Somewhere between addiction and recovery

I'm 23 and hate the thought of going to a forum to talk about my issue but this is the first place Google brought up. I am on a methadone program for my opiate a addiction only my dad knows he might have enough told other people I'm not sure. But that was hard to tell him. I'm been on pills for so many years I can't remember and I always used that as an excuse for the way I acted. I have a very big problem with authority I never realized it. I just assumed it was the punk in me. But now it's getting ridiculous I've never quit a job on good terms. I've always been a hard worker and I do everything I can to get a job done. I'm going to stop here for a minute. This is going to be a ramble. Like a breakdown being typed so bear with me if anyone actually reads this. I guess that isn't the point. It's to say it to get everything that I've ever needed to say off my chest without any kind of lie or anything. Now back to my problems I wish I could just be an adult about everything but I can't and my frienose think I'm the most put together one out of all of us because I'm trying to fix my issues I'm a long long ways away but I'm trying. See I was the fuck up I got my friends on pills and drinking I didn't force it down. There throat but I did stupid suff and they started to follow me. And now they see I'm working a decent job and Imy about to quit in a stupid way for a better one. That's not the point though. I'm also a compulsive lier I lie about the dumbest thing and I lie to my girlfriend and love this girl and I'm trying to work on my problems and she is just as damaged and isn't supportive and I understand that. But I haven't really got to what my actual problem is I think that is because the problem is me damn near everything about me is the problem and my psyche is so bent and broken I'm wondering if I can fix this walking problem. Well I guess that's all I bet that's is gonna be hard to follow I wrote it so fast and kinda just wrote what was coming out of my head and I would like somone to tell me that it's going to be ok. But I don't know if I care I want to care but it's hard everything is so damn hard

well - it's already a good point you can talk about it : that means you can face "it" - whatever that is for you - and if you can face it - you can fix it and I see you're trying to fix it - good for you it all depends on how much you want to change - and into what : what is the "new you" you would imagine ? the one you would like ? the one you would appreciate to become ? I believe maybe your problem with "authority" comes from anger issues : authority - or anything that has to do with boundaries - gets you all worked up - I guess the solution would be to start being your own authority and know your own boundaries - not in a forceful and aggressive way but quietly and calmly - knowing what you will stand for and what not & what your limits are - then you can take that in any situation and say without feeling you have to defend yourself (which creates anger) what you're willing to do - that is building self-respect and self-appreciation I'm not an expert in drugs & co but I do believe they do not promote boundaries and most will give you the down after the high - and repeated over and over - induce depression - depression is an expression of "not caring" (or not being cared for) and not caring is related to a lack of serotonin & dopamine : the need we all have to feel happy - to feel pleasure and contentment - the thing to do is get into activities that will promote emotional and physical well-being (can be anything - not destructive) also alcohol & drugs destructure synapses in the brain : circuits that used to work one way - don't anymore because the drugs & co created other electric and chemical routes and that can lead to incompatibilities regarding living in "society" (with other people) in an integrated satisfying way : so the point is to re-create habits and routines that allow for a better social & professional integration AND that correspond to what you expect from happiness and feeling satisfied in life lying is not going to help : that's kind of sure because it's a way of never coming clean - so you always have something on your conscience and that's taxing : so if you can start by owning what it is you say and do - on an every day basis - that would be a good start - and it would give you inner strength - a moral & ethical back bone of conduct well - so far what I've got to say : wish you the very best - you can do this :)

I was kinda expecting a generic answer but that was actually helpful. Thank you

You said, "But I haven't really got to what my actual problem is I think that is because the problem is me damn near everything about me is the problem and my psyche is so bent and broken I'm wondering if I can fix this walking problem." How was you psychic broken? Were you raised in a negative household? The reason I ask is, because I was in a bad situation, also, and came across a column which said, "If you aren't positive when going into a problem, that it can be solved, you probably aren't a good problem solver." I had never thought of that in my entire life. I never thought, going into a problem, you need to be positive you can solve it. I always looked at problems as negative, which bolstered my negative unconscious. I thought, my parents, or who ever taught me that, were right, problems are negative. But now I look at it like this: "Yeah, problems are negative, but, wanting to have a positive outcome of a problem is not negative. I'm not saying having problem is great, I'm saying, thinking we have a good a chance to solve the problem is what can be positive. I realize, the next time I have problem, don't worry about the problem,, worry about your thinking about the problem. The problem is not the problem. You're the problem, And I was. And since it was in my unconscious, I couldn't see my neg. uncon. So the next time I had a problem, I said, "Read the col. on being positive when trying to solve a problem. Don't worry about the problem." So, the next time I had a problem, I got the col. on being positive down off the bullitan board. I got to the 4th paragraph. I thought of the answer to the problem without even thinking about it. Because, the col. had erased the neg. in my uncon. so that if I came up with a good answer, my neg. uncon. wouldn't negate it by saying, "That won't work because...." So now, when I have a problem, before trying to solve it, I say, "Think positive, think positive, think positive...." to try and wipe out the neg. from my uncon. which I can't see. Only then do I first try to think of a solution. OK? So, above you said, "I'm wondering if I can fix this walking problem." You're saying, what you have is a problem. What do I do as soon as hear the word problem? I thnink , the problem is not the problem, the problem is me. My thinking. My uncon. neg. Clear the neg. out of my unseen uncon., and only then worry about the problem. I'll send you a fuller version of the col in the next post. Put it on your bullitan board Next time you think about this or any other problem, don't worry about the problem, worry about your uncon., and that it might be negative. Just read the col. first. As you're reading the col., you might come up with solutions to your problem. Don't let your uncon. attack your answer to the problem. Act on the solution you've come up with.

ISUEDTOBETHEHULK: Here below is the column I mentioned in the above post. It is paraphrased from an original col. by a Mrs. Scott. I put my copy on my bullitan board, and told myself, next time you have a problem, don't worry about the problem, worry about your neg. thinking, which you can't see for it's in your uncon. Try to wipe out any uncon. neg. by reading the col. on being positive when trying to solve a problem. Only until you've read the col. do you worry about the problem. It worked for me. --------------------------------------------- There are people who can solve problems very well, and there are those who cannot. But solving problems can be learned. The most important thing to remember about trying to solve a problem is your attitude going into the problem. The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. If you think you have little or no chance to solve the problem, you probably don’t, not because of the problem, but because you are stacking the deck against solving the problem before you even start to try. As such, the problem is not the problem, you are the problem. Take yourself out of the mix, and concentrate on the problem, with first having the belief that you can solve it. Let’s say you’re in a place of business that is on fire. Your conscious mind want to get out, but your unconscious is negative (which you don’t see because it’s in your unconscious). That could be your biggest problem: you don’t see the negative in your unconscious. If your conscious wants you to escape the fire, but your unconscious is negative, thinking you can’t solve this problem, every time your conscious thinks of a solution (“Open the door and go outside”), your unconscious says: “That won’t work, because….” and it comes up the flimsiest of reasons (“…the door might be locked.”). Your unconscious comes up with these putdowns of possible solutions, because it has been programed to where everything must be negative, so it is forced to downgrade all possible solutions. And until your conscious and unconscious are going in the same direction (win or lose), you can’t move, because half your brain is going to the left, and half your brain is going to the right. A possible solution to that might be, “Dive out the glass window. You might get cut, but you might survive.” That satisfied both the conscious (“I want to get out”) and the unconscious (“But I can’t allow myself to solve the problem in a positive way.”) So, you must retrain your unconscious. I do this by saying to myself when I have a problem, “Think positive, think positive, think positive,” as I pave the way for my conscious to come up with solutions, while trying to damp down my unconscious, which may be negative and preparing to downgrade any solution my conscious comes up with. (I found this works, and I’m able to solve problems much better.)

Look up Dr. Caroline Leaf. She has some excellent books out on the workings of the brain.