Insecurity abound (long read)

So, I'm damaged goods. And I'd be the first to admit it, too. Not only that, but I'm a bit stubborn to a degree - I tend to push against advice at first, then slowly let it creep up and sink in as constructive. S'weird, I know. Mostly I want to get something out on a relevant medium for cathartic purposes. Plus it'd be helpful to know I'm not alone; That's where I feel the most support. I had a relationship once, only it was fake. I was manipulated by a pretty face into giving her a home away from her family and money to satisfy what little spending she did before she moved on to someone else. Nearly every aspect of the situation offered a great sense of security: She lived with me, admired no one else, seemed genuinely attracted to me (there may have been a sort of "fling" for her to start, I dunno), was eager to take care of me while I worked and could look me dead in the eyes to say she loved me. The abridged ending of the situation was that she was using my computer to be all lovey-dovey with some guy 500-some-odd miles away and was just using me. The 'relationship' lasted less than four months, and she was eager to move in with me within the second month. Her family - and my friend that set me up with her - all concede that I was played from the get-go. No ambiguity about it. I speculate that this eventually carried into an interest for polyamory; My need for security was somewhat diminished by a mutual agreement that love and attraction is free to spread out a bit, provided there's no secrecy or irresponsibility. Heh, the fact a partner kept me around was an outstanding affirmation of my worth. Good experience with the poly stuff, bad experience with one of the people. Gaw, what a vicious, unforgiving woman... Now I'm in something long-distance. We've met not too long ago, and sparks flew pretty brightly. But the issue of security is highly fragile, as I chose to go back to monogamy for her. And compared to my 'crushing defeat' before, the cards seem against me; She's 600 miles away, admires other guys (sometimes rather explicitly), is admired by others, makes jokes/comments implying unfaithful activity - et cetera, I know, we'll skip the list. As recently as last night she said that someone she hangs out with professed being in love with her. Now, she says that she'd 'violence' any girl that propositions me knowing I'm in a relationship. In my case, I'm simply not comfortable knowing about this guy's feelings. It's worrying, because the option is there for her. Heck, it's bad enough knowing that he's there and I'm, well, Not. Of course she jests, rationalizing his feelings with "Must be all the sex..." She knows I'm insecure, we've talked about it. But still these things slip out. I know it's a joke and it doesn't hit me negatively right away, but given time it sure doesn't help. And what's more? In my fake relationship, the girl left me for someone hundreds of miles away. Imagine my fear at the more plausible prospect of being left for someone much, much closer than me. Rips me up a bit. So it may not have been a strategically sound choice in falling in love with someone long-distance, but what'dya gonna do? Love happens, now it's all hard work to keep it going. She's got her crippling personal anxieties - was terrified I wouldn't like her for a myriad of reasons when we met - and I've got my security issues. At some point soon there's bound to be a closer, beneficial understanding of each other via talks, but for now I'm shaken up and needed to get this out. Thanks to anyone with enough time to waste on reading this. :P

I don't think this is about your " insecurity" , I truly believe you are choosing the wrong partners. communication and acceptance is so vital for a really loving relationship. Sound as if you are not appreciated for who you are but for what you have to offer. from what you wrote I can't tell what kind of person you are but I yhink you have to keep your insecure issues to your self ,establish friendship first before giving your heart away. Communicate even if it may be hard to say certain things, trust me the truth WILL set you free. I wish I could ask you some ???? but for now I will pray for you and be nice to you sounds like you are worth it.. by the way computers are great for a lot of things, relationships aren't one of them. lee