A struggle with myself

I've been married for around 10 years and I haven't always been happy but I've not always been a happy guy. I've struggled with anxiety and depression that seems to get worse as I get older. I'm not one to want to dissapoint people or see them upset. I hate seeing people upset because of my doing and I think that's what has me wrapped up in the mental mess I am in now. I've never taken the time to make myself happy. It was a few years in when I noticed jealousy issues. I used to go out with my best friend every so often and have a great time and get a phone call with her crying and mad, which in turn would make me feel like I've done something wrong. Eventually my friends stopped calling and I stopped bothering calling them because it was not worth it to make a big deal anymore. Through the years I've struggled with thinking I've been being mentally abused or wondering if it's all in my head. 24/7 is wondering is she ok with this or will she be mad at me. I had no self esteem. I have and still do wait on her hand and foot, take care of the house, the dogs, everything. She's 100% adamant about having a child and I've never felt worse. I know I will be the only one that is taking care of it and while I will love it, it's not fair to me. I don't want my life to be like that. I've recently lost a lot of weight and started to gain some self esteem. I'm still mentally broke down, taking several medications. I'm also fighting between whether this whole problem is in my head and I created it or if it is an actual problem that I have. Regardless I have regrets I didn't do more in my life before. I have so much sadness and no hope because I have never said no or taken the time for myself to be happy and I feel like it's too late and I'm at a loss. I sound selfish but sometimes I just panic. I hate sex, I get anxious when I on know it's coming... I don't know what advice I need, I just wanted to vent...

Hi I read your post and I wanted to reply -not to give advise, but try and offer a different perspective. I also have suffered from anxiety and depression and I feel I understand you. So from what I read your main worry is that you do not want to have a baby. Why is this? This could be why you feel anxious about having sex. It is an understandable worry -having a baby is a big commitment. I guess the best way to overcome it is to ask yourself: why don't you want to have a baby? Is it that you do not feel happy in your relationship? You say that you feel as though you wait on your partner hand and foot, take care of the house, the dogs, everything. The most positive way to view this is that you are supporting your partner in lots of ways. Isn't it a great feeling to be depended on? The fact that you are able to take care of all of these means that you are a capable individual. It sounds like your partner is forgetting to say thanks but probably is thankful, maybe you feel she is taking you for granted? Maybe you could start persuading your partner to do more? I think its never a good thing to demand or beg. Just be assertive and let her know that you love her and you appreciate her help if she can. Maybe you could choose one thing in particular that you would like her to help with more, something that she might enjoy or something that could mean that you could treat her with something else? Like making the dinner whilst she walks the dog? No arguments needed. Maybe taking some time out for yourself away from your partner could make you feel better. Spending lots of time with anyone can make you feel annoyed with that person, whoever it is. You must do something purely for your own enjoyment. You say you've lost weight recently. Why not join a sports club or volunteer? You could start by just googling what there might be available in your area. Its really important to let off steam. You say that eventually your friends stopped calling. Maybe you feel a lack of a sense of family of friends around you? Joining something is the best way of meeting more friends. The first step is to google and find something you might enjoy (although you might have lots of doubts). Then find out where and when and just try it -you've got nothing to loose and you'll also have found other clubs to try next. You are a capable being :)