Kramer v Kramer

I have been living at our present home for 6 years. It was going to be a new start for us after some very emotional turmoil concerning our youngest child, who tried to commit suicide. I saw the potential of turning a tired house into a lovely home. Although we have made some improvements we are now financially unable to carry out further improvements, with no hope of doing so in the foreseeable future. I have told my husband how unhappy I am living here, knowing there is no chance of turning it into a comfortable home, and suggested we might downsize and therefore have extra cash. He won't hear of us moving into a smaller house, even though we 'just' break even every month. I have been ill and unable to go out to work, therefore I also feel very guilty that I can't contribute to our outgoings. I had been working from home for several years as part of my husbands limited business, but his circumstances changed and I now do very little concerning the business. It was his choice to work on a more permanent basis for a company which meant my services weren't really needed. Now I feel so unhappy living in our present home, with no hope of making it presentable. I don't like inviting people round because everywhere looks such a state. I feel as though my husband doesn't even notice it. He is so busy with his career that he has little time at home and when he does he spends most of the time sleeping. We don't seem to be able to discuss our problems as when we do, he refuses to speak to me if he feels I might get upset or angry. I feel as though we just go round in circles and really don't know how we can come to any sort of agreement.

I found your story a very compelling read, so I thought that I would take the time to respond in the hope that what I write gives you a different viewpoint to consider. In the current economic climate, I'm sure that there are many households / families just about managing to get by (in a break even position each month), or a more severe predicament where debts are simply piling up each week and month as a result of increasing costs, whether they be insurance, mortgage interest rates, food, fuel... basically everything I can think of is costing more than the average pay these days. I imagine that your husband is feeling that he is fully responsible in for the household income (which he is), and this could explain why he is working so damn hard. The clear side effect to anyone prioritising work / business over spending time with family, is the people closest to them suffer (family and friends). In terms of doing up the house, you should be doing this for yourself, and not for your friends and visitors. If they are real friends, then they shouldn't judge you on the condition of your house or your posessions - they should value your friendship, and you should value theirs - simples. The downsizing topic you mentioned to your husband, as you say was a difficult discussion with him refusing to consider the option. Perhaps the logical side of your argument hasn't sunk in, or he has a different view point. Rather than pose the option to him again, try to find out what the main barriers or reasons are in his mind to lead him to the conclusion that this isn't possible. Maybe he doesn't want to downsize because he doesn't want to feel like he has failed - after all, he works his butt off, and he's always going to work his butt off, so why should he accept something less as a result of it? Perhaps he is worried what friends and family may think if you were to take on a lower mortage in a different house. I think that for many people, it is hard to take a few steps back from the achievements and accomplishments they have made, but what he has to realise, is that your circumstances have changed over the last few years, you have more of a home life, and you want to share a larger proportion of this time with him, enjoying each other, and spending time together with your children. If you are unsuccessful in agreeing to downsize, then would it be possible for you to work from home on a part time basis? Even if you were able to generate a small sum of money each week, at least you would be able to save up gradually to make changes to one room at a time in your house, perhaps starting with the room you spend most time in. Maybe you could look to change things around the home on a lower budget than you might have hoped for, and if the financial situation improves in the future, look to take the bigger leaps and investments then. Finally, if you want to achieve anything from the situation, maybe you could both take the discussion away from the house, to a noisy bar or coffee shop - somewhere much more informal, and where you can be creative in your thinking. If you want to arrive at some kind of agreement either way, or meet somewhere in the middle, you sound as though you need to try and take your emotions out of the discussion. Think about the pro's and con's of each scenario - maybe even scribble them on a bit of paper in advance to keep your mind on track during the conversation. Give him the opportunity to give rational explanations, and do not immediately defend your position, but show him that you are listening to what he has to say by summarising back to him what he's basically saying. I hope that you manage to resolve this, as I can see how it must be playing on your mind.

Hi, I understand how you feel about falling ill and not being able to work at the moment, because this happened to me when I was running a nice little business from home. It takes quite a while to readjust to. But I can see that like me, you are a creative person who is fond of your home and likes to see it looking nice. Don't worry about money or the lack of, because at the moment your bills are being paid even though there is not much left over to buy special things with. But its not that which counts. If you can bide your time until the situation eases, try to change little things, like make a new cushion etc. and be happy with small things, what matters here is that your original goal is still in view. I hope the turmoil you mention is now in the process of healing. Your friends won't mind the state of your home as long as they get a warm welcoming get together. I hope you can be happy again in your lovely home and be at peace there. Best wishes