emotional mechanisms) of why this seems to be not possible ? can you track down the initial "thing" that got you in this negative repetitive cycle in the first place ? do you know why you don't like to live ? those are things you might want to look at - apart from the physical/biological/chemical components involved : depression is also physical and the body gets used to certain chemical "cocktails" and the brains gets "configured" : you get into the habit of being that way you can change that if you can pin point the root cause of all this and then follow the thread that leaded to the whole thing developping : you look like a smart guy - you can do this :)

you say you don't really want to die because it scares you - you say it's hard to admit something scares you - you say it bothers you : it looks to me like you want control as in being able to control your life to the point of not caring to die - this apparent "lack of control" gives you anger issues which when acted out make you feel guilty and ashamed of not being able to control your anger issues as well as your guilt issues which brings you back to feeling bad about not being able to control the resulting depression which brings about anxiety why would you want or need such control over your life ? you say that the fact of not having a gf bothers you because it makes you feel akward which gets the whole vicious circle going again : what stops you from having/finding a girlfriend ? have you tried to pin that down and get clear with yourself about the "reasons" (psycho-emotional mechanisms) of why this seems to be not possible ? can you track down the initial "thing" that got you in this negative repetitive cycle in the first place ? do you know why you don't like to live ? those are things you might want to look at - apart from the physical/biological/chemical components involved : depression is also physical and the body gets used to certain chemical "cocktails" and the brains gets "configured" : you get into the habit of being that way you can change that if you can pin point the root cause of all this and then follow the thread that leaded to the whole thing developping : you look like a smart guy - you can do this :)

Hi, i feel like u do most of the time. I also feel worthless. But i think the thing u need 2 do most is talk. Talk to someone a friend, some stranger on internet . Specialy after u do something you regret. And if u cannot find someone talk 2 me. I m here 2 listen