My husband left me and I'm confused

Two weeks ago my husband said he was leaving me. This was a shock but I understood we didn't have the perfect marriage. We have 4 kids together and have been married for 15 years. I kept asking him why and he said it was because he needed to work things out on his own and that he loved me and really wants to come back. This made no sense to me. He started treating me so much better than he's ever treated me. I couldn't understand what was going on. I checked his Facebook and saw a conversation with a girl. She was after him, he told her all about our relationship but told her he wasn't interested in being with anyone. There was some inappropriate words enough to devastate me but not enough to think he cheated. My husband and I talked all night and he said he hates how he treated me, he didn't like that he loves going out all the time and he felt lonely. He also had an issue with me being overweight even though most of our marriage he was huge. Things got better from there, he spent time doing things with me and the kids, he told me he loved me constantly and did so much for me. I thought maybe he had changed his mind but he still left. He sleeps at a mates house and is here before 9 and stays until 11pm. Every time he goes I get so upset. I barely eat and sleep anymore and feel like I am a walking zombie. He wants to do marriage counselling and make time for date nights. I agree with both of this but don't know why he had to leave to do this, wouldn't it be easier to do this while we are in the same house and without having to upset the kids? I have also tried to organise both of these but he said he's not ready, he needs time first. I almost feel that he has left me so he can have a try at being single but is stringing me along incase he doesn't like it. I feel so hurt and confused. I don't know whether I should trust that he is serious about working things out and giving him time or accept that he's gone and try to heal.

No, hew left you because he;s a jerk. He walked out on his own 4 kids. Yeah, like that's going to work. Get a good lawyer, make him pay child support, while you stay at home with the kids. Leaving is not a good option when he finds out about the child support. You'll get the kids because, he was the one that walked out. Yeah, he lives in fairytale, facebook land. When he comes to his senses he'll come crawling back. And if he doesn't, you get the money for the kids.

Thanks for your support PJVL9, I appreciate your advise. I do however have to put my children first. They need their dad, my husband and I have decided to keep things as friendly as we can if he decides not to come back. He will have shared custody and he has said he will pay for their education and expenses rather than paying child support. I will struggle financially on my own as I work part time and study and will probably have to reevaluate what I do. I don't want him to come crawling back I want him to want to come back but then how do I forgive him for hurting me so much. How long do I wait for him to work out what he wants? Sometimes he says he might be back in 2 weeks other times he says it could be a couple of months tonight he said it could be four months. I know I can't wait too long, I just don't know how long I should wait for him.

I don't know how much support I can give because it all depends on this wild man. You said, "I do however have to put my children first. They need their dad, my husband and I have decided to keep things as friendly as we can if he decides not to come back." I found out my wife was having an affair when our child was almost 4. I felt like I was in a vice. Like you, I wanted our child to have a mother and a father in the same home. I wanted two pay checks in the same house. My wife wanted me to leave so she could continue with the affair, it turned out 10 affairs, and more on the way, but I refused because, I didn't want to leave my child, and I didn't want my child to not have a child in the home, and I wanted to stay in the house we were still buying, and I wanted to have it paid for one day, and I wanted our child to inherit it one day. So, I stuck it out. Let's just say, me and a few heart doctors got to know each other really well, what with the number of visits, the treadmills, the EKG's, the chest pain. Me coming home to my wife and saying, you know, this is the 3rd visit I've had for chest pain, and they all say my heart's OK, but they never say what's causing the chest pain. Do you have any idea what could be causing it." Like, maybe it was her, but since our marriage lasted 29 more years after it was obvious she was having an affair, the reasons for the stress it was causing me kinda got lost in the process. You said, "He will have shared custody and he has said he will pay for their education and expenses rather than paying child support. I will struggle financially on my own as I work part time and study and will probably have to reevaluate what I do." His "promise" to pay for their college years from now doesn't do it. He'll pay child support and their college, or they'll go without because of him, how about that? He's a great, deal maker, except he doesn't have to pay anything. I had people telling me what I basically told you. They said, "If you get a divorce, you'll get custody of your child, because she's gotten caught having an affair and other reasons, and she'll have to pay child support because she makes more money and has a better work record than you do. "You'll get to keep the house to raise the child in." That's where I got all of my information on this from. That's why I was telling you: "You're not in such bad shape. He'll have to pay child support." So, his promising in 10 years he's going to come up with $20,000 for the kids education, is as much malarkey as the rest of what he does and says, except on Facebook, where he present the real him. Right. So what he says in the living room, or the motel room where he now lives, is not the same as what might be said in a courtroom. He won't determine how much he "promises" to pay in 10 years in lieu of his having to pay any child support now. You said about divorce,"I do however have to put my children first. They need their dad." My feelings, exactly, with our almost 4 year old child. I gutted it out for about 20 more years before he grew up and left the house, so I know what's that's like. I kept it together, mom baking cookies in the kitchen and me playing games with the kid in the living room, and then it all feel apart when he was 13 when he came in during the middle of an argument and everything was found out. In rebellion, he had a child by his girlfriend at 16. His child, who was raised with no father in the home by a mother who was sex abused, had a child at 20 by his 16 year old girlfriend, so how much was gained? My son's now 22 year old child does not speak to his father ,my 39 year old son. So, you can hold it together with a roll of twine and some tape as long as you can, but watch it come unraveled 10 years from now. I'm not saying give up, but I know what trying to keep a wayward spouse in line is about. It's about 30 years of misery, by the time all the grandchildren are born out of wedlock. My son came over today and replaced a lock on my back door, put down a few bags of top soil on a place in the front yard, so he came back in good shape. My wife passed away after a long illness, she smoked, 6 years ago. She was sex abused, I have manic depression, so there was no way this was gong to turn out any different. I sitting here typing to you, so I'm dong OK> Self for-filling prophecy. If you think it's going to turn out OK, it stands a better chance. Your kids are looking to se what you do to determine what they do and think. They already know he left, so it won't be any big surprise when they're 13 or 15. They'll appreciate you for staying. The oldest one or two can help you with chores. Everybody can pitch in. Everybody is going to have to help a little bit more. You can be positive. I'll look for a column on being positive when going into a problem that has helped me a lot, and include it next time.

Hold On a minute- "He who leaves makes no deal" TIME TO PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES. Getting a lawyer will ensure that you and your children will get what is legally owed to you. What about rent/utilities/food/car expenses/medical insurance? Why would you agree to bare these expenses? Do not give away the CHILDREN'S CHILD SUPPORT. You should ask for spousal support for yourself at least until you find a full time job. Stop WAITING FOR HIM TO RETURN!! He has the nerve to dangle his return as a prize (maybe 2 weeks/maybe months) What an ASS H*oL When a man walks out on his family that's a choice HE MADE choices" have consequences!! You can still be civil and retaining a attorney (the court may order him to pay your legal fees). Use your head and not your feelings-treat this as business decision. Think about the money he'll be spending on the"singles ladies" $$$$? So your priority is to you and your kids.. Love does not pay the bills. Love does not walk on a family. So for now put love.

"So for now put love"...in the bin where he's put so-called his? (Was that or some other similar, wholly appropriate sentiment what should have appeared at the end of your sentance, SK?) Confused363, Shock-wise, your so-called husband is striking whilst the iron is hot (having clearly done his research as well as timed his bombshell beautifully). It's called, trying to con you. Yes, Madam, you heard me right. Mr "I want to keep this friendly and strictly between us" is in the process of trying to *con* you (and your kids) - out of long-term financial security and various other rights and entitlements that, as PJ and SK have said, the Family Courts would order him to regularly pay you and your children (to his own, wholly deserved detriment). Would you like me to spell out all the ways, and how he's going about doing this? Or are you still in too much shock and (understandably) denial, thus liable to shoot the messenger(s)?

15 year marriage..... blessed with 4 children..... he was talking to another female on Facebook.... Typical.... their conversations where manily about yours and his marriage.... now wanting to leave or has already left.... I am sure that he is involved with this Facebook female.... turn the focus off of him.... you have 4 children.... You need to be in good mental and physical health for your children.... yes I know it hurts.... your children are hurting too.... be by your children's side... .as far as divorce goes.... you know what you got to do.... make sure you file for divorce first... .draw up a parenting plan ASAP... .If the two of you have same Bank account.... You open a separate bank account.... This way if there is money is the shared account..... you can transfer the money to your new account.... he will not able to get a penny from you.... shared credit cards....call and report lost.... some credit company's will let you remove the other person's name on the account.... Live him with nothing.... As for money for you to pay your bills... Not to sure.... Depends on which state you live in.... Do not let him control what he is offering to pay... That's what judges do..... Either way you choose..... I am on your side.....I am sorry the children and you are having to go thru this....it will easier.....