We could deconstruct and analyze what may be causing him to behave this way, but I'm not sure there's much value in that, since he's shown no interest in changing. He's disregarding the vows he chose to make to you, and is now consciously choosing his daughter over you, consistently, and in every way. It sounds like he's willing and eager to initiate intimacy and connection with his daughter, without any regard for you, your feelings, or your marriage. He's completely forgotten how to behave as a husband, and that is a huge disservice to everyone, including his daughter. He is not helping her through a tough time, he is allowing her to monopolize his time and energy and they will both pay a very high price for that in the long run. And you're very wise to recognize there isn't much (if anything) you can really do about that.
As for your marriage... is there any way you can take a mini-break and allow yourself (and your children) time to just relax, regroup, and focus on yourselves for a bit without the tension and disrespect? I speak from some experience here; my husband and I are recent empty nesters, and in the middle(ish) of our third break in our 25 years together. We have a wonderful marriage, and neither of us has ever considered leaving. That's not at all where I'm going with this suggestion. I'm simply sharing what I've learned through our various struggles. Whenever our life circumstances change dramatically, or one (or both) of us is feeling out of sync with each other or ourselves, we agree to take a break from focusing on our marriage to focus on our individual selves. We set and keep very clear boundaries, and there is never any worry of infedility or anything like that. Not what it's about, nor should it be. Our focus is to become better individuals, so when we go back to the marriage, we're bringing our best selves to meet the challenges that eventually arise. Every time we come back together, we're so much stronger and happier for having given each other the space we needed to learn and grow. Individually, and as a couple. It helps us each find more clarity about what we want, and what we don't, and gives us the time to find our way to our new normal.
You've all been making so many major adjustments for so long, you must be exhausted as well as frustrated. Some time apart may help you both identify what's working, and more importantly; what's not. Give him a chance to miss you, and notice all the things you do for him (and his daughter) that he now takes for granted. If one or both of you find you don't miss the tension, and appreciate the extra time and freedom, and think you may be better apart? Then you'll both at least have some clarity and perspective. You'll both be happier, regardless of the decisions you make about moving forward, together, or seperately. At least, that has been our experience.
I hope this helps, or at least doesn't hurt. I wish you the very best of luck. I would love to hear updates and answer any questions, assuming I can be of some use. Love and light, peace and happiness to you, and all involved. <3
I realize I referred to your relationship as a marriage, and referenced vows. I got so caught up in your current situation, which has all the hallmarks of many marriages, that I *forgot* you haven't yet taken that step. I have no doubt there is love between you. Even (or maybe especially) after 25 years of marriage, I've found that love on its own is not enough to keep a relationship healthy. In life, and especially in marriage; love is a verb. It is a choice you make every day that manifests itself in all the things we DO, big and small. When in doubt, believe behavior over words. Words can be misleading and are loaded with all of the insecurity and impermanence of our daily emotional highs and lows. Actions, however, cannot lie. Not for long, anyway. If or when you take the leap into marriage, I hope the issues you're experiencing in the relationship now are resolved and you find enough common ground to give you all more peace. <3
sorry that im posting on your thread, i have my own (its waaay too long and "old"), but i was hoping for mamabears input and didnt know how else to ask..hope u dont mind me asking here,fun butterfly:
mamabear, long story short, me and my bf(mid 20s) are taking this break u were talking about (got the idea from my very own relationship advicer from peoplesproblems ) and it helped a lot! especially regarding his behavior and appreciation towards me..it does has ups and downs..more downs lately then ups, but its a process i heard :P so however, its been almost a month and he is coming back home soon (next week-he spend the time in exil in his homecountry) and u have been talking about taking time for yourself and focusing on yourself..im the kind of person who finds that very hard..so i was wondering, what do u do?how do u "find yourself" again? ive been also experiencing resentment from before a bit again..how do u focus on u? and how do u deal with resentment?
sorry again, but been following mama bears responses and really hoped for an advice, since u r experiencing it yourself atm..
today im feeling a bit down again, so i allowed myself to interfere..
and fun butterfly, i recommend it highly, the break that is..i wish u all the best!
Nana: First of all, the fact that you're even asking these questions is probably the hardest thing. So high five for that. I also struggled very hard with plugging back into myself. Life is loaded with distraction and demands for our time and energy. So the first thing to do is make some time for yourself. Either dedicated time slots on a calendar, or in any moment you can find to just breathe and relax. Anything you enjoy doing or that is gratifying or joyful, do more of that. Whether it be a long hot bath, a leisurely walk, sitting in the sun, reading, crafts, whatever helps you quiet your mind. That's the best way to come back to center and get to know yourself again. Just be with yourself, and pay attention to your gut. Try to live in the moment, expect nothing, and appreciate everything. Especially the small things, for those are what add up to the some of the best things in life.
As for diffusing resentment. It depends on so many factors... But probably the best overal advice I've ever gotten on this subject is this:
if you're hanging onto something, ask yourself why, then do whatever it is that will allow full forgiveness and acceptance. I find that most often, being honest and putting ego aside and leaning into a difficult but productive conversation is the quickest resolution. Examine and appreciate the intent behind whatever is causing resentment to build. Usually, the intent is much different than the result that is causing pain. If it's something that can be addressed, then do that. Trying to ignore it is insanity, and only breeds more resentment. Lose/Lose. When talking about things that make me squirm, I find it helpful to remember it's not about wrong or right. It's about finding a solution that works in the short and long term. Don't let things fester. My gramps used to say, "If it keeps coming up, it needs to come out.". He wasn't wrong.
Hope that helps. And if you ever want to chat, my email is [e-mail address removed]
Best of luck to you, and would love an update. <3
thank very much very much your response!
they deleted the email..
here is mine " natasa . krs 92 (at)gmail . com "(without the space ofc )
thank u for offering me to write with u, if u want to have some insides on my story (its very long..) here is my thread ( "moving in after together after long distance/online dating")
im going to check out the site!
SORRY Fun Butterfly: Hoping to hear from you too and I apologize for getting off topic on YOUR thread. We'll move this conversation to e-mail. Thanks in advance for your understanding.
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