Life, depression. loneliness, unemployment, family issues, finding myself

I'll try to get to the point, I think if you read this, you'll understand me more than most of my friends do. 22 year old male. I feel very lonely like no one understands me, although I have hundreds of friends and see them regularly, we don't really talk about our feelings all the time, it's more like have some laughs and use them to escape my reality. Sometimes I feel like I put on mask to hide flaws. Everything seems like it's not worth it anymore. Although I am not suicidal I sometimes just want life to be over. Like everything I do is work, like putting off going to the doctors even though it could be serious. I always result in escaping reality with distractions like tv-shows, games and going out and never focusing on the task. I recently graduated from my bachelors degree with below average marks, but none the less, looking for job is always a struggle, and kind of losing motivation. It makes me really feel embarrassed and ashamed I am currently not working. I am also ashamed of many things like not owning a car. My family is awful, divorced parents, fine at first, but as my family is not in great such financial state, I feel ashamed to even bring people over. Our house is disgusting and I cannot clean it for myself or do I want to clean it for other people by myself. My brother who lives with us is currently the only person I genuinely . He does nothing but stay in his room, I believe I should not surround myself with people like this. He is complete opposite of who I would like to become. My mother and I are having a fight, because it's been years and I cannot continue to live with my brother who has brought us nothing but grief. I believe nothing will change unless my mum makes it change. Every time my mum even tries to help him, he starts an argument, and it gets to the point where my mum wants to sell the house and live without him just so he can fend for himself and change. I believe this is foolish as we are all getting punished. My mum is also someone who is unmotivated, she doesn't do anything she doesn't like, so for years she avoiding these kind of topics and praying he will change without doing anything. My brother however sometimes threatens to kill my mum and me if he has no place to live. I do think this is plausible because someone who has nothing to live for (we have had philosophical debate) and probably is content to pass away, would I assume might harm my mother and me. I literally have dreams very conflicting dreams about killing my brother and then scared as my life will be ruined by going to jail, which I do not believe this is healthy at all. I think what I do what's best for me is to leave the house, start anew. But that would need firstly a job and income and secondly, leaving my mother with my brother which I feel would be impossible as they don't get along. I also feel like I am responsible for taking care of my mother when she reaches retirement, as we are not in such great financial situation and she doesn't do anything to improve it. I could tell more continue forever, but they revolve around the same themes of embarrassment, and low self-worth. And please avoid telling me something like who cares what people think, I do really love the person I am, even the egotistical side. Please tell me any kind of advice or even share your opinions. Thanks so much for reading.

could it be you're ashamed of not being as "the average Mr everyone" or not fitting in "the American dream" ? not finding a job, not having a car, not being right now right here 200% successful : is it your thinking you must be this or that - that determines how you feel ? even though your family is not amongst the "rich" ones - you still have a home : if it's messy why can't you clean up ? one can be poor and still have one's decency and sense of integrity I don't have enough information about your brother but from what I understand he's not very involved with living his life actively and positively your mother seems to "wait for fate" to change things nobody seems to really "take the bull by the horns" - sit down together and lay it all out on the table - to get it into the open so one can find a solution all seems to just simmer on : that's why there seem to be "boiling points" that are attained with threats of harming and killing oneself or another - because the real topics are not discussed and so some (your brother) take advantage of it by manipulating the situation - those things systematically happen when a situation is corrupt indeed it would be good for you to leave the house if you can because toxic situations are contagious - and even though you seem to "flee and hide" in gaming - tv-shows and seeing your friends - you know as well that those are but superficial ways to not think about the problem at hand - a problem that doesn't go away if you think that this is not your problem really but the one relating to your brother and your mother and the way they handle their relation - and you find it gets you depressed - then you have to move on and move out - you can not hold yourself responsible for two people who are no longer children when your mother reaches retirement - you will then see what you can do about that (maybe then you will have found a job with sufficient income and settled down in a place of your own) : how old is she and when will she be retiring ? it's not by staying in a place where you can not healthily spread your wings that you will be able to help your mother - and if your brother and your mother don't get along - they will have to deal with that : why you ? your feelings of embarrassment and low self-worth seem to be more related to the situation involving you mother and brother (and messy home) then to you : put yourself first - you can not help someone from drowning if you don't have something to hold on yourself :)

Thank you a lot for your reply, I appreciate it. Yes its somewhat I believe I am not the average, but even below the average, I think I am conflicted as one half of me is extremely egotistical in a way, but the other half really doesn't care about those things. (My egotistical roots come from my desire to be loved or needed. And in society where most people want to be rich or 'successful', I want to valued, admired and important and therefore want to be rich and successful too.) I do not clean my home up because my mother and brother do not do anything but make it messy again. And they won't even help, it feels like No, My brother is not living his life at all really, He is not looking for a job, or studying, or receiving any income, I do not think he has been out for years other than short trips. I doubt he has any friends. Maybe talking it out is the best idea, but I do not see it happening. He openly admitted he wanted to make our lives hard, the best option we ever got was is having him do his own dishes. Anything else would result in something like "why should I care?" It's a problem that my mother and I want him gone, but she cannot kick him out, (both due to threats and being a mother). I have nothing to do in this situation just see him as another eyesore and expense. However I think both are counterproductive to reaching the goal of the person I would like to become. She is 56 years old, so it shouldn't be too long, but she won't be able to get anything income stream or lump sum from retirement, It's a very big deal but she doesn't treat it as one. I don't think that the root of all my problems is in my family, although that is one toxic situation. I just feel ashamed and weird as I also don't fit in really anywhere. It seems like the things I'm good at no one cares about, and the things other people care about I'm not really good at. I do believe though that most my problems can be fix but money, both intrinsically and extrinsically. Thanks again for the help

It sounds like everything radiates from your mother. 1. You say, "My mum is also someone who is unmotivated, she doesn't do anything she doesn't like, so for years she avoiding these kind of topics and praying he will change." 2. You say your brother lacks motivation. 3. You say you don't feel like getting a job. 4. Have you checked for a leak in the gas line? I think all of you have been gassed, and it's about to wipe out the family. I would get the heck out of there. Call the gas company. 5. It seems like everyone emulates the mother. So let's take a look at the mother. What kind of home did she come up in? Was she abused in anyway? 6. You have a college degree. You want to get out of the house. But you don't want to get a job. I think there's gas in the house. Have you checked the hot water heater for a leak? 7. You say you want a car, but you don't want to get a job to pay for one. Maybe it's the stove. Look under the stove and see if that's where it's coming from. 8. I think the whole place if fixing to blow. 9. You say you're sick, but you don't want to go to the doctor. 10. You say you want to make good grades, but you don't want to go to class. No, that was me in college, I'm sorry. I didn't go class, not often enough anyway, because I didn't graduate, like you did. 11. I think it's in the gas line. I think I must have had that in my college dorm room, because I couldn't get to class often enough. 12. What do you think is going on? 13. Is this some kind of psychological condition? 14. Is there any chance in hell you could get to a psychiatrist to see what they think? 15. I think the first thing you should do is get to a physical doctor for your ailment. 16. Why do you put off gong to the doctor. If you could ever figure that out, you could figure out all of your problems? 17. If you stay in that environment you're not going to make it. 18. Call the gas company.