I never would, but I am tempted to cheat

I have a lot of history to go through. If you read it all, thank you. If not, I totally get it. I have been married now for almost 5 years. My wife and I were friends for a long time before starting to date and we were married very quickly. Our first time together was on our wedding night. It was my first time period. My wife had some experience, but that didn't bother me and still doesn't, really. We made love regularly. She often felt bad when i didnt get any for one day. This was a honeymoon period. Slowly, the times that she felt was satisfactory for pleasing me grew longer and longer. I could tell that often she was just doing "wifely duties." And it was always the same. I go down, missionary, over. I repeatedly asked for blowjobs which she always said she was willing to do but hardly ever was. And when she did is was for, like 30 seconds. Since she was my first, and I am actually quite physical when it comes to a relationship, I wanted to experiment. In a car, in a dressing room, anal sex. She always expressed that she was willing to do these things. Still havent done anything. I spoke to her about these things repeatedly. It always ended with her saying she'd try, and I end up not seeing any difference. After about a year of marriage, we conceived a child. During the first six weeks of pregnancy she refused to let me touch her. I respected her wishes, despite it being extremely emotionally difficult for me. During this time, i started using pornography, which i had been addicted to in the past. She found something and i confessed to her. She felt betrayed, and i felt horrible. I stopped using pornography at her request. She's still hurt about it sometimes though, even years later. During pregnancy, we had relations so seldom that i practically begged one time for a handjob, just to have something from her. Maybe, MAYBE, once a month we'd try and i would not always be able to finish, and not due to my own problems. But she was pregnant and that came with a whole slew of changes so i rolled with it. After my son was born, we obviously couldnt for a while. We even waited a little longer than normal because my wife was scared. Again, i respected her wishes. When we did again, it was painful for her. Fast forward 3 years. Weve had the same problem for a long time. Now the pain during sex has gotten so painful for her, that we cant have sex longer than 30 secobds without it becoming unbearable. Still pure vanilla, i go down, missionary until it hurts her too mich to go on. I have gotten so afraid of hurting her, i am suffering from ED about it and have to take pills if were going to have sex. And i still dont get to finish. Ever. She went to the doctor. He says theres nerve damage probably caused by pregnancy. He prescribed a cream that is supposed to help with the pain. She has had the prescription almost 3 months and never gone to get it. I would do it, but she has to bring in all her insurance info. I have tried talking to her about it, but she says, basically, that her life is stressed enough (she is in an internship and graduate school on top of paying job and kid, so yeah, she is busy) and she doesnt need me adding to her stress on top of it. What she doesnt get is im fantasizing about being with other women. No one in particular. Just someone that can give me what i need sexually. And i feel horrible because its really not her fault that she has so much pain. And maybe if it didnt hurt so much shed be more adventurous with me. I just.... im so frustrated. I just needed to vent. Am I horrible? I don't think i am, logically, but i feel horrible. I haven'r finished in probably 4-5 months with my wife, and we probably average sex attempts once a month, if that, and never have successes. I just... wanna scream and cry. Which also makes me feel stupid cuz what guy cries just cuz he isn't getting any?

I applaud you for not cheating. it actually takes a lot of effort not to especially when you are not getting your needs satisfied. I would talked to your wife and even maybe go to a marriage counselor that specializes in sex. She needs to know how you are feeling, granted if she has medical issues down there you will have to have some understanding and it sounds like you do, but if there is a cure or a solution for her to be able to have sex with you then she needs to understand what your needs and desires are. There is no real good answer she will feel pressure form you either way even if you stop asking for it, but you need to bring the conversation to the table. Money and sex are the two biggest reasons for divorce, you are a man you need to have your needs meet and she is a women and she needs to have her needs meet, it could be both of you are not satisfied and maybe its not just in the sex department talk to her talk to a counselor, but something needs to be done before the marriage last longer then it should when the ultimate end is divorces if you don't communicate about the problems

yes - go and see a counselor or therapist who can deal with sex issues - I would give it a try too with tantric sex & massages : for opening up & relaxing - giving & receiving it seems that in some ways she's "tight" about her sexuality : something is not loose - relaxed how did the birth of your son go ? was it painful and trauma causing (physically and psychologically) ? did she talk it over with someone ? get her to see another specialist / gynecologist who can tell her more about this "nerve damage" : I believe relaxing may play a big part in all of this don't feel horrible about anything - you have needs and they ought to be considered, respected and dealt with - in a healthy way if now you're getting ED issues - you're on a bad road - don't let that happen : you don't deserve this straighten up and list what it is you need and what it is she needs and how you both can work this out : you both need to be 100% honest with each other you can not let the situation fester like this because it will only get worse - and you know it : this has been going on for long enough I think let me know