I'm really wanting perspective!!!

My now "ex" and I met about 12 years ago. After 4 great years together and being engaged together she cheated on me with a guy who was a part time bartender. She said she was sorry (she was 24 and I chalked a lot of it up to immaturity) and for the next year and a half we stayed together to work on things. She ended up leaving me to go to him...again. She admitted that a large portion of that year and a half she was seeing him behind my back. Needless to say I was done. Two months later she was back at my door begging to come back. (More circumstances that I could go into here led to us getting back together). Then after a few years of feeling VERY close but not intimate (I think you can understand what I mean and why), I cheated. She tried to work it out but then found the guy she cheated with from years ago on Facebook, quit her job, moved to where he was and in with him. Other than the fact that he finally had a job I'm trying to understand and come to grips with what happened. One of the last things she said back then when she and I got back together was that he was someone she could never be with even if she and I didn't get back together. I just couldn't go back to an ex that was responsible for so much crap in my life in the past.

"I just couldn't go back to an ex that was responsible for so much crap in my life in the past." What do you need advice for?? I think it is pretty clear what you shouldn't do...

I guess I was wanting a little more analysis or perhaps I do to much. I wasn't referring about she and I getting back together. But rather she and him.

Sorry, a little complicated this post. If you would tell me more about your real issues... Everyone leaves behind other people, but how does this effect you exactly? What is it you need help with?? Can't move on? It is a little bit dry writing. Yes you feel guilty, yes it is hard. All I can say is find someone else or find a way to embrace life to keep going, to survive. And posting this again, I didn't say I wasn't going to help you with more detail...

Thanks for getting back with me. Yeah in the end I got nuts and cheated with another woman. This was years after she had cheated on me. You hit the nail on the head about having difficulty moving on. To be as explicit as I can, I was having a little problem with alcohol. Not an alcoholic but using it too much because the girl I was with was making me crazy making me thing my ex (the girl I had been with forever and had cheated on) was trying to break into my house and steal things. Later I found out it was the girl I was cheating with! But anyway to stay on point. My ex knew I hated the taste of alcohol but knew I was binging it to deal with the issues. So she throws up that other guy she cheated on me with years ago and says she found him on facebook. I was stone sober when she said it. I just laughed and said if you want him back go for it. I just couldn't go back to an ex that had been so long ago and had caused so many problems in my (her) life back then. He even gave her chlamydia. But she did and once I came to my senses and got rid of and away from the psycho I sobered right up and felt a ton of pain ever since. We had been together total of 12 years, even though we were separated by that affair for a year. But it hasn't gone away and that's been 3 years ago. The real reason I think she originally returned to me after cheating on me and leaving me for him all those years ago are two reasons. She still wanted to "party" and not to the 9-5 thing, and he had no job or degree so she high tailed it back to me when she woke up as to what she had done. Plus a guilty conscious. I know it shouldn't matter but I just couldn't imagine going back to someone I had cheated with while in a relationship with someone else. It may seem romantic but I don't know peoples conscious let them do what they do.

And sorry to hear about everything that's going on in your country.

Oh, man! You shouldn't have said go back to your ex, she must have taken this as, "I don't care!" You know, like an insult. She wouldn't know you meant it would be stupid to do such a thing. In my experience it is always the miscommunication that causes so much grief in relationships. You say something, but mean another thing, and the person you talk to, takes this as she hears it, and does something wrong she will never come back from. Yeah. But about the partying, you are having trouble accepting, "Why did she do this to me? Why would she do this to me?" And you tried doing the same thing to understand why she had done this to you. She cheated, you cheated after, but still wouldn't make any sense to you? I should say, you trying to change who you are, trying to be like her to bring sense to your relationship, bad move. I know being in a relationship, you have to share one mind, one heart and other stuff. But if you lose sight of who you are, that means you lose your meaning. When nothing means anything anymore, you lose the harmony in between yourselves. And you try stupid ideas. I am not a fan of alcohol, so I can't really comment on that one. But I am sure it is not a solution drowning your sorrows. Instead you should try to be more open and honest with yourself, and with the person you are with. But not the literal truth, honesty as in things you would rather forget, this takes some practice. So, you can't just speak from the heart one minute and think it is enough another. You have to keep practicing. Just stop worrying. It happened. You tried and failed. You have to move on. But to move on, you have to fix your past and let go. Which means you have to figure out why did you really cheat on her? Maybe you didn't want to be with her, maybe you saw what you wanted to see in her, it wasn't obvious to you somehow. It's normal. Focus on reality. Not on what you wanted. It is the only way to heal yourself. You can see some parts of who she is, but it isn't enough. They might be excuses, or half-truths. Be sure to see clearly. If you can't discuss it with me, discuss it with yourself, it is always better to write about things you can't say out loud. Yeah, thanks for your last comment. I can't fix them, but at least I can fix people's issues if they let me...

Well I think I had the affair because she seemed to quit caring and gained like 60 pounds. Put it this way. If I had had an affair to begin with and then looked her up on facebook and came running to my current girl and said "Hey look who I found again", I would expect her to say what I said which was.. If that is who you want then go for it. I just couldn't imagine going back to someone I already said... "We that was a mistake" about one time. To go back would be like saying "Oh no they weren't a mistake. I just wanted you back at the time (for whatever reason) more than I wanted them. I just couldn't imagine say if she came back to me now and we worked things out. I couldn't imagine years later even in a bad time finding the girl I had the affair with and saying "Hey look who I found".

I was right. The best you can do is let this go and move on if you can. It's just too complicated. I would hate something too complicated clouding my judgement.

That's the BIG problem I'm having. It's been 3 years now and I've not moved on. I think about this every day and can't believe what an idiot I was for doing that. We had been together for so long and I had my head up my ass too long and she was tired of waiting. This isn't a jealousy thing. I'm just royally stressed and upset. Every time I see a movie I think of her and a song too. It's just makes me wonder where I was during that time and I have tried to find someone else to help me move on with but can't even seem to do that.

Nope not a jealousy thing. This is a guilt thing. The only way to beat guilt is to accept that this had to happen the way it did. To do that, I go over everything ever happened in my head one by one, and decide if I was really going to take a different action, did I have choices I would consider? Did I know something about myself to help me know the outcome of this action if I didn't go through with it? Aren't I better right now? Because I made this mistake? Don't I know more about myself? You have to figure it out. There is no other way. You will feel worse, but then again you will feel better. And finally move on.

Oh believe me I have. If you've seen that movie Groundhog Day it's that bad. I could have had her back. The other girl I was with staged a break in of my house to make it look like the ex did it only I knew the ex couldn't have done it and but I sat around wondering so long and twiddling my fingers about do I want my ex back or just start over that she was gone. These things happen faster than you realize even when they are giving you time! You don't think about the memories and the mutual loves and the past your share then cause you are so caught up in everything else and the bullshit. Part of mine too was a bit of a mid life crisis too. Don't know how old you are but the world takes on a different perspective when you reach mid 40s. If it's mid 20s or even 30s it hurts no doubt! But you subconsciously have that feeling of "more time and more people" to recover from and with. When you are my age most people are either married and happy, married and unhappy but going nowhere, divorced and saddled with kids. None of those options are great when you are a single person and yes that's even after being on the dating web sites. It's just tough to know we (and I truly believe this) would be quite happy for the most part if we had gotten back together. And I say that cause I would have woken up to a lot of realities I needed to. But of course you are right. The only reality there is now is the one that exists now. As I say my BIGGEST hangup has been how could she go back to someone she not only cheated on me with, but that same person that she tried to make a go with a relationship with and it failed and she pretty much left tread marks to get away from and she told him to leave her alone. Told him that he was not someone she would want if we didn't even get back together (back then). I just mean in comparison if the girl I cheated with ran into me I would almost get nauseated. There's just not a single girl I ever cheated "with" that I sit here and ponder about. That is what has mystified me I suppose.

I'm sorry, but this, this is pretty much you will feel until you won't anymore. "how could she go back to someone she not only cheated on me with, but that same person that she tried to make a go with a relationship with and it failed". Till as I said, you see clearly, no more worry in you, that this had to happen, and there was no other way for you to live this. You will see this is over when there is only deep seated sorrow and understanding in you. I call this forgiveness of self. You will curse at yourself, drive yourself mad, but it will only work when you can really feel this till your chest explodes with agony, without any excuses or second-guesses, you will see it. With excruciating clarity. This is the only way... It doesn't matter what age you are. Each age brings different challenges to your life. You have to look at them as game play, and when they are over, you should see what is left for you, what did you learn from them. And what you don't ever want to repeat. Can you take it back? Can you go back in time and erase the mistake? You can't! That would be unreal. So, if you keep thinking about erasing this mistake, than you are not thinking logically, when you can't reason with your pain, then it means you are not really feeling it, running away or hiding behind excuses. Don't.