PeoplesProblems Logo

7 years the last time we do love make...

Default profile image
S-e-x advice Good evening/morning everyone. Where do I start? Well me and my husband is married now for 7 years and 3 mos. And my husband is older than me. When I get pregnant to my beautiful baby girl. me and my husband never had sex probably like, since I was 3 months pregnant. We talked before and he told me That its him. The problem is him. I want another baby again. And since I get pregnant before(7 years ago) we never do love making. Sometimes I feel like I just want to get pregnant by other guy but to think of it I really can't do it. It's just frustrating. So it's been 7 years the last time we do love make. I do want to feel love and want to feel secured. He is a good person. He is very nice, but I just don't know what to do.? I just want...hugs and tell me how he loves me so much. Honestly, sometimes I feel like I want to cheat. But I can't do that to him. I don't want to hurt him,but I'm hurt. I feel so depressed like I don't feel love at all

7 years the last time we do love make...

Default profile image
If the problem IS in fact him, he could have a performance problem. Possibly, he's too embarrassed to tell you. On the other hand, if he's just saying that the problem is him in order to make you feel better, it could be that he doesn't find you attractive.

Now I wouldn't recommend you cheating on your husband, especially if you value your relationship with him. I think you should tell him how you feel, and try to get him to tell you how he feels.

7 years the last time we do love make...

Default profile image
Thank you roseman for your response. He has a performance problem. We have age gap. Which is not an issue. We talk about it and I know it's hard for him too.

7 years the last time we do love make...

Default profile image
If your husband had been performing just fine up until you got 3 months into the pregnancy - the stage at which, I can't help noting, a pregnancy is commonly deemed sufficiently established for it to end in smiles (accordingly, being the point at which cautious or pessimistic women feel it finally safe to publicly broadcast the news) then, me, I get the strong suspicion that your husband considered it a case of - 'duty done, now I can cease having sex with her'. Otherwise, why then, why not the minute the pregnancy test showed positive? And even then, are we supposed to believe his alleged age-related decline in libido just happened, amazingly enough, to coincide with that particular, highly pertinent point along? (Yeah, right.)

Was this an arranged marriage? Did he just want children, perhaps (ref much older than you) having viewed you/this relationship as his last chance to become a father, but, following your daughter's arrival, considered one kid to be enough and to stop trying for any more, hence shut up shop (so to speak)? After all, going by what you say - neither does he give you any attention or affection, physically or verbally, any more - which he MUST have done, originally, in order to have seduced you enough times to even get you pregnant, right (common sense)?

Doesn't that tell you that he married you for reasons other than and possibly excluding true love and romance or, alternatively, perhaps already knew he was becoming less and less, or already no longer, keen on sex (and perhaps views it that if you can't have sex, why bother going to all the effort of being affectionate?) but didn't want to let on too soon in case it made you think twice about saying, I do?

Sorry if that upsets you, but that's the conclusion I'd be coming to if it were me, which aligns with what Roseman said (with the one adjustment of, didn't *ever* find you attractive in that way but did what he had to do to conceive).

I too recommend you push more firmly for some straight and honest answers. But if you come away with nothing but your fears confirmed, then this in my opinion is one of those rare situations where you *can* take a lover and not be considered immoral. After all:

[1] adultery is where you deny or deprive your contractual partner of their right to fairly regular sex as a standard marital relationship feature - hence the legal term, conjugal *rights* - which is not something you're doing (au contraire, you're trying to *give* these rights to him and only him; it's HE who's doing the denying and depriving);
[2] you have a very young daughter and her all-important emotional and financial welfare to protect. So if everything else is perfectly satisfactory, this being the one and only thing you can't tolerate, then why ['scuse pun] throw the baby out with the bathwater;
[3] the marriage isn't exactly sacred anyway if, as it appears, he somewhat duped you into it under such gravely false pretenses.

What you do have to do, however, to protect your moral standards and track record, including later in the eyes of your daughter once she's a lot older and capable of cottoning-on, is pre-inform him of this remedial decision of yours based on his refusal to meet your fundamental needs. If he himself doesn't want love, affection and sex to feature in this marriage yet equally doesn't care enough (like should anyone who calls himself a husband) about your feelings, needs and welfare not to make you have to suffer silently and helplessly because of him and only him, then that would be considered 'unreasonable behaviour', grounds for a divorce, anyway. So you'd rightfully have him by the short & curlies, either way.

Although, I, personally, wouldn't bother staying and taking a lover. What with your daughter (7yrs 3mths minus 9 months) being only 6-and-a-half, she's young enough that she'd adjust fairly rapidly to her father living elsewhere. More to the point (ref her welfare) I'd deem it more important to be role-modelling for her a normal, healthy, reciprocal love relationship, considering that it's from this that she'll be building her standard mental model, the very template she'll highly likely seek to replicate once she comes of dating then marriageable age.

With all of that said, however - exactly how old *is* he?

7 years the last time we do love make...

Default profile image
I think you should explain to him what you feel. Without blaming, lamentations and so forth. Tell him you want to have a baby, ask what he thinks about it, about you, about your family and future. And maybe he will reveal his secret and maybe will decide to resolve HIS problem with YOUR help.

This thread has expired - why not start your own?

B-2