How can we move forward?

Hi everyone, I'm at a loss as to what to do in my relationship with my girlfriend and could really do with some advice. I've been with her for around 18 months and we would really like to live together. The issue basically comes down to finances on her side. She lives in a small flat with her daughter and gets a very good price on the rent as she has been a long standing tenant. She is worried that if she were to move out and things not go well with us then she will struggle to afford a place for her and her daughter. Her flat is very small and there really isn't enough space for me to move in with her so we would need to find a larger place together. I have asked her if she is really committed to the relationship and I believe she is but is fearful of what she would do if we were to break up. I just don't know what to do and we are on the brink of a break up over this. Tom

You guys are either committed to each other or you are not. Your GF wouldn't have doubts if she instinctively knew she was going to remain with you. Your relationship may be solid but if it was 100% rock solid, you guys would be making plans to live together comfortably without the maybes and what ifs. If your relationship is deep enough to trust each other to support each other, then your GF wouldn't be fearful of a breakup, instead, she would be looking forward to living with you and trusting you to co contribute and provide for both her and her daughter without a second thought about it.

You have to understand that this is unknown territory for us. We have a great relationship but before me she had never let anyone come close enough to her to get to know her daughter, let alone someone live with them. I don't have any children myself so this is a big step and a big change for me too. I can't guarantee that things will all work out between us if we all live together and this is why she is is reluctant. We just have to have faith that it is the right step. I can fully understand her wanting to put her daughter first. The last thing I would want is for us to break up in 12 months time and she can't afford a place to move to.

To be frank, if you can't guarantee that things will work out if you live together, then don't go there just yet. It's not your responsibility if your GF makes the decision to move in together, rather, if it happens, it's your responsibility to contribute daily to make it work...just as your GF needs to. It shouldn't be an effort, you should just instinctively need to do it. If you have any doubts about it, and you have, then you need to reassess your motivation behind it. Forget about your GF's fears, what about your fears? If you are concerned about the fallout if it fails, then you're telling us that you will feel responsible for it and the difficulty she will possibly face with finding other suitable accommodation is just one concern..however, TWO people either make or break a relationship whether they co habit together or not. . The point is, you shouldn't have to worry about unknown territory in your relationship, rather it should be a given that you and her instinctively know that you guys will work out. The act of moving in together should cement your 18 month old relationship further and bring closer together more so. It's your next step and it shouldn't have risk attached to it at this stage of your relationship regardless if your GF has kept others away from her daughter and the fact that you don't have children. If you have accepted everything about your GF and her circumstances, then you have accepted her daughter and when you accept her daughter, you are prepared to a role model and a responsible 'father figure' to her...it's that simple. When you have doubts, your instinct(your gut)is talking to you. When your gut talks to you, listen to it because it's rarely wrong. It all comes down to trust...your GF trusts you to support her and her daughter and you trust her to allow you to become closer to her and hers and be able to address that NEED to love and support a woman and her family without the fear of failure. Be true to yourself and ask yourself why you have this fear at this stage of your relationship together.