An embarrassing event from a long time ago that has been secret but need to tell

I am a middle aged woman now in my 40's. This happened a long time ago when I was in my mid-20's. I have always been embarrassed about what happened so hopefully getting it off my chest will get it out of my mind. I have never even told my best friend. It bothers me every time I think about it and I still think about it all the time. I showed up to an appointment at my hair solon. My stylist was running behind and apologized. They had just started offering a massage service and she told me that I could get a free massage while I waited for my appointment. I was in my 20's and had never had a massage before and took them up on their offer. I went to the massage room and the massage therapist was male and probably a few years older than me. He told me he would leave the room for me to undress to my comfort and get on the massage table under the sheets face-down. I asked him how far most people undressed and he said most people completely undressed. He left the room, so I removed all clothing and got on the massage table under the sheets. A minute or 2 later he re-entered the room and began the massage. I don't remember anything significant in the beginning, but after a few minutes he leaned over the massage table where my hand was at the edge of the table. I immediately pulled my hand in but a few minutes later it happened again and I could tell it was his crotch area rubbing against my hand. I again pulled my hand in and wondered if this was an accident or purposeful. Besides him leaning over my hand the rest of the massage so far seemed professional from what I knew (this was my first massage so much of this was new to me). A few more minutes into the massage he moved to my legs and as he moved up my legs, the sheets moved up. He got to the point where he was massaging my butt and I was pretty sure I was exposed from about my waist down. It was pretty dark in the room, but I'm pretty sure he could see everything. I thought about saying something, but the way he touched me felt very good and I wasn't sure what was a "normal" massage. As he moved to the inside of my thighs I began getting aroused about the same time I determined that this massage had crossed the line of professional to inappropriate. But for some reason I couldn't say anything. As he moved closer to my private parts it did feel very good at that moment. I was between boyfriends and had not been touched there in a while. At this point I was very wet and I think he could tell. He leaned over the table again and his crotch area touched my hand again but this time I didn't pull away and I could tell he was hard. I don't think a lot more details are necessary at this point but basically he went back to my private area and touched me inside and then asked me if I wanted to turn over. I said yes and turned over. At this point I could see that the sheet was covering only my boobs and part of my stomach. But I was so aroused at this point I didn't care anymore. He pulled down his pants (not even all the way off) and entered me. I never said no. I never said stop. At the time it did feel good. But I felt horrible afterwards. That was the first time I had ever had sex with somebody without a condom the first time. And I didn't even know the guy. He thanked me as I left the room. A few days later I even got a thank you card from him so he must have gotten my address from the solon. I never went back to that solon. I have gotten many massages since then but I refuse to let the massage therapist be male. I try to justify my actions by it being my first massage, didn't know how it was supposed to happen, between boyfriends, etc. but I still know I should have stopped what happened at the beginning. I still have many emotions about that day that I don't understand and most of them are very negative. I am embarrassed and have never shared this with anybody. I'm hoping that if I share anonymously to get it off my chest I can move on or forget about it or at least quit thinking about it all the time. Thank you for listening.

Your purpose is to get it off from your chest or forget about that event. You must have an emotional skills that can control your psychology, in order to do that you must dedicate or commit time/effort to practice the emotional skills by watching a lot of reprogramming sub-conscious mind topics in youtube. It is very easy to search and watch those topics but the most difficult one is to practice it everyday and accept it as part of your daily routine......Hope this help.

Was this the best sex you have had? Is that the real reason after 20 years you think about it? Stop the excuses you did what you wanted to do at the time. You said "I was so aroused at this point I didn't care anymore" This was an experience you had which you enjoyed,what is there to be embarrassed about? Exactly what are your negative emotions? Did you at any point feel scared? Did you ever feel you had been raped? Is it that you feel you should have stopped it but didn't?

ProblemTolerance: Yes, get it off my mind AND forget about the event or at least stop thinking about it. I do see a few YouTube videos on "reprogramming your subconscious mind". To be honest they seem a little silly, but I'll watch some and give it a chance. SkinnyGirl: No, not the best sex at all. I'm not sure what was going through my mind at the time - like too much going on a short time with a lot of emotion. It did feel good at the time and I did want it (in my fantasy mind I hoped he would keep going, but thought it would stay a fantasy?), but as soon as it was over I had major regrets. I'm embarrassed because I don't want anybody to know that I did that, that I let it happen, that I didn't say no or try to stop it. My negative emotions are embarrassment, guilt, feeling dirty, feeling used. I didn't really feel scared except he wasn't wearing a condom, and I wasn't exactly on track with my pill and I didn't know if I would get a disease from him or if he did this to other women or how clean he was. I was also a little scared when I got the "thank you" from him in the mail because he knew where I lived. I don't really feel raped, but I kind of do. It wasn't rape because I didn't say no or try to stop him, but afterwords I did feel in my own mind that I was somehow tricked and taken advantage of, so in that way it kind of did feel like rape. I feel like I should have stopped because I knew it wasn't appropriate. I think if it had stopped at the point where he asked me if I wanted to turn over (like if I would have said "no" to turn over it probably would have stopped or at least not gone all the way) then the whole thing would have ended up being a turn-on. Or even if he just gave me orgasm by touching me or penetrating with just his fingers I would have been fine with the rest. But him cumming inside me is a whole different level, at least to me. And at that second it felt physically good (and yes, I came too) but in the 30 seconds after that, I realized what I thought would be a fantasy turned real and that's not what I expected and didn't want in real life and I felt like a slut but that I was kind of tricked into it.

One thing, you should have called the law. How many other women were fixing to go through the same thing that you did? I've never heard of a business which said to unsusecting women , "While you're waiting, we've got a man in the next room who is going to sexually molest you under the pretense of giving you a massage. And you may get a disease from it, and it may conflict with your morals?" You could have sued them for that. You had a conflict between how good it felt and how wrong it was. Any sex contact is going to feel good, but that doesn't man it's right. Without the consent of the other partner, its collusion, it's seduction, it's misleading, it's corrupt. If I tell you I'm gong to sell you car insurance, and instead I sell you life insurance, that's corrupt. You were flim-flamed to the highest order. You went in for a hairdo and were made to feel like a flousey. You were molested. Your body was attacked, your morals. You had a good time, but you were tricked into it. If it happens again, you can say no, I don't want a massage. I came here for a hairdo. You can then call the police, who can send a woman in to see what sort of scam they have going on, maybe see how far this guy is going, and have him arrested, and the shop charged also. Part of what you are feeling is anger that you were tricked. By feeling guilt, it shows your emotions are going on. If you felt anger, it shows your emotions are going out toward the messiure. You felt guilty that you enjoyed it, but yet it was him who applied the pressure in certain places. He didn't ask you if you wanted any of this. It was his fault. He was a scam artist, and you fell for it, and you feel guilty that you fell for it.