Choosing John

John and I started dating about a year ago now, however my parents did not approve what so ever. I lived with John and his family because of the tension that was going on between me and my parents. Of course, my luck, John and I got pregnant. He is young, not fully matured, didn't know his head from his ass... But I truly did love him and I felt free with him. All my life I have battled with depression and anxiety, having controlling and judgmental parents did not help. So when I was with John it was like I was free to be myself and do what truly made myself happy. When John and I found out we were going to have a baby, like most people we were scared shitless. It was ruining our relationship. It did ruin us. Not the baby but the stress because my family was never going to accept him... His family loves me and were more than supportive. My family loves me and were more than supportive, but they insisted that I would be in better hands if I moved back in with them to get "back on my feet" and they would help me get to where I needed to be. At the time a break from John and the stress sounded great. Moving out did NOT help at all. My parents instantly went back to trying to control my situation. Im 20... they still treat me like I am incapable of doing or making any decision on my own. To say the least, the beginning of my pregnancy sucked. John and I became too distant, he turned to partying and drugs and just loser friends because he pretty much had lost me, and all I really had was my Mom and Dad so of course they were going to see John and my problems get to me. Which I'm sure they thought was just more power towards them because their little girl was back under their control... John kept spiraling out of control making defending him very difficult, we ended up breaking up. He completely lost himself through this situation, and turned into an entirely different person. Verbally violent with me and harassing me and my family, out of anger from the break up. My family suggested getting a restraining order on John so I could finish my pregnancy stress free and without him being able to contact me I would be able to focus on my self and my baby. It has been 2 months since the restraining order has been in place... Im having his baby in less than a month. I love him and miss him dearly and I want to lift the restraining order and work it out with him so when our son arrives we can parent together and follow through with what we had started. I want John to be in the delivery room, and I want John to be given the chance to be a father because I feel that I would regret taking that away from him for the rest of my life. I discussed this with my parents, and they gave me the ultimatum, to choose John or them.... Honestly HOW DOES ANY ONE CHOOSE???? Their defense is he is a gang banger that does drugs and broke my heart and chose to run wild while I carried his child. My defense is, if it were me I would want to be given the chance to make up for my horrible mistakes. SO... Help Am I being selfish for wanting John to be their for the birth of our son, and try to work things out for our families sake? Or do I choose my parents, and take what they think into consideration, and keep the restraining order in place.

do you think does john want to be there? have you talked to him? your parents would let him be there with you, under the stipulation that this doesn't mean you are getting back together?

sorry cut and paste casualty. should read: "does john want to be there? have you talked to him? do you think your parents would let him be there with you, under the stipulation that this doesn't mean you are getting back together?"

This sounds complicated and I don't know if my advice is useful. but here's my take on it... For better or worse, John is going to be a part of your life from now on. He is the father of your child. And if you love him and want to work it out with him I think your parents should be supportive of this. Even so - It sounds like your parents just have your best interest on their mind. Both you and John are very young and he sounds quite irresponsible and unreliable. Drugs and verbal abuse and harrassing you would concern me to if I were your parent, and it's a bit worrying that there has been a need for a restraining order. I think you make a lot of excuses for John - he turned to drugs and loser friends "because of the break up" - he became abusive "out of anger from the break up". he may be young but he needs to assume responsibility for how he reacts to things. If you want to take him back or let him in your infant childs life he needs to reassure you that he will be responsible and behave himself. if he continues with abusive behaviour and drugs he can not be a part of the babys life. Don't you think your parents might accept him back if he could commit to these conditions? At least to try it out? Your parents ultimatum sounds unfair - nobody should have to make that choice. But then again...I don't know John and he may be even more unstable than you describe him. They may seriously be worried for the babys or your or their own safety. If John is really that troubled then I don't know. You gotta make that call. But I think you should sit down with John and lay some ground rules. He can come back IF he behaves. Your parents will hopefully accept. And then some councelling could be a good idea - for John to deal with his own issues but perhaps also for the two of you together.