Married and confused

So it all started about 8-9 years ago. I met a guy that was totally different than any other. He's always been one of my best friends, we've always had so much fun together. And I've always been in love with him. We dated in high school briefly, but due to stupid problems like I was leaving for college we broke up. The thing is, I met someone very shortly after we broke up. (My husband now). Long story short- I got married because we had a child when I was 19. We now have 2 kids & I am 21. This guy from high school (let's just call him "D") has never left my life. He's always been in contact with me, we can't seem to leave eachother alone no matter how hard we try. He's now a Dad and dating one of my old friends. Okay here's the major proven: in October of this year for whatever reason I decided to see him, and we didn't have sex or anything but we did kiss. My husband and I were talking about divorce at the time.. So I saw him a few days later again. Same thing. After this time D tells me that he doesn't want to lose his family and we need to stop. For a month we didn't talk and then somehow we brought ourselves back to the same place and a few days ago met up again and hooked up. More than kissing this time. I feel so horribly guilty. I love my husband, atleast I thought I did. I won't lie, I've always questioned getting married young. I'm only 21. And now I realize I love D too. I'm a horrible person, this I know. But I have no idea what to do. I can't imagine not talking to D ever again. I think if I weren't a stay at home mom still in college with no money I would do what is probably best and leave my husband but for me that seems so hard. I have nowhere to go and nothing without him.

First, I'm sorry you're going through all this turmoil. I know it feels very complicated and stressful. But you are very young, so you have time to make things right and find the life you want. When things are complicated, breaking them down into points can help sometimes. *You have been having an emotional affair the entire time you have been married. *This recently became a physical affair as well. *It is a betrayal. You would not want it done to you. *You say you cannot live without D. *D has asked you to back off for the good of his family. You didn't. *You are married. Your husband will not tolerate ANY relationship with D when he knows your feelings. *He will find out, and you should be the one to tell him. *Do you love your husband? If so, you know what you must do. If you do not, you also know what you must do. *You cannot let your own fear keep you from doing the right thing for everyone involved, including D's wife. She is also a person. I understand that you feel you need your husband financially, but at what point are you using him and is that fair? Would you want to be used for your money and stability or do you want to be with someone who is crazy in love with you and only you? Don't you think your husband also wants this? *You can make it on your own if that's what you want. You can. There are government programs, churches and charitable organizations dedicated to young mothers. They are meant to be used. People are not.

I do love my husband. I just am not sure if I'm IN love with him anymore. I'm afraid to tell him because I never wanted to hurt him, I'm afraid because I cannot take care of my kids by myself, I'm afraid because I don't know where to go. I know my fear shouldn't stop me from doing the right thing but it really has me at a lost. I just want my kids happy and healthy and properly taken care of including financially.