An office affair. Maybe.

I'm going to dispense with the backstory since I have already had to write this two other times. I lost it both times due to technical issues. Basically. I am married for 10+ years. Kids. But it has been an emotional black hole for 7+ years. We have only ever had sex with each other. High school sweethearts. It's just as bad as everything else in out marriage. I haven't been happy in so long I can't remember. I have had a crush on my married coworker for a couple of months now, even though we have been working together for a year. I can't contol the attraction. I don't know why. I find excuses to talk or spend time together at work. Lately we have been going out for lunch or drinks outside of work occasionally. But usually with other coworkers too. I didn't think it was a mutual thing. A bunch of us from work went out to the bars and clubs to hang out. We played some bar games. Went to a few different places. At a club we danced together for a little while. But everyone was dancing together. We ended up alone for a little bit. I acted on my crush and we kissed. A LOT. And hugged and caressed and kissed and laughed and held hands. It was amazing and I was so happy that our feelings were mutual. Hopefully anyway. It may have just been the alcohol. But I hope not. I'll find out on Monday when we talk. What do I do if it was just a mistake on my coworkers end? It is all I have been thinking about all day. How am I supposed to get over my crush if I am shot down? I might just reconsider divorce again very seriously if that happens. I want emotional joy. I don't care what it takes now. My marriage is a sham. I just am SOOOOO very sad that I will not have the same time with my kids as I do now. I hope it turns into the affair I am hoping for. I don't care for anyone to tell me I am a bad person. If you do, I will ignore the comment. I don't need you to tell me that society thinks my personal choices are unacceptable. ....and the pursuit of happiness.... Who else has had an affair at work?

Do the right thing by yourself, your spouse and your marriage by ending it or trying to sort it first. Your co-worker is in the same boat as well. It's nigh impossible to succeed at another relationship if you dont end the current one properly. One door needs to close all the way before another can open. You need to close the door properly on your marriage, as does your co-worker, otherwise you risk going into an unhealthy situation with your co-worker where there will be no winners. Bad person?...no, but make sure you handle your situation with dignity and respect and extend it to all involved.

I know what I should do. I know what I want to do. I just don't know what I am going to do. There are a lot of factors to this situation.

Like I said before I was going to dispense with the backstory of my current relationship. I'm 32. I know. I sound like some windswept teenager in the first post. I'm was just a little emotional. The kissing is not the reason. It is the motivation. I'm a realist. I know the office thing isn't going to work even if it does happen. It won't be long term. But it showed me that I still have a chance to be happy with someone. It's not impossible. You kind of forget that after being with someone for over a decade. We both know we have very bad problems. We have talked about divorce before. We have gone to counseling before. We have talked about goon BACK to counseling. I even talked to a religious based counselor from her belief set to try and set some stuff up. It didn't pan out. I know exactly why I was able to be swept away by another married person. Because I do not love my partner as a partner should. That love is like family love or a lifelong friend. Because that is what our relationship is. We just happen to have two kids, share money, a house, responsibilities and have occasional sex, that isn't very good. And never was. I lost the connection many years ago. W have had many problems in our marriage. But the last straw was my spouse had a drinking problem that killed what was left of our relationship. But I was a coward and stayed around. But I still can't forgive the past. Everything in the past. All our issues. That is my problem. Too many hurts that I can't let go of in a way that will allow our relationship to continue and grow. I let go of them right along with my love. This is just an eye opener. I AM still desirable. I CAN have a second chance. It's just a very hard thing to do. I have to destroy my life as I know it. That's is scary. An affair seems safer.

Well. I cleared things up at work. But I feel like the biggest ass in the world for now. At least my CW is an understanding person and supposedly isn't upset with my admitting I had a crush to begin with. It was just a mistake. We all were a little wild that night. Hopefully this whole thing can just be forgotten in time. I have also decided to do something active about my marriage once and for all. It is either going to get fixed or get finished. I can't keep feeling dead inside. i don't want to waste my life being unhappy either way. I'll let you know how things get on at work and home. Maybe.