Overwhelmed

I am so stressed, I've never posted before but I feel is the only place I have now. I had an 11 month relationship with my boyfriend who I have known for 2 years. The thing started when he broke up with me over a text message when we had been almost a year together, we broke up and then he told me he was sorry he came to my house with presents and crying so I forgave him and we got back together, a week after that he cheated on me (we had had sex but with her it was just a kiss -still cheating for me-) so whatever I swore to myself that it was the end of us and shit and it was. When I found out we talked for like 4 hours and he told me he regretted it and he didn't know what he was doing, that he was at a club drunk and his friends lead him into that and he was so so sorry and he hated himself for it and he didn't want to lose me and that he would never forgive himself and shit but it was too much so that was the last time we spoke. A week later he told me that his father was ill, if I could come to the hospital and I ofc said yes and went there. Turns out his father has cancer. My ex boyfriend was really depressed and asked me if I could stay with him for a few days, I said yes but just as a moral support not as a girlfriend because I had not forgiven him but I still cared about him (ofc it had only been a week) and I wanted to help in what I could. The thing is that everything got so weird from that I don't know what to do anymore, I'm so stressed all the time because he is seriously really sad and cries that he cannot loose his father and me too and all kind of stuff and I try to be there for him but I still cannot forgive him, even though I have read A LOT of cheating experiences and I actually believe he can change but in order to forgive him I need him to be there for me and give me attention and shit and he cannot commit that much because of his father situation and I cannot blame him for that but he is super emotional now and if I wanted to forgive him this is not what I needed but I don't wanna be the asshole that leaves him alone when his father is sick I don't know what to do anymore. I don't wanna lose him either but I cannot force myself to forgive him if I'm not getting what I need in order to do so, and it's not his fault that I'm not getting it. And (because I have gotten this before) I'm not a confused child, I'm over the legal age, I have my years. Sorry for my English, I'm not an English speaker, any advice is welcome!

Hey, That's a really tough situation. It's horrible when something like family illness crops up and complicates and already complicated situation. I feel like you have to figure out would you forgive him and let him have a second chance if his father wasn't ill? Or is it pity and the fact you don't like to see someone you care about hurt? There's so much emotions going around just now that everything will be blurred. Are you just there to support him as someone who cares or are you there as his partner knowing he cheated but can change? Nobody can tell you what to do with this. You'll have to think what's best for you and what you want. Hope all goes well

Hello, I agree, that's a really rough situation. If anything, just try to be there for your ex-boyfriend, but do not forgive him out of pity. That is the worst mistake you could possibly make. If you want to forgive him, give it time and see how he responds once he's calmed down. Although it sounds like turbulent relationship with him, so that might be something you should be wary of. I hope everything works out(:

It sounds as if he didn't know his father had cancer when he "broke up with you" and then (yes) cheated on you. So what has it now, all of a sudden, got to do with the price of fish? NOTHING! Talking of nothing: Nothing's his fault, is it. Even when it so is. There too many men out there who DON'T play Poker with their supposedly one good thing, no matter HOW misleading or negatively interpretable a text exchange element or HOW drunk they get or HOW relentless their mates' goading might be. It's called, 'Give it a rest, you lot, or I'm going home! I've got a steady girlfriend and am no cheater AND YOU KNOW IT!', and, before that, 'No, thanks, I'll pass, I've had 4 pints already'. And there are also men who don't try to use the sudden news of their own father's illness as their Get Out Of Jail Free card (bleugh!). I mean, I notice his father at that point undoubtedly feeling ill, even if not yet tested and diagnosed, wasn't enough to make him NOT feel like going on a jolly bender with "the lads" to begin with, right? Funny that. But if he WANTS to bounce off the walls, he can do it on his OWN time and ricochet onto no-one but himself! The truth is, what's happening with his father has zero to do with the fact that, whether permanently or just at this particular stage of his development, he's too immature, too lacking in morals and any sense of responsibility for his own actions and consequences, and too emotionally manipulative to be any good as anyone's serious boyfriend. "It wasn't me, it was that bit in your text"...."It wasn't me, it was the alcohol and the lads going on and on at me"... "I can't talk about what I did and apologise and vow never to behave like that again and cement that with all corresponding indications herewith - my dad's ill". Indeed, he should be forgiven only out of his genuine *contrition*, not because of a sudden situational development that had no bearing on his choices at the time, anyway. If anything, he's using the latter as a convenient way to completely *sidestep* the former and get away with his actions, scott-free. So... Show him pity? Pff, I'll show him 'pity'! It's a PITY he didn't have any PITY for *YOU* and how *YOU'D* feel, before he went and cruelly told you it was over when it wasn't and then snogged another woman at a pub ONLY A WEEK AFTER SO-CALLED APOLOGISING, Big Fat EH! And a PITY that he would try to use the sacrilegious (one's parent being seriously ill) as some side-opportunity to gain retrospective free license for having behaved like a CAD and thereby in the process dodge all future barricades against such! Treating his father's illness like his trump card. UGH. Just UGH. He needs you now, oh, yes. But did he need you BEFORE? Clearly not. Did you need him to treat your so-called connection with the reverence you thought it automatically deserved or warranted? NOPE! Is he conciliatory, cooperative and seemingly respectful and reverent only the minute HE needs something? Looks that way, doesn't it. Dump the dud.

(duh) Sorry - edit: He needs you now, oh, yes. But did he need you BEFORE? Clearly not. Did you need him to treat your so-called connection with the reverence you thought it automatically deserved or warranted? YUP! Is he conciliatory, cooperative and seemingly respectful and reverent only the minute HE needs something? Looks that way, doesn't it. Dump the dud.