I spent $100+K on her in a year but I'm "MEAN"

Really need advice, please. Let me say first, "I love her." If I didn't, I wouldn't be writing this, but I guess that is obvious. There isn't a problem with sex here, or unfaithfulness. It's about money. I'm 50, male, reasonably fit and ok looking, worked hard all my life, worth $2m (most of it in very liquid assets, only mentioned as sadly it's relevant…), divorced, kid 18, good independent ex-, no problems at all there. I've very little income because my work has dried up because of the recession/depression; so income comes almost all from my investments. She's 40, pretty, East European, divorced with son 13 (her ex- is abroad and pays nothing), met her in winter 2009 on a dating site, started living together at her place (son's school nearby) after 3 months. She'd lost her financial services job in early 2009, living off state benefits of about $1,400 pm including homeloan interest since. I'm told she has no real savings, but I have no way of knowing (she knows my position very exactly). She owns 3 properties, one apparently in the name of her son and where her ex lives abroad, another is rented out and breaks even, and the third is where she lives. Her son and I get on terrifically, so this isn't about him at all. Unfortunately, he's aware of the issues here, and tells me (heart-rendingly) how he would really, really like to help. OK, here we go. In our first year together, and not counting even a solitary dime that I spent exclusively on myself or on my house which is far away, I spent $101,000 on her. Yeah, $101,000 in exactly 12 months. 70% of which came from selling investments when their value was still rising. My spending on myself, my house and my kid in the same period was under $10,000 (not included in the $101,000). I can't afford this. The stockmarket's probably peaked, things are on the way down, it is a time to conserve and not burn money. I only worked the $101,000 figure out in desperation, after she just would not stop spending on creditcards, of which she has had half a dozen. She'd keep saying the total was much less (spending someone else's money is easy!) This $101,000 includes all the food, utilities, traveling, paying off a big loan she'd entered into before meeting me, and over $35,000 on clothes, bags and shoes. Plus she had gotten state benefits too, so the total amount she had coming in that year was $118,000 with no tax deductions. If she'd done the grocery shopping, rather than me, the total would have been a lot higher still, as she "has" to have the very best of everything. If there's a jar of jam that costs $3 and another that costs $20 but with a fancy label, it "has" to be the second one. I gave up with this and took over doing the weekly grocery shop. I've cut back every possible way on things I want to spend on myself. Even after I proved to her on paper how much I'd spent, she kept arguing it was much less, and I'm even embarrassed to repeat some of the nonsensical arguments she used (which made no accounting, finance or maths sense). All along this time she would complain I'm mean, stingy, "never give her money" etc, and her constant threat was because of my alleged miserliness she'd have to get a job, which meant, she said, giving up the relationship because it would be a high-powered job and she'd given up trying to juggle home life and business in the past. So this was a bit like blackmail. Also, given what has happened in the financial services world since 2007, I think the kind of job she talks about barely exists and she could. I repeatedly said I had no objection to her getting a job, that I'd do (even) more of the housework, I'd be as supportive as possible, and that the vast majority of women who didn't have small kids worked. I'd never had a relationship with someone who didn't work. She has no female friends who were born in the country, all her circle were from the same East European state as her, and I think that's part of the issue. They are so unrepresentative it is unreal. Most of them allegedly don't work except on shopping and have husbands who allegedly give them whatever they want (I kinda doubt the last bit, though). I only met one of these "friends", probably the one with the biggest influence, and found her appalling, as she made it clear she despised the man she was with and once drunk over the phone cursing him for some imagined infidelity asked me how she could screw him out of all his money. I was told he "did nothing for her" and "owed everything to her" (he was rich long before he met her, actually) but I found out he'd actually bought this friend a house in her own name. Obviously, that counts as nothing. This is the most influential friend by far, sadly. Back to the GF. She "needs" a lot more sleep than I do. I work, she spends maybe an hour and a half per day with me on average, but I'm told I'm the cause she never has any time to accomplish anything. As 2009 ended, I turned down the $$$ tap, and this caused break-ups. Since then it has been very rocky, with short stays together, rows etc. One of most riling things is that she has the nerve to BLAME her wildly irresponsible spending (over $35,000 on clothes, bags, shoes in one year, you remember) ENTIRELY ON ME. Yes, she says if I'd have just given her the cash instead of paying her endless stream of creditcard and other bills, she'd have invested it instead. This is like unreal, as at any point in time from spring 2009 there were 3 creditcard bills owing and about 15+25=40 days of her spending on each of them (she just would not stop; even holidays were marred by her insistence she HAD to go and spend say $1,500 in some tourist-trap shop selling vastly overpriced, poor-quality junk; when "that perfect jacket" broke its zip within a week of the holiday ending, do you think she'd have learned? Not at all.). Partly or largely because I've worked really hard teaching her son, he's managed to get a scholarship for a new school. She's given me the clear impression that I "owe" her the school fees saved, since otherwise it would have been down to me to pay them. Why, you may ask, didn't I set a budget and refuse to pay for more? Well, it was clear that whatever I set and gave her would be spent as she chose, and it would have been left to me to additionally pay for all the essentials, as I repeatedly pointed out. So it wouldn't be "all inclusive" at all. Seven months into the relationship, she has begun to insist that the relationship cannot go on like this, "we cannot go on living like this". She clarified this means she, coming from a very traditional background, needs to be married. Her siblings lived with their partners for years (in one case, over 5) without being married, but… So, I swallowed my fears and said fine, let's get married. I said we'd have an all-inclusive spending budget of $4,100 a month, but that had to include food, gas etc. Then the tune changed somewhat, to first there has to be a financial settlement. She proposed I pay off her mortgage of about $350,000. I flat-out refused. It then changed to I should pay her two years' worth of budget up front (so $4,100 x 24 = $98,000) which she would invest and also use to pay for household things from month to month. But what's to stop her just dumping me as soon as she gets such a lumpsum, and who says she'd use the money as agreed? Note this is even before marriage. What later, then? And when her benefits dry up - she's pointed out how much she'll lose and that I must make that up to her financially. I've said I do not buy a woman. I deserve better, and it is below me, and should be below her, but that doesn't cut any ice, and it is presented as further "evidence" of how bad, uncaring, mean etc I am, and how insecure I make her etc. This forces me to calmly repeat how much has been spent, that it cannot go on, etc. The latest is repeated reminders I must start the promised $4,100 per month allowance immediately, but it has just been revealed that I should also make pension contributions for her at the same time. So, "all inclusive" is not at all "all inclusive", and there's other add-ons, so the idea of limit or budget is an epic fail. I am unendingly reminded she spends "all (her) time on (me)", but IMO that it is BS. She basically does what she wants, off dancing several times a week, shopping, endless chats with her innumerable friends. No doubt she's a good mom to her son, but that isn't relevant. She cleans obsessively, and probably I'm a bit messy, but I do more housework then most men. (Yes, she wants a maid…) Her latest pattern is to calm down, settle me in, and then re-start a fusillade of complaints against me for my meanness etc. (In total since we started dating in winter 2009, so counting the first few months too, and the start of 2011, my spend on/with her, not counting anything just for me, or all the state benefits she collects, now totals well over $115,000 in 16 months – how the Sam Hill is that being "mean"?). The threat that she will "go back to work" (a job that exists only in her imagination, they're laying-off fast in the banking sector, hardly recruiting) and therefore end the relationship is often repeated. The job she would be likely to get, and I do know this sector well, would give her at most $30,000 per year after taxes and traveling. I have never ever been in anything like this before. I've never before been told I'm mean, selfish, stingy and that *I* LOVE MONEY FAR TOO MUCH. Well, it is solely my careful ways with money (I worked 100 hour weeks for much of my life) that permitted all her spending sprees and extravagances. And now it is that she "cannot trust me"… boy, do I see it the other way around. Who paid for everything? She flat-out refuses to come to joint counseling, saying the counselor will not be of the right class and will not be able to understand. I have tried to interest her in running a joint business (IMO half the problem is she's got too much time on her hands) which I could buy as a going-concern, but her interest in this is near zero. She wants get-rich-quick schemes (no end of books on this), not hard work that will be needed. She's never run a business (I've run four). I have been getting suicidal. The world's in for and experiencing bad times, and a lot of this is down to greedy bankers. (Oops!) Needless to say, there have been some great times. But. When I try talking to her that this is abnormal, it is not how it happens in the West (I'm pretty certain it doesn't happen in East Europe either), I get told I am talking nonsense and that she has a headache. Heard that a hundred times. If I ask how this panned out in her previous marriages, she says then she was naive. IS THERE ANY HOPE OF SALVAGING THINGS? It is not that I think I can't find anyone else. I'm fitter, better-looking and kinder than many 50 year olds. Am I just making the inevitable hurt even worse by dragging this out, hoping against hope? Advice, please. Say the obvious by all means. Perhaps I will show the replies to her and perhaps it might make her see some sense, or even make me see that she is right (?) Thanks. I am desperate. )-:

You are spending your own child's inheritance here. My father did this, had a run for his money for five years and then went back to my Mum. Quit while youre ahead. All good wishes.

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Hi , Hope your ok ! Im actually speechless !! Is this woman for real , Im sorry but i will be brutally honest with you , this woman is clearly using you for your money alone and has the cheek to come up with excuses that are pure nonsense and dont make any sense , like getting a job and not been able to see you ??? what the hell do the rest of the worlds couples who have jobs each and kids and houses to run ?? what a pathetic excuse !! Im a married woman with 2 kids with a husband i adore , he earns good money but i work full time to , to take the pressure of him i pay half of all the house hold bills and wouldnt have it any other way as i love him and my opinion is why the hell should he pay for it all , I dont need fancy diamonds and presents of him to prove his love for me its in the love and care he shows me everyday that matters , Ive had both sides of the coin and money doesnt buy my love ! we both share the household running and thats what its all about , she sounds like a nasty piece of work who doesnt care about your finances or feelings she is only greedy for the money you have and will continue to threaten you with leaving and calling you stingy while she is still getting her hands on your hard earned cash !!! Do you realise the amount of single women out there who would love a honest kind generous man like you and wouldnt try to milk you for every penny you worked so hard for !! never mind expect it or demand it ??? as for going to a counsellor ! are you serious that she would even consider sitting down with a professional and telling them her bullshit excuses for the way she treats you etc !! No because they would see through her and tell her the truth which she knows that this is not a loving relationship she is with you for $$$$ only im sorry !! go to counselling yourself it will be the best money you could spend they will get through to you hopefully and keep your money for yourself and your son who will need as much help in the future with the world economy the way it is or you will be the one out on the street and she will be the one living the high life and making her moves onto another vunerable decent man with money until she bleeds them dry also !! this is not a loving relationship its toxic just like your girlfriend take my word for it ! take care and i really hope you listen to me never mind showing her this as she will have her spin on how im talking crap !! shes a clever woman remember and doesnt and wont speak a word of truth as she is ruthless when it comes to getting your money and losing more respect for you by the day for letting her .. I hope you get her out of your life and find a woman who wants you for you not your bank balance , believe me shes out there !! take care and God bless

You might love her, but she doesn't love you and you know it. Find someone else.