Needing to vent

I guess I just needed to have some of this heard. 9 years ago I fell in love with my wife. And 9 years now I am divorced. We married 3 years ago, but within the first year she had an affair. After finding out about it, I spent the past two years trying to get her to change. To stop. She would say she loved me and wanted to save our marriage but continued to lie and cheat. I put my life on hold for her. Moving and choosing jobs so she could pursue her dreams. I feel used. I feel alone. And know after having wasted nine years on chasing a broken dream. A dream of having someone love me. Someone that would be there for me. I have to start all over again. We moved here four years ago. I made no attempt to make any friends of my own. They were all her friends. I spent all my time working (in a career I've come to hate).......paying for everything so she could complete her degrees. And now as I approach 40, I just don't have the energy and drive to make the changes I need to make. Really, how does someone at this age make new friends? Date? It takes years to find and cultivate a relationship. So alone, I have to start the job hunt. I have to put myself out there and move again. To another city. To no friends. Or stay trapped here, in a job that I hate. With no friends. And no significant other to spend my time with. I get the whole 'pick yourself up by your boot straps". "Suck it up and move one". But like I said, I am exhausted from the emotional hell of the past three years. I am exhausted from years of a doctoral program, postdocs, and low paying academic jobs. I am just exhausted and want to give up the fight.

"9 years ago I fell in love with my wife. And 9 years now I am divorced. " Que? Well anyway... "After finding out about it, I spent the past two years trying to get her to change. To stop. She would say she loved me and wanted to save our marriage but continued to lie and cheat. " Mouth says A, actions - the deciders - say Z. She may as well have said through a huge mouthful of Haagen-Dazs, "I HATE ice-cream!". So why did you keep listening to what was obviously complete hot-air ollocks? Or is this why: ""9 years ago I fell in love with my [second] wife. And 9 years now I am divorced [from my first wife]" ? It's all very well trying to convince yourself and everyone that you're a get-straight-back-on-the-horse merchant but, if you're not then what you tend to end up doing is choosing a semi-lame one. 'Ah... SHE can't buck me - I'm safe!' Er. NO. You're even UN-safer on a semi-lame one because, as you've found out, eventually the gammy leg buckles, meaning, you get thrown off ANYWAY (as the horse topples over onto its side). And then, if you insist on climbing back on again and again, you get toppled off again and again. Obviously YOU were semi-lame at that juncture (the divorce trauma). But your leg injury was always going to be recoverable over time. Like THINKS he's attracted Like, found company for the recovery path, but hasn't. Common mistake. Common 'cost'. Here's the (overly) common outcome: 1. You have wasted NOTHING and 'had on hold' NOTHING. You've learned to the max. and come out wiser. That whole barrel-ful of knowledge is going to be your magic wand when (not if) you meet your ultimate soulmate and hit the usual bumpy parts of the relationship path. You and your dream woman - the one that makes all exes looks like PANTS - will positively raise a glass to exipoo-poos in abject gratitude for that perverse mental-gym workout! One of those invaluable lessons is called, how to nip buds as soon as they appear. Another is called, how to cut back thorn-bushes without getting scratched (even where only those that resulted from her last partner's failure to nip what were once buds). Another is called, how to cease playing armchair therapist-type rescuer and leave the host and the dis-ease to the professionals. Another.. how to be less tolerant and understanding when the person you're attempting to rescue from their deep, muddy hole tries to use your proffered hand of help merely to pull you IN (misery loves company). I could go on (and onandonandon). 2. Alone my a*se. Stick around, read the currents and the archives. Another bus-load of betrayees will be along any minute, guaranteed! Or stay right here and make this your recuperations diary. And then read your thread back after 6 months and scoff deservedly at yourself and your once-lack of faith in life and Fate's blessings in disguise. 3. It wasn't a destination, let alone a dream one. It was a stepping-stone. However, if you'd known that at the time then you probably wouldn't have bothered going there in the first place. And if you hadn't, we wouldn't be having this conversation and you wouldn't be that much closer in fast-tracked stylee to the 'birth' that all these painful 'contractions' are leading to. LIKE childbirth, there's a finite number before the newborn pops out. So it's not 'OMG, here comes another one!', it's 'One down, only X left to go (nearly there!)'. 4. Start all over again, my a*se. This ain't Snakes & Ladders. It's a process in the form of a path. One you needed in terms of what's always been in store. No work, no perk. The bigger the work, the bigger the perk. Hurrah for agony! 5. "And now as I approach 40, I just don't have the energy and drive to make the changes I need to make." No. Probably because you're still in hospital - Intensive Care - at this premature point. Patience, glasshopper. The process goes at its OWN speed, not yours. WHEN you're ready to be discharged, all healed, you'll find to your surprise you have BAGS of energy! Because you'll no longer have that emotional vampire attached to your neck and her droppings caked onto your ankle. 6. Oh, and having someone love you is not a 'dream'. It's an unavoidable, like sneezing. It can be delayed by the VERY determined (chicken/issue-ridden). But not for long. 7. You don't make friends any more than you go, 'Right, got me shopping list - where's the Woman store?'. It's another part of the process you're in, meaning, it'll happen TO you when you're ripe for it. Right now you need to sit and do your homework (replay the last two relationship tapes and work it all out) without any non-vital distractions. What you're doing is lumping everything together in your mind as if these changes/achievements should all happen in one fell swoop, meaning, TOO HUGE, TOO MUCH LIKE HARD WORK, I'M EXHAUSTED JUST THINKING ABOUT IT! Doesn't happen like that. It comes in manageable little bites, like a Petit Degustations menu. 8. Similarly... "It takes years to find and cultivate a relationship." No it doesn't. It USED to. Are you still 2, still in nappies, still refusing to use the big boy's toilet? There you go, then. That past experience was then and this is now - two completely different kettles of fish. 9. "So alone, I have to start the job hunt." Says who? "I have to put myself out there and move again. To another city." Says who? "To no friends." ...Here, can *I* borrow that incredible crystal-ball after you've finished with it? I repeat: you did NOT walk down the aisle still wearing Pampers and sucking your thumb, covered in teenage acne. 10. "But like I said, I am exhausted from the emotional hell of the past three years. I am exhausted from years of a doctoral program, postdocs, and low paying academic jobs. I am just exhausted and want to give up the fight." Then stop pressuring and hurrying yourself and take a damn nap. (Ever heard of the modern-day parable of the bear stranded on the ledge of the bridge?) Listen, I don't hold your perfectly understandable and expectable ignorance against you. But YOU do. Stop it at once and have a little more faith.

I am not sure what your ramblings were meant to convey...perhaps a little support? If so, you failed. Your comment is not helpful. But whatever..................

"What-evaaaa". Are you listening to yourself? Where do you think you are - MacDonald's? You're a visitor on my turf, getting RL-chargeable advice and forecasts totally free-of-charge, so you'll get what you need, not what you (merely think) you want. If you don't like tough-love encouragement, in your case simply because you're not ready for it or were looking purely for brick walls and "there-theres", at least have the adult good grace and decorum to say a polite thank-you or nothing at all, not start lobbing highly petulant little missiles. Did you ever talk to your wife like that, by the way? Or do you just save it for total strangers who are trying only to help you? THINK ON. Saying that, on some VERY slim chance that 'ramblings' pertains to the lack of paragraph breaks - FY Ungrateful I, that's a system glitch which the owner's rectified but which missing formatting unfortunately can't be re-instated after the fact. So I'm going to paste it in again with its original formatting. If your Lordship doesn't want it, trust me there are plenty of lurkers in your boat who will. ************* "9 years ago I fell in love with my wife. And 9 years now I am divorced. " Que? Well anyway... "After finding out about it, I spent the past two years trying to get her to change. To stop. She would say she loved me and wanted to save our marriage but continued to lie and cheat. " Mouth says A, actions - the deciders - say Z. She may as well have said through a huge mouthful of Haagen-Dazs, "I HATE ice-cream!". So why did you keep listening to what was obviously complete hot-air ollocks? Or is this why: ""9 years ago I fell in love with my [second] wife. And 9 years now I am divorced [from my first wife]" ? It's all very well trying to convince yourself and everyone that you're a get-straight-back-on-the-horse merchant but, if you're not then what you tend to end up doing is choosing a semi-lame one. 'Ah... SHE can't buck me - I'm safe!' Er. NO. You're even UN-safer on a semi-lame one because, as you've found out, eventually the gammy leg buckles, meaning, you get thrown off ANYWAY (as the horse topples over onto its side). And then, if you insist on climbing back on again and again, you get toppled off again and again. Obviously YOU were semi-lame at that juncture (the divorce trauma). But your leg injury was always going to be recoverable over time. Like THINKS he's attracted Like, found company for the recovery path, but hasn't. Common mistake. Common 'cost'. Here's the (overly) common outcome: 1. You have wasted NOTHING and 'had on hold' NOTHING. You've learned to the max. and come out wiser. That whole barrel-ful of knowledge is going to be your magic wand when (not if) you meet your ultimate soulmate and hit the usual bumpy parts of the relationship path. You and your dream woman - the one that makes all exes looks like PANTS - will positively raise a glass to exipoo-poos in abject gratitude for that perverse mental-gym workout! One of those invaluable lessons is called, how to nip buds as soon as they appear. Another is called, how to cut back thorn-bushes without getting scratched (even where only those that resulted from her last partner's failure to nip what were once buds). Another is called, how to cease playing armchair therapist-type rescuer and leave the host and the dis-ease to the professionals. Another.. how to be less tolerant and understanding when the person you're attempting to rescue from their deep, muddy hole tries to use your proffered hand of help merely to pull you IN (misery loves company). I could go on (and onandonandon). 2. Alone my a*se. Stick around, read the currents and the archives. Another bus-load of betrayees will be along any minute, guaranteed! Or stay right here and make this your recuperations diary. And then read your thread back after 6 months and scoff deservedly at yourself and your once-lack of faith in life and Fate's blessings in disguise. 3. It wasn't a destination, let alone a dream one. It was a stepping-stone. However, if you'd known that at the time then you probably wouldn't have bothered going there in the first place. And if you hadn't, we wouldn't be having this conversation and you wouldn't be that much closer in fast-tracked stylee to the 'birth' that all these painful 'contractions' are leading to. LIKE childbirth, there's a finite number before the newborn pops out. So it's not 'OMG, here comes another one!', it's 'One down, only X left to go (nearly there!)'. 4. Start all over again, my a*se. This ain't Snakes & Ladders. It's a process in the form of a path. One you needed in terms of what's always been in store. No work, no perk. The bigger the work, the bigger the perk. Hurrah for agony! 5. "And now as I approach 40, I just don't have the energy and drive to make the changes I need to make." No. Probably because you're still in hospital - Intensive Care - at this premature point. Patience, glasshopper. The process goes at its OWN speed, not yours. WHEN you're ready to be discharged, all healed, you'll find to your surprise you have BAGS of energy! Because you'll no longer have that emotional vampire attached to your neck and her droppings caked onto your ankle. 6. Oh, and having someone love you is not a 'dream'. It's an unavoidable, like sneezing. It can be delayed by the VERY determined (chicken/issue-ridden). But not for long. 7. You don't make friends any more than you go, 'Right, got me shopping list - where's the Woman store?'. It's another part of the process you're in, meaning, it'll happen TO you when you're ripe for it. Right now you need to sit and do your homework (replay the last two relationship tapes and work it all out) without any non-vital distractions. What you're doing is lumping everything together in your mind as if these changes/achievements should all happen in one fell swoop, meaning, TOO HUGE, TOO MUCH LIKE HARD WORK, I'M EXHAUSTED JUST THINKING ABOUT IT! Doesn't happen like that. It comes in manageable little bites, like a Petit Degustations menu. 8. Similarly... "It takes years to find and cultivate a relationship." No it doesn't. It USED to. Are you still 2, still in nappies, still refusing to use the big boy's toilet? There you go, then. That past experience was then and this is now - two completely different kettles of fish. 9. "So alone, I have to start the job hunt." Says who? "I have to put myself out there and move again. To another city." Says who? "To no friends." ...Here, can *I* borrow that incredible crystal-ball after you've finished with it? I repeat: you did NOT walk down the aisle still wearing Pampers and sucking your thumb, covered in teenage acne. 10. "But like I said, I am exhausted from the emotional hell of the past three years. I am exhausted from years of a doctoral program, postdocs, and low paying academic jobs. I am just exhausted and want to give up the fight." Then stop pressuring and hurrying yourself and take a damn nap. (Ever heard of the modern-day parable of the bear stranded on the ledge of the bridge?) Listen, I don't hold your perfectly understandable and expectable ignorance against you. But YOU do. Stop it at once and have a little more faith.

i understand totally what u are talking about. trying to pick yourself up and going through it all again at 40. I have been married for 20 years with a husband who i wished would work and help me pay bills.that is all I ask from him and nothing more. I have been loyal all this years and now i say i cannot support him anymore and i am the nasty person. I have to start thinking about moving out and starting life all over again at 45. it is not easy and i am scared and doubtful and self esteem is very low. i wish u all the best.

It's impossible to go through it all again because there's no such thing as a time-machine to take you back to the same place at the same age, mentality and experiences, and date the same idiot(s). If you did end up replicating events then that would show you were still caught in the past and - literally, mentally - had never really caught up with the future or the future (current) you. That was then. This is now, a whole different ball-game. For instance, you don't have to make any choice compromises this time round because you don't need his bun/her oven nor a co-parent or replacement parent, meaning, you get to choose someone who has EXACTLY what you - JUST YOU - want and need. It's bliss! IF/WHEN you're ready, that is. And you have no legal pressure to marry, either (no shared kids needing potential financial protection under abandonment). You're 'the nasty person' because, as he sees it, you led him into believing that you were fine about being the one to support him now and ALWAYS. Why he thought any woman would choose a life as Tarzan to his Jane, god only knows. You'd have to interview all the pertinent people from his past to know that, to know who it was let him behave like that and reinforced that attitude. But obviously, you have caught up with the future. And taken stock ("WTF?!"). As was always inevitably going to be the case one day (duh to him). I doubt your self-esteem is very low or else you wouldn't be here, telling us that you're finally dumping the parasitic dud (think about it). Low on tolerance, sure. Low on confidence and self-certainty now you've realised what crud you seemingly attracted. Well, that's parasites for ya. They don't attach themselves to weak beings, think about it. ONLY THE STRONGEST AND HEALTHIEST. Just proceed slowly with caution and vigilance (secretly, in your head) rather than float completely off with the Honeymoon Fairies. And let the bloke always mirror, i.e. make a move and take steps forward at his man-sized stride before you do likewise with your LADY-SIZED, i.e. slightly smaller, stride so that you're always just slightly behind him (but not enough to discourage). And nip those buds rather than letting them grow into ruddy great thorn bushes. AND BE YOURSELF (albeit whatever best version you can comfortably maintain forever). That's it - in a nutshell. If he tries to drag you along, whereby you can't handle the pace or end up scraping your knees, or, worse, whip you faster, and won't adjust himself to suit your pace despite your alerts, or indeed, expects you to go first - let go and walk away.