In the dark

I have been in a relationship for nearly 8 years. it has always been fiery and passionate but we have come through all the problems and tough times and have got to the point where through good fortune we are thinking of semi retiring within the next. We ar not married and my partner is very insistent that he never wants to....he has been married twice once divorced and one widowed and I have been married and divorced twice. At a time when we should be happy and thinking of our future, and are more financially secure than we have ever been he has become even more snappy and bad tempered. This is often for a very irrational reasons and he will always blame me for causing these outbursts. We are doing up an old house at present (not living in it thankfully) and I appreciate the stresses that this causes, but I still sometimes feel completely confused by his behaviour and sadly often respond angrily through sheer frustration. I am a strong woman with a good job in management which I am prepared to retire from for the sake of our future - our new house makes me remaining in my job geographically impossible. He never tells me he loves me ...says he's fond of me. I desperately want our future to work but he is such hard work. Helpful advice would be appreciated.

I am glad life is good for you and your partner right now. One reason your partner never wants to get married is that he may think marriage is bothersome. He might be done with this part of his life. It does not mean that he is done with comittment, but since his marriages did not work in the past, he may think it would not work if it happens again. Another reason could be that he may think of marriage as a bad turning point. In his past relationships, he may have felt that the problems escalated with marriage. The various problems and pains he has experienced with the marriages, especially the break-up experiences, are something he wants to avoid. There could be other reasons, but these ones are most likely. As far as his mood goes, it may seem irrational to you, but there is probably some reason behind that, too. The reason could be something he is not sharing with you or it may be because of something subconscious (we all have internal issues and past experiences that can affect how we are with others). He is just blaming you because it is easier than dealing with whatever is the reason behind his bad temper. This explanation is assuming that he has no medical disorder (I don't know his past medical history, but if the reasons he comes up with are very irrational, a therapist or doctor may be needed.); However, this possible explanation does not excuse his behavior. He should not be blaming you for anything. When he blames you for something, try different approaches and see what best solves the situation. You could tell him that you don't like to talk with him when he is angry, so you'll go somewhere else. You could also say that you care about him, but blaming you for everything doesn't solve the problem now, does it? Offer to help him solve the problem if you can. Other times, it could be best to just tell him to put a sock in it because you are tired of him blaming you for everything, and if he can't give you a good reason as to why he is blaming you, then he has nothing to complain about. Remind him of the good things that are going on and how they outweigh whatever issues he may have. Additionally, he says he is fond of you either because 1) That is where he is with his feelings (He may not love you, but rather he cares about you very much.), or 2) He has trouble expressing love (This could be due to past experiences or personality.). I would ask him where you stand in his life. You need to know if you are just a convenience or if he considers you someone he can share his life with. I wish you the best of luck. TILES