Why did I give up my beautiful daughter and not her dad my violent husband

october 2008 my husband beat me in front of my 7 year old daughter not the first time he beat me he been doing it for twenty years but i have always been to frightened to leave the next day my sister told social services and the police and i placed my child in voluntry foster care for two days while i sorted my self out i cried so much that on the third day i asked for her to be returned to me as i missed her so much they returned her on the basis i would not have him in the house again or she go into care for good on the second day of her return he came round and said he was sorry and wouldnt do it again and started to cry he said he loved us both i let him stay but social services did an unanounced drop in a found him there my daughter was taken in to care that same night the team leader gave me achoice it was either stay with him and lose her for good or leave him and keep her i couldnt chose between them as i loved and still love them both its been two years and three months now i am so guilty and an emotional wreck as i now recret my decission but i have now been told her only opotion is longterm fostering as she still as a strong attachment to me so adoption is now out of the equation i want her back but a placement order is still in place awaiting for it to be removed and replaced with court order but i cannot forgive myself for not supporting her and thinking of her needs and not my own i often think i should kill myself as i am such a bad person for letting this happen . please help me

Hello Carol, Although this is one of the most difficult things you will probably ever go through, killing yourself will not solve the problem at all and if this was really your intention you would have done it already. It's true that you've been selfish and you've let your heart rule over your head. You know that having your husband back is a bad thing but still you feel like you owe it to him to take him back. Whats more important is the innocent person in this situation, your daughter. It's time you got a grip and fought for the most important person in your life, the one person who would never purposely hurt you. Rather than dwell on the decisions you've made, move forward to regain the love of your daughter, or you really will be living in regret for the rest of your life. Things can be better! Hope this helps.