I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with me

I feel like I'm losing control of myself. It's something I've noticed 4 years ago but it has gotten work. It started with minor sad and depression episodes every once in a while but now it's almost daily. I dread getting up, my energy for doing anything is low. I barely want to shower or take care of myself. I've just been feeling not here or extremely demotivated. I don't have many people to talk to and I feel most of them don't take me seriously. I fear that my mood would only get worst from here if something doesn't change.

Sealgirl19, I am really sorry to hear about how you are feeling and trust me, from experience, i know there is nothing worse than depression. But you must fight your inner feelings although it's tough, wake up every day and look in the mirror, and love yourself and love life and think about the positives you have in your life, and not the negatives. I strongly suggest you go to see a doctor and get some form of anti-depressants or whatever you might need, to help you go through this dark spell. Remember that you are not alone, and you always can reach out for help- there are many services and websites to help you cope with depression. Just stay strong and think of future, have a dream and work towards it. Giving up is not an option for any of us, we are all survivors! Best wishes!

You said: "I feel like I'm losing control of myself. It's something I've noticed 4 years ago but it has gotten work. It started with minor sad and depression episodes every once in a while but now it's almost daily. I dread getting up, my energy for doing anything is low. I barely want to shower or take care of myself. I've just been feeling not here or extremely demotivated. I don't have many people to talk to and I feel most of them don't take me seriously. I fear that my mood would only get worst from here if something doesn't change." You've got depression, plain and simple. While I'm typing this, I'm on an anti-depressant, it's called "Mirtazpine." 15 mg tablets. It says, "Take one tablet by mouth at bedtime." It keeps me undepressed. You're 25. It's a guess. You're living by yourself. That's a guess, also. When I first had depression, I was, 27, I'll say, and I didn't know what to do, either. I had just lost a job, which was my social contact, also, and was living by myself (no social contact there), and I didn't know what was going on, either. Before the first week was over from losing my job, I was starting to feel worse and worse. But no reason to swing into action, right? Just having a bad day, right? Well, a bad 2 or 3 days. But it was depression slipping in, and since it was gradual and I didn't know what it was, so I didn't know what to do, and I was living by myself, and living 200 miles away from my mother, and was the youngest child and wasn't used to helping myself, I was clueless, helpless, which is the receipe for disaster. Disaster being, oh, nervous breakdown, don't know if you'll ever get back to your senses or not. You don't want to go there. But with me, the pressure from the untreated depression was so heavy on my brain, after about 3-4 weeks, the last 10 days the anger was so high, mainly at my mother who I blamed for all my problems, that I basically just flipped out. You don't want to go there. Let me tell you what you want to do. You want to find yourself a good psychiatrist, male or female as you choose, you want to go to the appointment, you want to tell the doctor, well, just what you told us: "I feel like CRAP!!!" OK, right there, the doctor will know what to do. He or she has seen you before. Well, not you, but hundreds like you, who also felt like crap. He or she has the list of symptoms for depression right in front of him or her. And he or she glances at the list and you've got a lot of them of them. You can even have your own such list if you go to a depression website on the search engine, and see how many you've got (about 10). If you're depressed, you might also be manic-depressed, like I am, so you might want to go to that type of website and see if you're that. The anti-depressants will lift your spirits, and you'll be glad you went, and your brain will, too. Be good to your brain, and give it some relief so it can help you some more. People who don't get treatment, it can get worse, I'm living proof. You can crack right down the middle, if you keep screwing around long enough. I did. You'll think you're dead. You've be in a house or horrors before? Well that's what this is. You'll have bats in the belfry. Well, wo what happens? Well, when you're depressed, in addition to being in trouble, you can't make decisions, that's why you've been depressed for 4 years and you can't decide what to do. So it's a double problem. You're the one having the problem, and you're the one having to solve it, but your problem solving organ is not working. So you can't solve the problem. Yeah, you can. I couldn't but you can. Here's what I didn't do. I was going around in circles, in my mind and I'm my apartment. I'd had emotional problems, but I'd never had depression, so, I didn't know what to do. So, I'll re-walk you through what I should have done. I should have: 1. Realize, I'm in big trouble. 2. It's something to do with my mind and emotions. They've gone eskew. 3. Who handles those kinds of problems? Psychiatrists. 4. I need to find myself a psychiatrist, man or woman, as I choose. 5. I don't have to do anything the psychiatrist suggest, I don't have to take any of their advice, I don't have to take any of their medicine, I don't have to make another appointment, I don't have to do anything. 6. Since I've never been to a psy. before (which you haven't is my guess), this will be like a learning experience. 7. And since I've never helped myself (which you haven't is my guess), that will be a learning experience. I'm not going to wait for somebody to come bail me out. They haven't in 4 years. I'm gong to take charge of my own problem. I'm going to: 8. Look on my computer search engine, and type in "psychiatrists" for "my hometown" (or look in the physical telephone book for that, but the computer has more data, like where their offices are located.) 9. Of the list of psychiatrists, notice which ones are men and which are women, and choose the one you want, and which may be closer to you, if that's a factor. 10. Pick one. 11. Call the number. I know, you're depressed, you don't want to. You're the least qualified for this job, but you're the only one available, so, call the number. 12. The secretary will be the most helpful person you've talked with in 3 weeks, so it will be worth everything just to talk to her for a few minutes. 13. Tell her what your problem is. She'll say, "Morning or afternoon?" and your troubles will be over. She'll take over from there. And, oh, thank her for helping you, for she just saved your ass. You were one person away from disaster, and she was it. 14. Go to the appointment. 15. Get down on your knees that you made it. 16. If you can't afford a psy., look up on the search engine, "psychology clinic" or "mental health clinic" for "your hometown." 17. Write down what you find, phone number and where they are located. 18. Call the first one. Ask how much they charge. It's sliding scale, free if you have no job. 19. Get an appointment and go to it. 20. Get down on your n knees for low cost or free clinics. Oh, and a saying I repeat, thinking of that time when I had that problem and didn't do anything but complain that others weren't helping me enough: "Looking for a helping hand? What about the one on the end of your arm?" The problem is that this is up to you to help yourself, but who is better qualified?

PJVL9: Yes I do live alone and I am close to the age that you said and I live miles away from my mother (coicedence). I've noticed the typos as I took the time to read. I'm working on seeing a doctor but things are really hard since I lost my job last October. I trying my best taking care of myself and I'm afraid of what the doctor would say once I check in. To be honest, I'm afraid of anti-depressant due to the side-effects I recently realized something was wrong recently when I've noticed myself losing control of my body and I don't have as much focus and concentration as I used to. I lashed out at my friends and I also pushed a lot of them away because I became distrusting of a lot of people around me and I didn't know who was here for me and who wasn't. I'm just hoping to get a grasp on everything so my head can finally be clear and not clouded. I just don't want to feel drained. Also I've took a few of the test online and they all said they I may be manic depressed. One of them also gave me a form to give to my doctor. Thank you for your help and perspective. BROWNEYES117: Thank you for your support hopefully my doctors visit will help point me in the right direction.

SEALGIRL: You said: "I'm working on seeing a doctor but things are really hard since I lost my job last October. I trying my best taking care of myself and I'm afraid of what the doctor would say once I check in. To be honest, I'm afraid of anti-depressant due to the side-effects" That's a whole world of explanation. 1. I'm sorry to hear that things are difficult and that you lost your job. 2. I'm glad to hear that you are trying your best to take care of yourself. 3. You said, "I'm afraid of what the doctor would say once I check in." One of my choices was, I went to a general hospital that had a psych ward. I even talked to the secretary at the desk. She said something like, "You can get on the elevator and go the to the 3rd floor," or something like that. I looked at, and maybe took a step or two toward the elevator, but thought about something like, "I don't think I want to be locked up," and walked back outside. Probably a few days later was when I cracked up. I was also negative about solving problems, and didn't know it because it was in my unconscious. So, I didn't really want to, or think, I could solve that problem, or basically any other problem which had some difficulty. Do you solve problems pretty good? If not, you may have a neg. unconscious that is hold you back. I read a column on being positive when going into a problem that you can solve it, and it has really helped me. So, one question here is, do you have to check in somewhere, or can you be treated as a n outpatient? In my view, if you simply go to a psy. office, clinic whatever, they find you are depressed, or manic-depressed, they can give you an anti-depressant right there on the spot, bam!, you can get it filled, and you'll start noticing pretty quick that it is helping. Possibly in the first hour or two, and some more in the next 3 or 4 hours. You don't have to check in for a week or two, or 3 or 4 weeks, to get that quick help. What is this check in stuff? I know one psy. wanted me to "check in" for a month, and what wanted he wanted was the $40,000 thatg my ins. company forked out for a month's stay in a psych ward. What a rip off for me and the ins. company. That's why ins. company's went with the, oh, we now have our own doctors to see if you really do need to check in for a month, or can be treated as an outpatient. So some countries have free medical care, so I don't know if psy. in those countries have a way to rip off the govt. by checking in people who don't need to be checked in or not. There may be, so you have to be careful about that. Can you go to a psy. as an outpatient and see what happens. You don't to be checked in. You're being fooled. If you made it for 4 years with depression, you don't need to be checked in immediately. That's ludicrous. If you're out of a job, can you find a free clinic near you? You said, "I'm afraid of anti-depressant due to the side-effects" When my psy. told me I was manic-depressive and wanted to give me lithium, my first question was, something like, does it have bad side affects? He said no. It didn't, and neither do the anti-depressants. They do, in a way, have side effects. But being depressed, or manic-depressed, as you say you think you may be, has side affects, also. One is, you can, or as you say, "I recently realized something was wrong recently when I've noticed myself losing control of my body and I don't have as much focus and concentration as I used to. I lashed out at my friends and I also pushed a lot of them away because I became distrusting of a lot of people around me and I didn't know who was here for me and who wasn't. I'm just hoping to get a grasp on everything so my head can finally be clear and not clouded. I just don't want to feel drained." That's a side effect of untreated depression or manic-depresssion. For 4 years, you've been feeling horrible, thats a side affect of the illness. Yes, these medicines do have side effects. But untreated depression and manic-depression does to. You've just described it. Yes, giving the form on your answers to manic-depression questions will help your doctor. Youf doctor will have about 50 with you. You have hours, days, weeks and more to figure out things about yourself. Also, doctor can miss-diagnose. They might not even ask you, "Do you stay up late at night?" You know you do. "Do you have sudden spurts of energy, can go without eating for a long time; does your mind sometimes go so fast for so long you can't keep up with all the thoughts? Do some days you don't want to get out of bed, and other days you can't sit still?" They might not ask you any of those questions. They sit there and listen to you, but they don't ask questions like that. So, how could they figure out that you are manic-depressive? I went for over 10 years not diagnosed correctly. How important is that? If they don't diagnose you correctly, they can't medicate you correctly, so you don't get helped. I didn't get lithium for 10-15 years after I got an anti-depressant. Did they ask me any questions during those 10-15 years like, do you stay up late at night, does your mind go real fast sometimes? Why didn't they ask me questions? I don't know.They just sit there. I told them about my depression, so they diagnosed me as depressed. That wasn't my condition. I was manic-depressed. So they miss-diagnosed me. They never asked a question. In 20 years, 10 different psy., they never asked a question. So taking in the question and your answers is very important, as that website that gave you that tip, knew. They know psy. can miss-diagnose. When I first took lithium, 10-15 years after not being diagnosed correctly, it felt like a weight being lifted off of my shoulders and my mind. It felt like the air being let out of an over-tight balloon. I didn't know I was uptight all of those years. I didn't notice that. You said, "I lashed out at my friends and I also pushed a lot of them away because I became distrusting of a lot of people around me and I didn't know who was here for me and who wasn't. I'm just hoping to get a grasp on everything so my head can finally be clear and not clouded. I just don't want to feel drained." All of that is mania, as you know. You said, "It started with minor sad and depression episodes every once in a while but now it's almost daily. I dread getting up, my energy for doing anything is low. I barely want to shower or take care of myself. I've just been feeling not here or extremely demotivated." All of that is depression, as you know. You are manic-depressive, as you know. If you do see a psy., take the questions and your answers in with you. Since you are only 27, we'll say, you have a right to be concerned about the side effects, I'm almost forgetting that. But pushing friends away, wondering whose for you and whose against you (paranoia, which is part of manic-dep.) racing mknd, can't make decisions, is rough also. You might first try the lithium, which lessens depression and lowers manic. It is wonderful. Try that alone for a few weeks and see what you think, is my suggestion. An anti-dep. will help also, but you might want to try that second. Don't check in. Just go to a psy. office. If you do check in, rem. you can sign your self out, anytime you want. They won't make that plain, it may bed the 10th item on page 5, but you can check yourself out. That alone lets you know, you can leave anytime you want. I appreciate your reply.

Sealgirl: You might want to consider going on anti-depressants only when you're out of a job, not around people. When you get back to a job, or doing volunteer work, etc., and feel you aren't depressed, maybe work with you doctor about getting off of anti-depressants. That way, you might not feel its a situation where you might need to be on them forever. That is, you can be on them when you are depressed, and possibly off of them when you're not. But getting you through this tough time is what we can be talking about. When you are way down low for a long time, we need all the help we can get.

Hi Sealgirl'- I understand how you feel about anti-depressant. However some really do work by helping you from going into deep despair. My GF went into depression because her marriage broke up. She was given Prozac and Abilify and it made a major difference. She was able to be herself again. The medicine didn't prevent her feeling some depression, it prevented her mental state from dropping into what she said felt like falling into a deep black hole. This is what worked for her, so in no way am I suggesting/recommending any particular drug. There is always a new medicine out there so get informed. This is a great site to talk and get excellent advice. So stay in touch..