My dilemma

Okay, I'll start off sharp. I'm in a 3 year relationship, I live at his and I'm unhappy. I've been unhappy for a while now and I keep trying to make things work by planning something and thinking this will make things better - when it never, ever goes to plan. So my expectations get crushed so badly. And I'll think why did I fall for this again and then I'll plan something else. So it's a huge cycle. I can have a really short period of time where things seem great and I'm laughing and i'm very content and then he'll do something and it just ruins it all. For example, we both have time off work purposely so we could spend time together and he's planned a day with his friend (which is fine) but it hurts so much that he doesn't care or see where I'm coming from. We planned lots of stuff to do and it's exactly the same as any other day and I just make up things that I hope will happen. I know it doesn't mean nearly as much as it does for me. We're very different in maturity levels and how we deal with things and his particular way is not something I admire. I'm confused because I have deep feelings for him but it's not what I expected love to be? It's so far from what makes me happy. I'm overly paranoid all the time and I've just stopped having repeated dreams of him cheating (which he hasn't done) and I think this is becuase he lies a lot, so everything he says I never believe anymore. I want to leave but then I change my mind and feel an empty feeling. I'm scared about being alone and the whole break up drama that comes after. I'm unsure if I do truly love him or I love the relationship things that I could do with someone who actually seems to respect and love me - cuddles etc. I'm always welcome to go back to my parents but there's a lot of family issues that play on my mind when I'm there and I'm not sure if I could cope with everything. I don't have enough money to get my own place so I feel like I'm stuck here until I find my feet. Is this a normal thing? It's pretty much a love hate relationship. But when I hate him, I really do hate him. I've rambled a lot here and crammed a lot into a small paragraph. I think I just needed to type it out which has also made me feel better. I have spoken to him about how I feel but nothing changes, he'll do the things I say I'm upset about half an hour later. I'm feeling very trapped and I just want to run away and leave everything behind. Has anyone else felt like this? Any advice is appreciated. Thanks for reading. (Sorry if it probably makes no sense)

This makes a lot of sense, actually. I lived this. For 24 years. If you're unhappy, and hoping for change.... leave. He is who he is, and hoping things will change only prolongs your suffering. My husband was, and is, emotionally unavailable. His choice, and there's nothing wrong with that, it just required honesty, and singledom. Do some research on the subject and see how much rings true. Regardless of that, if you're this unhappy, and looking for options and ways out, then you have your answer. If I could do it, after 24 years, no job, no car, and no real family... It was scary, but I'm already so much happier. And I only left a couple of months ago. I stayed with a dear friend for a bit, found a car I could pay cash for that will get me by, and found a furnished room to rent. Utilities included. Depending on where you live, there are many resources available, or just save up til you can get into a place. Although rooms/house shares generally are very cheap even at move-in. It was an adjustment, but it didn't take long for me to realize something. I didn't miss him. Not him, specifically. I missed having a companion sometimes. But I didn't miss HIM. I also didn't miss sharing a bed. I grew very fond, very quickly, of doing exactly as I pleased, and not feeling confused and disappointed all of the time. I eat what I want, while I want whatever movie I want. I only have to clean up after myself, which is soooooo much easier. I do no miss the chaos. And this is a man I was deeply in love with more years of my life than not. A man I still care very much about. I honestly just want us both to be happy. And I just knew, deep inside, that my happiness no longer aligned with his. He was more interested in drinking with his HS buddies, and I was more interested in big conversations and travel. Now that I'm not feeling so "stuck", it's like the whole world is shiny and new. I've met new friends, and reconnected with old ones. I've met some nice gentlemen and even been on a few dates. And I feel hope. I know I'll fall in love again. And with a person that will be able to return that love. And for that... I can't wait. You shouldn't either. <3

Thank you so much for replying. I feel like I'm not alone when someone else has experienced this. I'm scared incase we stay together for years and years and I still feel the same, or we have a family and then I'd feel even more trapped. I feel like I'm just staying here because it's the easiest thing for me, I can walk to work, it's not as stressful as home sometimes. I know that there's someone out there for me, who likes the same music, movies, going out, being honest, being happy. There has to be. But then I get scared (I'm 19) because of how this generation is that there won't be a nice man out there for me. And he's the best I'm going to have. It's so hard to think it through properly. I do pros and cons in my head a lot to see if I'm just being silly, but there's literally 3 nice things I like and then a huge list of all the things I hate about him. We shouldn't be together, or I should have gone sooner. Is it terrible if I hold this out until I have more money and a car before I leave? Am I the awful person now?