Boyfriend pressurising me about money I owe him

My boyfriend is really seeming distant at the moment. I really need help with my situation if anyone can please help me. I've lived with my boyfriend of 2 years for just over a year now and I have always had trouble getting a stable, full time job, jobs I would go for would mess me about and lower my hours and I barely managed to get by, yet I was always able to pay my half of the rent and bills. Up until December of last year I've found myself unemployed and really struggling, even to a point of not paying my half of everything. This has put strain on my boyfriend having to pay for everything and even grocery shopping, odd bits here and there. However now I have found a full time job with very good pay, we have come to an agreement for me to pay him back in two lump sums over the next 3 months, I've even told him that I'm going to treat him to a meal as well. He says he understands and is ok with waiting for it but when he gets drunk he blasts out at me that "I owe him this much and I have no idea how much I really owe him" he says its up to a grand now. It's really putting pressure on me, I feel so unattractive and like a total sponger. Last night he fell out with me over nothing but then just had to bring up money again and flipped out at mMy boyfriend is really seeming distant at the moment. I really need help with my situation if anyone can please help me. I've lived with my boyfriend of 2 years for just over a year now and I have always had trouble getting a stable, full time job, jobs I would go for would mess me about and lower my hours and I barely managed to get by, yet I was always able to pay my half of the rent and bills. Up until December of last year I've found myself unemployed and really struggling, even to a point of not paying my half of everything. This has put strain on my boyfriend having to pay for everything and even grocery shopping, odd bits here and there. However now I have found a full time job with very good pay, we have come to an agreement for me to pay him back in two lump sums over the next 3 months, I've even told him that I'm going to treat him to a meal as well. He says he understands and is ok with waiting for it but when he gets drunk he blasts out at me that "I owe him this much and I have no idea how much I really owe him" he says its up to a grand now. It's really putting pressure on me, I feel so unattractive and like a total sponger. Last night he fell out with me over nothing but then just had to bring up money again and flipped out at me to a point where I called him "a disgusting piece of crap" - he hasn't spoken to me since saying this, but I was so frustrated and upset! He knows I have a full time job now and I'm on more money than he is, I just haven't got paid yet, so why is he still having a go at me? Please can anyone advise me what to say to him? He also hasn't forgiven me for calling him a piece of crap, what should I do?! to a point where I called him "a disgusting piece of crap" - he hasn't spoken to me since saying this, but I was so frustrated and upset! He knows I have a full time job now and I'm on more money than he is, I just haven't got paid yet, so why is he still having a go at me? Please can anyone advise me what to say to him? He also hasn't forgiven me for calling him a piece of crap, what should I do?!

Sorry guys I pasted the first paragraph in twice! Don't know how to edit it, hope you can still make sense of it and read it!

It sounds to me that you and him are not quite on the same page. If he feels this upset about the money situation, it may be due to him not wanting to be so invested in the relationship. Living with someone is hard enough and when money plays a role it makes things even harder. From my personal experience, I am the girlfriend who now is paying the bills at my boyfriends place and even though I understand why he doesn't have the money he used to, it's still straining the relationship. I feel as if he should bring more to the table and I think it's because I am afraid that if I invest too much, I may be taken advantage of. Sometimes I am afraid I am paying these bills and he may leave me or may even be cheating. If it weren't for those fears, I wouldn't have a problem investing so much money. Idk the circumstances of why you moved in with him, but if it was purely financial and u now owe him money, he may think he had made a financial mistake. If yall moved in together simply out of love and just wanting to be closer together, he may not have considered the financial burden at that time. So maybe he's lashing out due to regret, fear of losing not only you but his money in the process, or maybe he's just plane stingy. Whatever the reason may be, if it is that much of a burden on yalls relationship, I may consider talking to him deeply about why he's so upset about the money and if you can't really fix that, move out...

Love doesn't have a price . A strained relationship isn't because of money. Someone that doesn't talk about their distance isn't being honest with you. If someone really loves you for who you are , they wouldn't be so upset over you paying them back . Love is free , money is greed . If someone is a sponge, they aren't worth it , if they truly care , money isn't an issue. Good Luck .

Agree. And it sounds like he's using this 'debt' as his excuse to (finally, I'm betting) have a pop at you in order to unleash some banked-up resentment. The 2-year mark is notorious for that one. Have you 'won' too many of your past arguments, do you suppose?

You said several times you have had a hard time keeping a job/getting low pay/ paying your share. Maybe he is feeling used? I am sure you are not doing it intentionally, but if he feels there has been a loss of intimacy and connection, and you are his 'girlfriend' that he 'has to support' maybe he is not ready for that level of commitment yet? He only mentioned it when he was drunk, which is when your mouth filter...switches off. Try to think of this as a window into his true feelings. I understand you were angry with him, as you dont want him to think you are using him, but calling him a 'disgusting piece of crap' is harsh at the best of times, certainly if he has been supporting you in your fairly new relationship. I think you guys may have other issues, beyond money.

I understood it that she called him a disgusting piece of crap in response to a whole, long tirade on his part, rather than some too easily issued insult; in other words, he'd pushed and pushed her to breaking point (obviously hell-bent on getting a sizeable reaction). If you push someone beyond their limit then you've got to expect consequences to suit and not sit there complaining about them. Also, if you're going to lend a romantic partner money and/or foot their side of all bills because of unemployment then you've got to be prepared for the fact the 'loan' is likely to be of the potentially indeterminate variety, particularly as even after the borrower finally lands another job they'll still have however many months' serious catching up to do. I too suspect he currently feels insecure in the relationship and thereby paranoid that LonelyGal might have stayed longer with him than otherwise might have in the absence of any such 'add-on' tie/obligation. Or he could be insecure per se, the type that too early on in the relationship does you a huge favour as if it represents some sort of insurance against ever finding himself taken for granted or dumped, or just an ever-present obligation to pay it back in kind, like via greater levels of attention than normal or at the time do-able. If, in cohabiting and sharing rent and living expenses, you're living like man and wife at the male's invitation or even his agreement then you're acting already like marrieds. So - what - he wants all the perks of that set-up without the work, like being your other half's staunch supporter no matter what form it might take, despite she's already firmly agreed to pay the loan back to the point of outlining a repayment plan? (Would someone who was secretly trying to take advantage do that? No, is the straight answer to that one.) Would he be expecting her to pay it off or pay it so quickly were they married for real? Unlikely. Cake and eat it merchant. ...But probably not. Probably, as I say, just the only airborne defence missile he could grab during a bog-standard bicker under the influence of booze. The 'you owe me X' in that kind of context is code for 'so you have no right/no reasons to make complaints about me about this or anything' (- er, no... not unless complaints prohibition had been included as a condition to the loan; you can't use money to buy yourself free romantic license for inappropriate or unbefitting behaviour). And/or maybe he's worried that now she's going to be earning more than *him* she might decide she no longer needs him/has outgrown him/has joined a higher league and jump ship? A new job and 3-month trial period *would* affect ones normal level of attentiveness-capability for a while, wouldn't it. I'd say the thing to say, LonelyGal, would be something like, 'Listen, I *am*, obviously, very touched and appreciative of your having kept me buoyed financially through what was a difficult period, but had I known you'd use it to fling back in my face every time we had an argument I'd never have taken your help in the first place. Plus it's you doing this yet again that pushed me to the end of my tether to where I called you a disgusting piece of crap. For that I obviously apologise unreservedly (you know I didn't mean it). But, now that we've agreed a repayment plan of sorts, can we please agree that the topic is off-limits (unless, of course, I ever fail to keep up my end of the bargain)?'. And then I would look at whether anything I were doing might be causing or agitating his sense of insecurity over me/our relationship and, if yes, try to make the necessary re-adjustments and reassurances. But, question: *in* the absence of disposal finance, have you meanwhile, just as a gesture of good faith, been demonstrating your appreciation through other means and methods, such as doing a greater share of housework or cooking, out of compensation for the fact he's been deprived of his normal financial freedoms this whole time?