Son won't talk to family

Our adult son and his wife won't speak to us now for 2 years. They won't speak to anyone on his side of family. They claim we have started a war with them. Our son has a daughter from a previous marriage and he and mostly his wife claim we favor her over their 2 sons. Which is ridiculous and we are very offended they would accuse us of this. Angry words and accusations were thrown back and forth. Our granddaughter rebelled at 14 living with them. They sent her to group home for 6 months where she got in more trouble. She chose to live with us and we found out stepmother was hitting her and calling her names. Now they won't talk to her either or let her talk to her brothers. I have apologized for our part in this but they won't answer emails or texts. Last summer we went to grandsons ball game and our son told us we weren't welcome and called police who did nothing. We don't know what to do and are very depressed about whole fiasco and wonder if we'll ever see our grandsons, the youngest one is 4 and doesn't even know us. Just really sad.

Sorry to hear your pain it is even harder to hear that children are also involved and are getting hurt in the mix of all this,my father remarried and treats me like garbage for a long time now it's not right at all that people make a new family and toss the old ones aside or treat them less then usual. I know through the problems I had with that I need family counciling may be that could help u out but if it's like you say they don't wanna communicate then there's little you can do. The adults need to communicate like adults and if not then have some sort of a mediator to help talk things out but if there not willing ...time and only time prey they change and don't stop trying then get the kids involved in the communication but first the adults gotta come together in my opinion do it for the children hope I could b of some sort of help..

Sounds like Son's wife is threatened by you in some way. She is a control freak and childish. Don't know of anyway to fix relationship with Son with her in picture. Can't believe your son called the police just because you were at a ball game. I know it's hard but somethings you have to let go and move on. If he wises up he will come back. If not it is his loss. The apologies that they ignore are just making her happy and more powerful. If you have other children I would concentrate on them. It's him/their choice to be hateful. I would also removed him from any Will. Once the children they have are older or adults they may seek you out or you can try and have a relationship with them then. I have a friend this happened to and it was the wife and her mother that were causing the problems. Eventually, the son came around as he left them alone. The more you fight for relationship at this time the more they will pull away. So Sorry your going through this. I wish you the best and hope life gets easier.

I do not see this as a jealousy issue but a grandparent issue. Your expectations of involvement and decision making in regards to your Adult sons life and parenting. Simply put your sons choices are his and are not up for discussion you are there to lend him a helping hand and back him up and nothing more. The accusations of abuse could honestly be teen rebellion playing parents against one another...it happens all the time. If this were true or the case CHS/DHS and they would relocate. You jumping in to play hero with your granddaughter does your relationship with your son no good. Your family told you what was the problem and you lashed out at them and became the victim. You showing blindly up to your grandsons game shows how little respect you have for your son and his wife.

Thx for your responses. It's nice to get other perspectives. As to just a momma and student, I agree that I was too involved with my sons life. There is a big back story here with him. He was always a problem child, very social and in trouble at school. Barely graduated, was taking drugs And alcohol. Had to get him out of jail twice. He joined Navy and met girl in boot camp. After camp and a couple months he went awol to be with This girl in California. She had a two year old son from previous marriage. He lied to us about where he was but we found out. He spent a week in brig and was discharged from Navy. He moved in with girl and I would get phone calls from him after their big fights wondering what to do. Eventually they got married, we went to wedding and hoped for the best. We love him unconditionally and we never held his actions against him. A month after they were married I found out she was working as a stripper, we were devastated. So three months later they decide to move here in Iowa. They lived with us for 3 months and then got an apartment. We thought she was done with stripping but she snuck around and started doing it here. They were gonna get divorced but she got pregnant. We hoped for best and grew very close to her son. Thought things were going good and granddaughter was born and we were thrilled. Two years later we find out she is stripping again. AND she met an older rich man who she seduced And started playing him and getting money from him. She is a pathological liar and told us many. I really believe my son was in on getting money from him. He eventually got fed up and separated and set off a 5 year divorce and custody fight of which I gave him $25,000. She moved in with her sugar daddy and we never got to see her son again and played all kinds of games to keep granddaughter away from her father. We were devastated and scared to death that she would take granddaughter away to California and we would never see her again like her brother. We worried she would be a horrible influence on granddaughter of course. Throughout all this drama we supported him unconditionally and helped him financially and grew very close to granddaughter because he was at our house a lot as we were there to babysit for him and there emotionally. When she was three he still wasn't divorced but he started dating granddaughters preschool teacher who granddaughter liked very much. Eventually they got engaged even though he wasn't divorced yet! We really liked new girlfriend and she loved granddaughter. We thought this is great, we won't have to worry anymore and I won't have to help him as much. He finally got divorced by the time granddaughter was 9. He ended up getting full custody because ex left and went back to California, yeah, All was good, they got married and got pregnant with first son. We were so close to all the drama and now things were settling down finally. Of course we were still close to granddaughter but we started noticing that step mother was overly strict. Things that were once ok with son are now frowned upon. We were soon getting blamed for granddaughters bad behavior and that we spoiled her and enabled her. It's true that we were overly protective of her because of the past, always worried that she would be taken from us. And I did buy her too many things like most grandparents do But not excessively. We were criticized for petty things and couldn't do anything right. So we backed off and grandson was born. Things were good for awhile then she started saying we favored granddaughter and we were criticized more and more. Once I got chewed out because I told my granddaughter she had pretty hair! They told me I was gushing over her. Anyway time went on like this and the more I tried to show them we had no favorites the more they tried to prove I did. They claimed we never wanted grandson to stay over at our house unless we had granddaughter too. When he was one he started staying at our house but with his sister there too because he would cry if she wasn't going to stay so yeah that was true. But eventually we got him to stay without her when he was 5. So stepmom got pregnant with number 2 son. While pregnant something happened with hormones cause she turned into total bitch. Even son said so and everything was her way or no way and she has bad temper. Her and granddaughters relationship got bad as she was now 13 and showing her own personality. They clashed and granddaughter was grounded All the time and spent a couple years in her room. After baby was born things got worse and they almost got divorced but son didn't want boys to go Thru that. I just backed off and attributed it to teenage years and with step mom postpartum depression. I don't like conflict so I tried to just keep my mouth shut but things were getting worse and I was tired of being accused of favoritism and other petty shit. I invited both grandkids to stay at our house and granddaughter declined and I understood that she was older now and didn't want to stay with us like she used too. I totally understood as I was the same at that age. Somehow stepmom got it in her head that we won't want him to stay without granddaughter and she said grandson said this also. I don't know how he could have come up with this on his own because we had him over on his own before. I think he overheard his parents talking and picked up on this. I was angry and tired of being accused of these things and the more I tried to spend time with grandson the more they fought me, almost like they were gonna prove they were right by not letting me do things with him. So a big texting fight entailed and things were tense. At xmas they acted weird and not very friendly. Granddaughter acted strange too, she was very quiet and sat biting nails. I had bought her ughs for xmas and when she opened them she looked strange. Unbeknownst to me my son said he told me not to get them for her. I don't remember that conversation so as soon as they got home he called me and complained. He said they were too expensive for her and made her take them back. Another fallout and we didn't here from them for months. Then in June I get a phone call from her brother in California wanting to know what happened with his sister because his mom got a call that she tried to commit suicide. I immediately call my sons house and start questioning stepmom. She said oh sure you call when it's about granddaughter! They had cut us off after xmas and wouldn't answer email, texts or calls. Come to find out they had committed granddaughter to hospital a month before and didn't tell us. She had been cutting herself and claimed she wanted to kill herself. She was getting in trouble at school with drugs and alcohol and parents found out and turned her in to police. They put her in hospital for month and put her on all kinds of meds then decided to put her in group home for troubled kids. I found out where she was and called her a few times til her dad found out and wouldn't allow it. So I worried all the time And about a month later she calls me and tells me she was with 3 boys and they had stolen a van from group home and ran. They were out of gas and didn't know what to do and wanted me to come and get them! The police ended picking them up and taking them back. She got charged and got probation. Things didn't get much better after that. Her dad and stepmom were so mad at her they couldn't get over it. They were supposed to go there for family therapy once a week and they didn't keep up on that, stepmom only went once. So they never worked on the problems. Come October a staff member calls and said it was ok for me to talk to granddaughter because she had no other family to talk to her. We went to visit and she told us about abuse. Being hit and given bloody nose and being attacked by stepmom with dad having to pull her off. Called a whore and spic. Being told she's gonna be a stripper like her mom. She said she won't go back home that she will run away. Her dad didn't think she was ready to come home and stepmom didn't want her to because she thought it wasn't safe for her boys! Anyway his insurance would not pay for the group home so she would either have to go to foster care or title 19 type group home. The state prefer they go with family and asked us and we said yes, That was October and her dad and stepmom made it very hard to communicate. At first stepmom would send letters but they would not get together with her or let her see her brothers. They said she was a bad influence. They didn't contact her at xmas or her birthday. Finally after xmas they agreed to meet. That went ok we thought but I guess she didn't beg Their forgiveness enuf and now won't talk to her again. We have tried and tried to get them to communicate but they won't. I think they are so mad that she is with us that they can't get over it. They would rather her be in foster home or group home than with us. I feel if she hadn't come with us she would be in juvenile prison. She has a strong personality like her real mother but she has been doing great here. We gave her a chance to prove she can be responsible, she drives, she has a job and get good grades. She wants to go to college to be a vet. I thought her and her dad could have worked out their problems by now and we have always toldt her to apologize and forgive But he has no interest in reconciliation with her or us. She is very hurt by this. She did some bad things but it shouldn't be held against her forever. How can you work things out when your parents seem to have abandoned you Very sad Sorry this is so long it's just that we have been through so much with him and we don't deserve being cut off from our grandsons