Sexually frustrated in relationship and tempted by another man

I have been wih my partner for 4 years. We have a great relationship, and it is very loving. He is the person I want to spend my life with. The major problem is our sex life. I have a very high sex drive but I am lucky if we have sex a couple of times a month. When we first got together we would have sex multiple times on one night and it was passionate. Now we only have sex when he has morning wood and it is all over and done in 5 minutes. I have tried to spice things up and tried to talk but nothing improves. I think this problem has actually gone on for longer than I realised. My precious birth control subdued my sex drive so it never bothered me, but now it is back it is really upsetting me. Cue second guy. I have been attracted to second guy for a couple of years, it has always felt like there has been chemistry but I always pushed it away and avoided it due to the love for my partner. However recently this has slipped and there has been some very raunchy flirting. He is also in a happy relationship. I'm concerned our flirting has become dangerous but I really don't know how to stop myself. I don't want anyone to get hurt but I love my partner and want to be with him. I think this sudden flirting has been sparked by my sexual frustration. I cannot avoid second guy because he is a work associate. I am so confused and don't know how to deal with this.

First of all if you loved and respected your partner there would be no flirting especially raunchy flirting, second is have you let your partner know how you feel (sexually frustrated) maybe he doesn't know he's not pleasing you. Lack of communication can cause disloyalty/breakups and ect in relationships. Temptation is everywhere believe me I work in an environment where there are lots of females (eye candy galore) and I get flirted with almost on a daily basis but I know what's important to me in my life, just to get a quick F@#K here and there isn't worth hurting my partner especially if there good to you and very loving. You can avoid him you just don't want to maybe you like the attention or maybe you honestly don't care about your BF as you say you do... The choice is all yours so if you say your confused about it, I believe your not because your flirting back... I'm sorry if I sound a little harsh but best of luck to you

lifedreamer, When intimacy disappears in a relationship, is very hard not to feel frustrated. Talking from my own experience, i know that it makes you feel unwanted , or unattractive and you just cannot explain why things aren't the same. I have been too in a relationship for 4 years and i am experiencing the same problem, actually a bit worse, as my guy has started to watch porn,( which i find hurful), plus he just appears not to give a damn about my feelings. However, i never felt any attraction towards another male in spite of my frustration. So be aware that your flirting does not turn one day into more than flirting, because you will end up with other problems and you'll break your partner's heart. Try to talk to him, explain to him how you feel and if you cannot find a common ground then reassess the situation. Frankly, i do not understand myself why men lose interest to that extent! best of luck!

Lifedreamer As someone who's going through sort of a similar situation I understand how feeling basically rejected in that manner can make temptations much more apparent and luring. Now, that being said you're completely fast walking into a situation that very quickly will unfold the life you and your partner have built up together. When things get stale in that department it's completely a human reaction to begin noticing other possibilities and/or chances to get some sort of satisfaction where it's lacking, but that doesn't justify taking them. I'm sorry you're feeling this way but there should be no confusion when it comes to any further contact with your workmate. It's like BEAR061 said "if you loved and respected your partner there would be no flirting especially raunchy flirting" You really do need to talk to your partner more, there could be any number of reasons things have gotten this way. From personal experience, when I was the only one that seemed interested in something and trying to spice it up didn't seem to make any difference, I kind of gave up before really discussing it with my husband. By that point, I'd truly just lost interest myself. That's where you're headed, and it's no place to be. You're only adding to you're troubles quite literally by adding the workmate into the picture. It's clouding your already confused and hurt mind. In regards to your workmate, if you can't avoid him, simplify the relationship. Cut out all flirting, even if it feels innocent because you've passed a stage where any flirtation with this man can be innocent. Have a work only related connection to him. Shut off anything that could lead you down a path that could harm your home life before you even have a chance to work these things out with your partner. You do want to work them out right? Since you used such a descriptive word to describe your flirtation with your workmate, I'm only to assume that your partner would indeed feel hurt, wronged, and cheated. In his eyes I'm sure he would feel that you had cheated, even if physically you hadn't. The fact alone that you've allowed things to reach that point all while knowing it was wrong says that maybe you're feeling a little more than "sexual frustration" and there might be a deeper hand at play here. As browneyes and I have said, we've gone through a similar situation. We've both been sexually frustrated in our relationships. Truly I understand that frustration, as of late I'm lucky if it's once a month, but also like brown eyes I haven't felt that kind of chemistry with another male in spite of it. I suggest you take some time to yourself and really ponder the situation. Is it just "sexual frustration" that's lead you to become so interested in your workmate? Or is there something else that maybe you haven't admitted to yourself thats churning inside you? Think about these thins but don't hesitate to talk to your partner one on one where there are no distractions. I understand you've said you've talked to him before but now you know just how much it's affecting you. It's important you make it clear that it's becoming a very real problem for you. Let him understand where you stand, how you're feeling. Ask him about himself and where he stands. Ask him what he feels brought this all on as well as making yourself heard. Sometimes the most minor interruptions of our day to day lives can play a large cause to the thoughts and feelings that sweep us into a state of indifference. For my own marriage it was his lack of contribution to housework. How simple is that? Had I not given it real thought I may not have formed that conclusion. We are working on compromise now amongst other things to solve our issues. My point being, there are always those little factors we don't see that can have a vast impact on the relationship. Talk to him, hear what he has to say and make yourself heard as well. You can't get anywhere without some sort of starting point to making the situation better. I would love to hear back from you. I really and truly feel for your situation. I understand how easily an unexpected experience like your and your workmates can come about and how easily it can throw you out of your cycle in life. I wish the best for you and your future.

Thank you for all your advice. Second guy actually came on to me since last post but I stopped anything from happening and made it clear whilst we were both with our partners nothing could happen between us. He agreed it would be unfair to hurt them like that. It is something we have both done in the past to previous partners and did not want to repeat. However the flirting has continued and become more explicit. I decided to try and sort things with the boyfriend as I want us to work it out so much to stop this temptation. I directly told him how I felt, that I was sexually frustrated and why. He walked away from me. I asked him to discuss it with me. He said he had nothing to say. I told him I wanted and needed to talk about it. He ignored me and didn't speak to me all night. Now I feel like rubbish. I'm miserable that I cant speak to him about something so important but he has never been a talker of more intimate things like that. I feel a bit lost right now.

I know exactly what you are talking about and trust me there is nothing worse than being ignored when you try to sort things out or express yourself. I have the same problem and i confess that it makes me feel so unimportant and so unwanted, and it feels impossible to deal with it. But hey, God loves a trier, so give your bf another day and then approach him again.Unfortunately, i've done the same things 100 times by now, with no result, but maybe your situation is different and maybe your bf will listen. Hope you sort things out! Keep us updated!

That's awesome but you should completely stop the flirting, good things will fall into place it just takes time and if he continues to ignore you then maybe its time to let go. Maybe both of yall aren't ready for a relationship.. Good luck

So things have not gone well. After a few bad incidents with my partner I decided that my feelings towards my partner had changed, the final straw when I realised I was falling for other person. I spoke about this with him multiple times and I said I didn't love him anymore. He didn't want to give up, said he wanted to fight, but I said I couldn't anymore. He was saying he hated himself for driving us to this. After this I ended up sleeping with the other person. I felt awful for my current partner, I thought it would be easier for him to hate me than hate himself so I told him. He was crushed and went crazy. He's moved out and we have now gone separate ways. Other person said he will split with his girlfriend but he won't tell her about what happened with us, he is going to break it off gently. I've come to realise I want more from this other person, we speak every day, he knows this and I think he does too. I regret hurting my partner and I really wish I could have been stronger and broken our relationship fully first. Not only have I ruined one persons life and I have potentially ruined another girls. I've come to realise I always struggle to end a relationship when I should have, it always seems to take an attraction to another person for me to end things. It's not the first time I have done it in a relationship. I'm glad things are over I just wish I could have been sensible and done it under better circumstances.