What to do now?

I like to be around people but I like being alone. I believe I have social anxiety, depression, and probably a lost of other things but I don't have the desire to see a therapist I've just smoked weed just about every hour of the day to sleep and not have to think about how much my life sucks and I just feel shitty about my existence. It seems like no matter what I do I always end up just making things worse for myself and those around me and I've pretty much lost every friend I've made in life. When I was 14 I locked myself in my room rigged up 2 blowtorches without having the flames ignite(i wanted it to be painless) and made my first attempt. I woke up in the hospital so needless to say that I failed. But after that incident I was lucky enough to meet someone who took the time to understand me and I was lucky enough to make it to see the age of 22. Its a blessing and a curse to know so much people but yet no one knows me. I wake up everyday asking what my purpose is and I can never answer every girl I've dated resents me now. I can't hold on to any type of relationship anymore and I'm just lost.

You probably need to see a psychiatrist. Whether you are going to be capable of doing that with what all you are describing about your situation, I don't know. I wasn't able to do that when I was about 28 and having a multitude of problems, like depression, anxiety, anger. I was in that state for several weeks, I'll guess, and finally had a nervous breakdown and had to go to a psychiatrist, wondering if I would ever recover. You don't want it to get that bad. Learn from my mistakes. You could go to see one and just see what he or she thinks might be your situation. You don't have to agree to any treatments, just go and see what they think. Look in your phone book or computer yellow pages for your town, look among the listings for psychiatrists, and pick one. Just have a helper to talk to and see what they think. If you can't afford one, look up in the yellow pages in your phone book or on your computer, under something like, "free medical help" for your hometown, and see what is listed for psychiatry. If there is an information # under "free medical help," call the number and tell them you want to know about free medical help for psychiatry, and see what they say. As I tell my psychiatrist sometime about those times I was in your condition: I just didn't help myself. I tell my psychiatrist, "Looking for a helping hand? What about the one on the end of your arm?" What I mean is, I didn't do anything to help myself during those tough times. I recommend you do something to help yourself. Calm down. Write down the phone number. Make the call. Get the appointment. And then you can bitch all you want. "We learn when we fall down. We die when we don't get back up." You have fallen down. Everyone is wondering if you're going to get back up.