Please help me

Hello, I have severe social anxiety, depression and schizoaffective disorder. Right now I am just trying to find any reason to live because I don't have one. I have attempted suicide before in the past multiple times. Right now I am living with my cat Beelzebell (she's evil sometimes) in a small but homey apartment. My family has disowned me since I attempted suicide and I don't have any real life or online friends I can go to with this. I am medicated for everything I listed, but today is an especially bad day. I had to go to my grandfathers funeral today. He passed away on December 16th due to old age. My grandfather was the only other person I had in my life. He was the only one in my whole family who still loved me and talked to me everyday. Now that he is gone I feel so alone. I drank a good bit of vodka earlier against better judgement to try and quiet down the voices and forget how much my family yelled at me at the funeral for even showing up, but now I feel so depressed and alone and I don't have a single person to talk to. Please help me. I don't want to die but I don't have the ability to find something to live for either.

I can’t imagine what you are going through. Life is hard, often not fair, and it can get to us all. I would recommend you see a professional about this. I am not a professional counselor or therapist, but I would like to give you some words from my heart to yours. Your grandfather would want you to live. Think about what he might say. What would his advice be? He did not give up on you, so don’t give up on yourself. Suicide is not the answer. Please do your best to make him and yourself proud. I hope this helps.

I am so sorry for your grandfathers loss, and for the way your family is treating you. I will try to stay on here and talk with you if you would like.

you can possibly quiet down the voices when you decide that "you" are more important then the voices - then - to give grounding to this "you" - give yourself goals to strive towards and realise : even small insignificant goals can do - as simple as taking good care of your appartment, your cat and most of all yourself (healthy food, good sleep and plenty naps, good care of your body) - treat yourself with kindness- go outside for walks in nature or park as often as possible : nature is a very healing environment as for a reason to live : to be alive is one - try happiness for a change - just for the sake of happiness - try and discover or re-discover how it is to feel good about yourself and life in general suicide is attempted to when one thinks there is no other option available any more : it seems to be the last way of "getting out" : getting out of what ? getting away from what ? from yourself ? can't you handle your moods and emotions ? take a back seat and consider those to be hormonal/chemical balances or imbalances - their purpose is to alert you to the fact you're not at peace with yourself - that you're in disagreement : find out why - try and get down to the root cause - the very one thing that is important over all else for you to feel good about yourself - not the situation : situations come and go and change as well as moods and atmosphere : you can be the "unchangeable" amidst it all - steady in your resolve to feel balanced and grounded be aware that some medications can augment depression and suicidal tendencies : lower the doses if that is the case or look for another more appropriate medication : anything that promotes mental and physical health can contribute to taking less medication - unless the condition is too severe - know too that anything that has a high - has a low : strive to keep in the middle as for your family - that's not cool they reject you for having attempted suicide as it is not cool they yelled at you for coming to the funeral - but then - that's them - not you : your life doesn't depend on them liking you or not - of course it's better when having good relations but the first relationship you have is with yourself - you can not change them but you can change you for you to better suit yourself (respectful of course of others and the situation) : it's about each owning up to their responsibilities there is a difference between feeling lonely and being alone : one can be alone and never feel lonely because there is so much to feel connected to : life - the birds - nature - the moment : once more - the pleasure of being alive with so much life around - to feel lonely is to feel disconnected : you are not if you need to talk - please do here : there are many willing to share some quality time with you take care :)