Girlfriend is pregnant, don't know what to do....
I need help with an issue I am facing. I don't know what to do.
Basically I got a nasty divorce two years ago and about a year later I met a wonderful woman. We dated for about 5 months and when I was going to break-up with her she told me she was pregnant. I went to the ultra-sound with her and yup she's 6-7 weeks preggo. She is pretty damn amazing and for sure I would want her as the mother of my child over anybody else. I am 27 and she's 40. That part is okay, but the real issue is me.
We were going to break up because she time after time she lashes out at me for not spending enough time with her. She wants to hang out more then twice a week, message every day and have a pretty active relationship. I totally see where she is coming from, but I am simply an extremely busy introverted and ambitious person. I am the one who initiated the relationship with her, but man I never expected her to become so clingy. I feel like I am suffocating and yet she feels like she doesn't see me enough. She feels like I lied to her when I said I wanted kids with her, but that was before she became so clingy. Furthermore, my last relationship failed because I was simply a bad husband. Neglectful, promiscuous and detached. I don't want to make the same mistake twice and I can't deny who I am as a person. I wanted a girlfriend, not a wife. I don't want her to change either.
The baby is due in February. I put my house for sale on the market as my renovations are done. While she is happy that my renovations are done honestly the time I have now is time I have been looking forward at investing in myself and my music, not her or the baby. Frankly I want to live alone. My ex-wife left pretty much right after we bought the house, and I had to scramble for funds. I had to get renters, and half of them caused me huge headaches. I am living alone now but I am house broke.
I have no problem paying child support. I have no problem being active in the kids life or at least coming over on a regular basis to help. I do have a problem supporting her though. She works part time at a good place and lives with her grandma, rent free. It makes no sense for her to move out of a rent free place just to live with me like a "happy family" (that is her vision, because she never had that growing up).
She gets very sad upon the thought of raising the kid alone and I have an extremely hard time telling her the full truth about how what I feel. Every time I try she just breaks up in tears.
I don't know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.
The problem here, most likely, is age difference - and moreover, you and your partner wanting different things at the current stage of your life.
My ex and I were in the same age ranges as you and your partner, and though fortunately we had never had any children together in our many years of living together, we had discussed it.
I think maybe you need to admit to yourself that you never really wanted children with this woman. Or, admit that you are being unfair in saying that she is being too clingy when you were both discussing having kids together - something that generally requires two people to settle down for.
I think for years I was in a delusion that age doesn't matter in a relationship. The fact of the matter is, it does. And as the years go by, you find yourself unhappy that you had missed out on experiencing many firsts of life with someone more like you. The other night I got to touch and hold a really skinny girl. I had never gotten to do that before in my life. Maybe I haven't found the right person, maybe I want to experience more and find out for certain what it is that I want. I know I will never find this perfect person that is everything I want, but maybe I am jealous and upset that I spent my life being a good guy and never had much to show for it, while lots of assholes get new pussy every week. Maybe that needs to change.
The fact of the matter is, relationships tie you down. Kids tie you down. It's scary. And I'm not so sure that you can have total freedom in any sort of relationship. You have to make sacrifices for the other person, and you have to want to be with them and be devoted to them. I actually think the ironic thing is that I find myself being the clingy one, while my ex always wanted time alone. At the end of the day though, the age difference was not right, and maybe the time to settle down was very wrong.
I don't think you have to support this grown woman. The child, of course. But at the same time, you loved this woman enough to be with her for several months, and get her pregnant. Maybe you aren't a good enough friend to her if you are just going to turn your back on her because you did the deed, but weren't ready to deal with the seed?
(Excellent advice, Altreal, but - ref. last line of third-from-last para - please watch your lingo more carefully so as not to risk offending or alienating anyone. Thanks.)
Thanks for the help.
It's tough. Very stressed out. I talked to my brother lately. To makes thing harder it looks like my whole family is looking forward to this, it would be my parents first grandchild.
I'm not scared I won't do a good job. I just know myself and I am not willing to change. I just don't care about others and I am not interested in a dependent. I am a self-centered person and frankly I want to be alone. Maybe I might think differently when I am old and alone, but I don't know. I admit to never wanting the kid in the first place. So lost..
Some people with similar age difference do manage to stay together, I know some and with bigger age differences to yours. However, I don't think it's the age difference. I think you are still in single, have lots of fun mode. And if this girl was half her age you would still want out.
You possibly feel you haven't 'lived' yet. There are more girls to meet, more fun to have. You don't want to be 'tied' down. You cherish your freedom and want more. How can you reach your achievements i.e. music etc with a child and a 'clingy' girlfriend.
In my opinion I wouldn't stay with her just for the sake of the baby. In situations like this someone is always going to get hurt. But if she knows that you are not going to abandon her, explain to her that you will be there for your baby, and will help and support your baby, if you can't commit to being her boyfriend, explain that to her. Yes she will be hurt (is this her first child) she will also be scared if it is. The unknowing is a scary thing to face alone
But if you can be there for her, pre-natal classes, dropping her to hospital visits, and your parents are going to want to be involved. This is an exciting time for them! They too will most likely want to help. So if you explain that you will always be a part of her life because you will have a baby together, that you are not one of those hit and run dads, and even your family will want to be involved, that might help her. And who knows when the baby comes along, your way of thinking could very well change!